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1/22/2018 12:07 AM - Frederick Naish
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1/8/2018 8:06 AM - peter walsh
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1/14/2018 9:42 AM - Ibidun O.
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1/22/2018 12:30 AM - Frederick Naish
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Do you need help editing a poem? Maybe English isn't your first language. Post poems or request help with a poem or english here.
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1/17/2018 9:19 AM - Titus LLewellyn
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12/29/2017 5:59 AM - KAREN CROOT
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11/3/2017 1:48 PM - Lodigiana Poetess
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12/9/2017 1:20 PM - Gayle Rodd
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1/21/2018 4:22 PM - Brooklyn Cruz
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12/28/2017 3:02 AM - Stella Ban
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12/29/2017 11:01 PM - Tony Brady


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Recent posts
1/22/2018 12:30:07 AM
Topic:
Purgatory

Frederick Naish
Posts: 2
Posted this on the main site before I noticed this forum.
Anyway, I'm not sure I know what I'm doing.
Any feedback is appreciated.

--------------------------------------

holding onto illusion
trying to make it through
a broken shard of glass
that cuts you into two
fevered dreams reflect fantasies
scattered threads permeate reality
round and down
circles through the mind
lost and bound in purgatory
condemned to reside

this state of delusion
a symptom of confusion
called to the void
dragged down into hell
silent despair
only broke by quiet prayer
seeking salvation
hand of god
ultimate exaltation from above
supreme exhilaration
conveyed in shame
the original sin
impossible to tame
edited by fewnmeyern on 1/22/2018
1/22/2018 12:07:44 AM
Topic:
Hello. No idea what I'm doing really.

Frederick Naish
Posts: 2
As stated in the title.

I'm 31. At 25 I contracted flesh-eating bacteria.
SO, I have had some time on my hands since then, written bits and pieces, but never really put anything up for anyone to see, as I don't know what I am doing. I walk fine and everything else now, apart from some pain, and recently started getting treatment for depression.

No real knowledge of how things are supposed to be constructed or that sort of thing.

Is this what I'm supposed to write? I don't know.

Anyway. Hello.
edited by fewnmeyern on 1/22/2018
edited by fewnmeyern on 1/22/2018
1/21/2018 4:22:50 PM
Topic:
Brother Soldier

Brooklyn Cruz
Posts: 2
My brother is 19 and going into the army. He's going to be in infantry, meaning he will be one of the people actually fighting. I'm very scared for him, and I can't even imagine how I would feel if he were to be killed.
1/21/2018 4:19:29 PM
Topic:
AM I THE ONLY TEEN ON POETRY SOUP?

Brooklyn Cruz
Posts: 2
16 years old Hey!
1/21/2018 4:18:01 PM
Topic:
What to do, I m feeling ashamed

carlos trevino
Posts: 1
Faraz, Do not let the seeds spoil your enjoyment of a watermelon. just spit them out.
1/19/2018 3:36:48 PM
Topic:
Upon Wind's Wings

Laurie Woodward
Posts: 4
Ollie Furlong wrote:
The thrust of the poem is imagining yourself letting go, eyes closed in the feeling that the wind caresses your cheeks and your hair, and being carried away by that feeling, where the soul blends with the element of the wind itself. There are 2 words that stick out for me which distract me from being totally carried away, and they are; "ministration" and "satin". For some reason, they jar with the flow of the other words that evoke the wind.
\




Funny, that 'ministrations' line was actually the first line to come to me. While I appreciate your feedback, I can't think of a single synonym that I like half as much. As for 'satin', I was actually thinking of changing that to 'silken'. Would you consider that an improvement?
1/19/2018 3:25:22 PM
Topic:
Upon Wind's Wings

Laurie Woodward
Posts: 4
Stephen Wilson-Flo wrote:
As I understand it, poems can be for self exploration, family, friends and fellow worshipers. Or it can be for a wider audience. For this to be more appealing to a wider audience, I would rewrite this without the archaic language. In my opinion, if poetry is relevant in today's world, it should be written in the modern idiom. I can't think of a modern published poet with any wide readership who uses this kind of style. It should be an easy fix, should you choose to do it. Best wishes!





Actually, the purpose of this poem was to express a feeling that couldn't be accurately described in less poetic terms. The feeling itself was a poetic one and called for more than plain words to capture it.

I can see your point about modern language. The four words where I used 'thy' or 'thine', instead of 'your', I really felt that the word 'your' was just a bit crude for the feel of the poem, or inelegant at best. The intention was to speak to the wind in a worshipful way, 'your' felt too familiar and too casual.
1/19/2018 3:18:22 PM
Topic:
Upon Wind's Wings

Laurie Woodward
Posts: 4
Ollie Furlong wrote:
A very beautiful and well-balanced poem, it doesn't bother me the last paragraph is 4 lines long. The soul of a real poet is in here, you have touched mine, and I thank you for that. Amazing.



Wow! Thank you very much!
1/18/2018 11:26:39 PM
Topic:
Don't Shoot the Messenger

Jack Webster
Posts: 52
i agree with Bob A. I think this is very good as is.

