9/20/2021 7:02:31 AM
Topic:
Introduction; self.
Eduardo Richardson
Posts: 44
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Hey! I am glad to welcome you to the forum. An excellent title for a collection of your poems. I congratulate you on your publication.
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9/20/2021 1:46:51 AM
Topic:
Introduction; self.
michael mc dermott
Posts: 1
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Hi All, My name is Michael Mc Dermott. I have been making poetry for four years and published one book of poetry and short stories; 'TO Ride A Poem'. www.michael-mcdermott.net. I would like to post some poems for your consideration, and I will review your contributions.
All the best with your writing, Michael.
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9/19/2021 10:23:48 PM
Topic:
Life will change
Twelve Twelve
Posts: 8
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Very uplifting poem. Thoughtful. I like that you used "And" for the last line of each stanza (did you use the & on the first one for brevity?)
In the third stanza, all your lines rhyme. It's different than the others and maybe not as strong.
Great title.
Excellent imagery in the first stanza -- love the expression "mother of death" extending her hand. Not something I've heard before, but makes it less ominous when it's a mother, right?
Why are all the enemies forced to apologize?
Look what makes the first stanza so strong, and maybe adjust the others to contain the same imagery. Or not ;-)
edited by Twelve on 9/19/2021
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9/19/2021 10:15:28 PM
Topic:
Poppy's Moon - Please critique
Twelve Twelve
Posts: 8
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I like this a lot. It's not depressing, but a comfort for those who have lost.
On this line: "Some call them signs, others say spirit", you move from plural to singular. I might have made it 'spirits' instead. Minor. Style choice.
Really liked the approach. Nicely done.
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9/19/2021 10:08:40 PM
Topic:
Pit of fire
Twelve Twelve
Posts: 8
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One that makes you think, and brings me back to the Baptist church of my youth. Well done!
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9/19/2021 10:07:31 PM
Topic:
Cold coffee
Twelve Twelve
Posts: 8
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Love this. It flows so well and paints such a great picture. The title is excellent, and what drew me to read it.
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9/19/2021 12:03:13 PM
Topic:
High Critque Forum Post: "Dog Days of August"
Dennis Spilchuk
Posts: 2
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Twelve wrote:
Absolutely love that the reader can feel the affection you have for your dog.
1) There are a few grammatical changes that could be made -- or perhaps they're in there to give it a more "Where the Red Fern Grows" vibe? If 'loud' is modifying 'barks', it should grammatically be 'loudly'; "Lucky and me" ought to be "Lucky and I," but maybe that doesn't work for the poem.
2) Consider changing "And tongue" to "His tongue." Not sure you need the "And" in "And then for fun."
3) Weakest line: And when it's time to go, we hop. I don't think 'hop' works here.
4) Last verse is the best. Consider lengthening lines by adding adjectives.
Overall, a nice read. It has a wonderfully happy feel to it. TFS.
Reply:
I sincerely appreciate your analysis and would like to offer the following explanations, and would sincerely appreciate your feedback:
1) As you mention, loud is an adjective and loudly is an adverb. The dog would bark loudly if it wanted to draw attention because of some external force or to deter an external force; however, in this case, it is used as an idiom; the dog barks "out loud" (not incessantly or annoyingly in a very loud or frenzied way) to communicate, emphasizing that it has a point to make (like an adult would when telling or reminding a child to do something; they speak "out loud" implying it’s a serious matter at hand; not loudly repeating and shouting over someone’s head to be heard or to make a scene).
The premise of the fictional story “Where the Red Fern Grows” is filled with violence, and I can’t understand how you can compare it to my poem.
I did consider "Lucky and I", but it sounded so artificial, whereas "Lucky and me" is more realistic from a child’s perspective. The narrative is about a boy telling the reader about the relationship he shares with his dog.
The opening line sets the tone: “When my friend has something to say, he lets me know in his own way.”
2) "Tongue pants" in this case does not mean the dog is panting with "his tongue" to cool down, but is used as an idiom. The dog is frustrated and pants and uses other gestures to express or communicate. The child knows what the dog is inferring, but stubbornly engages in childish behaviours to which the dog reacts in standing its ground.
3) The idiom “hop to it” means immediately or right now, no questions asked. I hope the sense of responsibility placed upon the dog by the child’s parents or guardians is apparent. I stress in the poem that the child looks upon the dog as a friend and equal, whom he listens to with respect, albeit he plays games with the dog before conceding.
4) The poem is a quatrain in which I employ 7 to 9 syllables per line with rhyme and flow. Just adding adjectives and adverbs to lines as fillers just doesn’t cut it in poetry.
edited by Denny 747 on 9/19/2021
edited by Denny 747 on 9/19/2021
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9/18/2021 2:58:37 AM
Topic:
Trial and error
Eduardo Richardson
Posts: 44
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Yes, it is really one thing to write a text or a large book, but it can be very difficult to publish it after that. I encountered this for the first time when I tried to publish a collection of my poems.
