Psychologically still thirteen
Psychologically still thirteen
Ordinarily meaning pre Internet days
familiarization with me would entail
bringing the avid listener
into my private mancave hideaways
less a physical place than a juncture in relationship,
(whereby one or the other of us)
would adopt the guise of liaise
to gently coax (seal) along trust,
whereby ye might interject supportive praise
spurring me acknowledge takeaways
baring my soul analogous
to shine on me (comfortably numb)
body electric mimicking x-rays.
Greetings fair lass
without any fanfare from this common man,
(albeit a married sexagenarian)
writing another prefabricated blurb
(ad) aware that patience may be in short supply
regarding whoe eyes alight on these words.
A non malingering effect
from angst riddled adolescence
written into nooks and crannies
of sixty plus shades of gray matter
delineating, housing, limning
pounding, and tormenting mein kampf
these three score and four orbitz
brutally subjected psyche
(analogous to post traumatic stress disorder)
with noxious and ferocious
blistering and battering browbeating,
(but kept on ticking)
viz shell shocking absorbed courtesy
sixty plus four shades of gray matter
testament as clear water credence,
which wretched psychological
consignment as veritable verbal whipping post
spanned mine impressionable
living (social) years decades ago,
the psycho (babbling) social mental events
left indelible imprint etched
blackened barbs upon my rubber soul
ova this pa soon after he made his debut
(out the birth canal)
on a win tree January thirteenth day hence,
though a survivor of self starvation
i yam confounded as an older pence
sill necked geek, what drove dead set
emotional, physical and spiritual sense
less (and socially costly)
ambition to die with fervency
that invariably disallowed
being linkedin to other gals or gents
enduring the quotidian onslaught of this immense
lee debilitating illness of the mind,
where emaciation revealed abs - sense
of properly healthy flesh,
which grim reaper insignia
viz skull and cross bones readily
underscored with dark shadows, where
edge of night descended
once upon upon a time countenance
of happy go lucky boy,
whose spunk forever snatched out his body
still self evident today,
how yours truly corporeal deportment
exhibits non verbal body language
being noticeably physically tense.
Despite fifty one birthdays elapsed
since cataclysmic eruption rent asunder
while civil war within self notched
(experiencing an arrow escape), pitted, and rutted
ironclad maiden of deathly hallows clasped
psyche, an internal maelstrom wrenched
worthiness pitting mien as blunder
bulldozing with razor blades
former childhood wondrous glee raising suicide
quiet riotous ambition, a painfully slow
(self starvation) mine inexorable ride
left yawning stunted chasm
webbed, whirled and wide,
which chronological Grecian frieze
kept hog-tied with iron rail
grippe, and hide bound this one grown male
dredging haunting spectre –
as if yours truly barely survived
a brutish, nasty and shortish gale
proper healthy development did fail
drudge er re: with every exhale
where to be gratefully dead –
within Elysian dale.
After helping beget second of two offspring,
which punim afflicted with developmental delays
she, the youngest o me two female progeny
nevertheless segued untrammeled
thru twenty plus four years
on February fourth
two thousand twenty three,
which observance of young people
easily triggers flashback to wretched tears
sans that insidious roiling jagged stone
shredding/ thwarting desire to be alive
shockwaves extant to this day -
no matter long since recovered from nosedive
emotional, psychological & social repercussions
hound me present mental state
indelible permanent scars
(per anxiety, panicky, quirky tics)
seem never to abate
try as I might to shake free
from the riptide affects
that drowned this boy to grow
he experiences an especially perilous remembrance
of things past, that abysmal infernal woe
when thee second punim o thine
two lovely offspring passed that milestone age
with nary a hint how her papa felt locked up
within his abysmal agonizing stage
impossible to forgive permanent harm
inflicted not only on self but searing pain
both my late mother & father
whose angst this dada insight re: did gain
from bringing forth his own progeny
each a smart reed
exploring cornucopia of life experiences -
unlike mice elf at their ages
which years eclipsed at breakneck speed
whereby each special daughter -
daring to block and tackle challenges indeed
with greater rolly Poe lee moxie engendering me
to announce L’Chaim
qua greater self-esteem they did feed
evincing greater sturdiness
akin to hardy weed
about stay'n alive almost
bound to surpass their papa hemming
and hawing way and boast
(when and/or if they ever beget offspring)
how coping with life coast
them manageable efforts
versus permanently branding my youthful ghost
of Christmases past -
when ability to function as recipient per host
averse to bing a guest,
and easily mistaken
for a stick figure or off fence post
forever knowing potential to die,
that burned life force like blackened toast
recidivism in times
of despair temptation to cease eating
attempts with jabbing knife pains to fork get
recreating duress, with hunger pains even to this day
frequently blithely ignored as if still callous
tempted, lured and baited by hand of death
this grown man wished inxs to kiss.
Methinks, I blithely shared
most of this confidential information before
trying to retain the initial core
when Matthew dashed out the door
up with greater clarity,
that perchance numbered four
sentiment when (a near futile)
attempt made bon Jovian jour
to evoke slow burning suicide less or more
This note originally composed,
when psychologically poor
and slightly updated
with minor tweaks to bolster and shore
to ply tire less role of taxi
for youngest daw tour,
whose most recent orbitz round the sun
as iterated her twenty fourth birthday already whar
February fourth two thousand
and twenty three.
Copyright ©
Matthew Harris
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