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9/17/2021 3:18:30 PM
Topic:
Two versions would appreciate comments
Twelve Twelve
Posts: 8
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They're both good. I like the first one better. The only thing to consider is her mood on the last line. She's mourning throughout, making certain everything is perfect, but then she says with glee?? This is an excellent poem. Can you find a word that fits the rhyme scheme, but conveys a hopeful tone?
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9/17/2021 3:12:37 PM
Topic:
High Critque Forum Post: "Dog Days of August"
Twelve Twelve
Posts: 8
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Absolutely love that the reader can feel the affection you have for your dog.
There are a few grammatical changes that could be made -- or perhaps they're in there to give it a more "Where the Red Fern Grows" vibe? If 'loud' is modifying 'barks', it should grammatically be 'loudly'; "Lucky and me" ought to be "Lucky and I," but maybe that doesn't work for the poem.
Consider changing "And tongue" to "His tongue." Not sure you need the "And" in "And then for fun."
Weakest line: And when it's time to go, we hop. I don't think 'hop' works here.
Last verse is the best. Consider lengthening lines by adding adjectives.
Overall, a nice read. It has a wonderfully happy feel to it. TFS.
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9/17/2021 2:55:05 PM
Topic:
I'm new, so any feedback would be great
Twelve Twelve
Posts: 8
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This set a good mood until you hit the verse about the boys. The poem's about the girl, and the strong language used turns the focus toward the aggressors. Good, unexpected turn on the last lines.
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9/17/2021 2:46:03 PM
Topic:
Selah ("Rest") - Would appreciate a critique
Twelve Twelve
Posts: 8
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Something isn't quite right here. I think it might be the "feel" line, but not sure??? I would appreciate comments, both negative and positive. Thank you. (Sorry, can't seem to get the formatting right.)
Selah
Soldiers at the Tomb of the Unknowns
March in exacting time
To a beat unheard except in their hearts
21 steps, pause 21seconds, 21 steps, pause 21 seconds
An endless succession
Guarding more than the bones of men long gone
A place to honor
A place to heal
A place to remember
To tyranny they did not kneel
Battle cries to steel the nerves
Men dead for their ideals
And the chance for others to live free
A place to honor
A place to heal
A place to remember
All that we hold dear
Remnants of wars a younger generation has forgotten
Growing up without fear
For their freedom, yet afraid of life
A place to honor
A place to heal
A place to remember
It’s not just about what we “feel”
Victory and valor subjugated to peace
Or what passes for it
A triad of freedom reduced to a single flawed leg
A place to honor
A generational changeover
A place to remember
As the bones in the tomb silently roll over
edited by Twelve on 9/17/2021
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9/16/2021 3:22:53 PM
Topic:
Lost And Found ...
Chris Con
Posts: 1
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Amature amateur Poet. Experienced in failure, loss and all things irrelevant.
I intentionally misspell a word every now and then.
I have no friends and the only good thing about me is my [poetic] incontinence .........
edited by Youthless on 9/19/2021
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9/9/2021 2:19:36 PM
Topic:
In Tribute to Mark B. Peterson
Liz Kover
Posts: 1
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Dear Poetry Soup Community -
Mark B. Peterson was a poet who used this forum to showcase his work. He was also like a second father to me. And I wanted to share with whomever followed him...that he passed away on September 2nd. I wrote something in his honor that I'll share on my own page here @ Poetry Soup. Please feel free to comment if Mark's poems touched you in some way. He was such an incredibly talented, humble, and lovely human being.
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9/6/2021 4:37:33 PM
Topic:
"First Session"
Ally Faye
Posts: 2
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This time it's clear
he's no better than
you just because he
lives in the loft
like a throne room.
It's a funny
mess you're in,
living off other people
like a wet sack of meat.
You won't keep
long without help.
So help me understand
confusion around the
dinner table:
"So, what's new with you?"
"How're they treating you?"
"You still wasting your life?"
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9/6/2021 4:26:47 PM
Topic:
Hello
Ally Faye
Posts: 2
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My name is Ally. I've been writing poetry off and on for 26 years now. I may not be the best writer but I do love writing and definitely have my own style. I'm looking forward to sharing some of what I've written here. Thanks.
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9/4/2021 11:16:27 PM
Topic:
Uploading a photo
Marikate Kingston
Posts: 1
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I am so frustrated as well. Also I don't understand how to submit a poem to a contest without my name on the bottom.
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9/1/2021 1:31:03 AM
Topic:
I am new here!
M88 Betwin
Posts: 1
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Hello i'm new here..
How are you guys ???
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8/31/2021 2:15:57 AM
Topic:
Has anyone ever seen this poem?
cristenjonesu
Posts: 2
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I read a lot and advise a lot a lot. Last read, this was an essay on Henry David Thoreau. a worthy writer, read 2-3 of his books.
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8/30/2021 6:53:50 AM
Topic:
Has anyone ever seen this poem?
Rebecca Kelch
Posts: 1
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Anyone who reads any kind of literature, I want to discover something new!
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