There is an opportunity, if you wish, to extend the coffee metaphor: coffee is something that wakes people up...
1/18/2018 11:13:37 PM
Topic:
Tinsel

Jack Webster
Posts: 52
i think your three strongest metaphors are the jolly tunes being her confidant, the garland and tinsel being her jury, and the souls being plucked like birthday candles deforming the icing. I think they are profoundly original and dynamic in a way that clearly and crisply conveys the inner experience of the tragedy.

i think your weakest stanzas are the ones describing the crying. the descriptions are notably lush (perhaps bordering on too beautiful, though this is a matter of opinion), but the moment you rely on saying plainly the person is crying, you've already stated directly they are sad, and indirectly told the reader they should be sad too. After that, there's no real way to be subtle about evoking the emotion within the reader, and vivid descriptions of the crying just become redundant or simply for the sake of imagery as they are not conveying anything new poetically, its just more and more and more: she's not just crying, but the tears are sparkling, and rolling, and they are big tears that (even fantastically) come down the steps, and soon there are so many of them she might just float away through the door like Alice in Wonderland.

i think you could convey all of the grief intended with the description of the crying simply by extending the birthday/ holiday theme to wrapping paper: her face crumpled like gold and red wrapping paper, torn, and discarded in the bin.

mixing the Christmas imagery with the birthday cake imagery was slightly disorienting to me, but i love both, so not what to suggest. normally I'd suggest stick to one or the other, but I'm not sure its bothersome enough to discard either of your very authentic metaphors.

I would suggest rephrasing "birthday cake candles", as cake is redundant. if you're plucking birthday candles, its natural to assume or visualize a cake. if you wish to keep the word cake, i would rephrase as: ...souls can be plucked/ like candles from a birthday cake... that way cake is necessary as a noun and not redudant as an adjective.

I would remove the line: ...no one wants to lick. this line makes the poetic meaning of the icing ambiguous, and the acting of licking (in this case trying to savor something sweet) may be seemingly sensual in nature. if the linez were: ...souls could be plucked/ like candles from a birthday cake,/ leaving deformed icing (end of stanza) - i think there is an idea that the icing is the sweetness and happiness of those left behind and how it is damaged by the act of taking and the absence of that source of light. With the line about licking, it asks the readers to determine what isn't icing that is lickable that the icing represents. licking is such a physical act that if the icing is supposed to represent something intangible the verb licking is misleading. if the icing is intended to be the body of the deceased, rendered "un-lickable" by the accident and the taking of the soul, then this becomes a potentially uncomfortable line.


thank you for sharing. i hope something i said ends up being of some use.

good luck
edited by superlativedeleted on 1/18/2018
1/17/2018 7:02:24 PM
Topic:
Changing Seasons

Beatriz Gomes
Posts: 3
I have no experience in critique someone's poems so I really liked yours,is very well done.
1/17/2018 12:50:35 PM
Topic:
Changing Seasons

levi johnson
Posts: 1
Any feedback on this verse? Thanks
1/17/2018 9:19:39 AM
Topic:
Adding Photos

Titus LLewellyn
Posts: 1
Hi There,

I just wondered if it possible to add a photo from my desktop. I'm having difficulty adding a photo to my poem. I am a premier poet here.

Thank you, Titus
1/16/2018 7:59:19 AM
Topic:
Hello fellow poets

Oliver Furlong
Posts: 3
I'm new to Poetry Soup, and I'm delighted to have found this online community. Does anyone know of any face to face poetry communities in London, UK? I have found plenty of Open Mic Poetry nights, but wondering if there are any groups that meet up?
I'd describe myself as a sensitive soul, a romantic, a spiritual seeker, and prone to deep thinking and looking for meaning in most things around me. I feel that writing, and poetry, in particular, is something that I need to channel as it pours through me, and I love it so much. I try to write every day, on my way to work or after getting home, around looking after kids.
1/16/2018 3:33:11 AM
Topic:
Upon Wind's Wings

Oliver Furlong
Posts: 3
The thrust of the poem is imagining yourself letting go, eyes closed in the feeling that the wind caresses your cheeks and your hair, and being carried away by that feeling, where the soul blends with the element of the wind itself. There are 2 words that stick out for me which distract me from being totally carried away, and they are; "ministration" and "satin". For some reason, they jar with the flow of the other words that evoke the wind.
1/15/2018 9:29:39 PM
Topic:
Hoping some critiques

Beatriz Gomes
Posts: 3
Stephen Wilson-Flo wrote:
There is a lot of sincerity here. I believe you feel this very deeply so first, let me assure you comments I make are about the poem's effectiveness not its honesty. I would call this a self-revelation poem, to enlighten oneself. For a wider audience, I would "show" more and "tell" less. For example "my mouth can not attend my sorrows not anymore", what does that mean? It sounds poetic, but what does it mean. In my opinion, this cries out for specifics, "show" don't "tell". For example, what's the story about addressing her as "forewoman". This might be a confessional poem in which case, excuse me, the speaker dishes the dirt. As unflattering as it sounds, we readers have a voyeuristic need to imagine ourselves there. Let the reader take that the journey with you.
edited by Stephen Wilson-Flo on 1/15/2018

I appreciate the critique, very helpful.
I was influence by Emily Dickinson letters to Susan when writing this poem, their love is very strong and deep, I just wanted to write something they would have.
edited by quiet speaker on 1/15/2018
1/15/2018 2:30:36 PM
Topic:
Hoping some critiques

Stephen Wilson-Floyd
Posts: 33
There is a lot of sincerity here. I believe you feel this very deeply so first, let me assure you comments I make are about the poem's effectiveness not its honesty. I would call this a self-revelation poem, to enlighten oneself. For a wider audience, I would "show" more and "tell" less. For example "my mouth can not attend my sorrows not anymore", what does that mean? It sounds poetic, but what does it mean. In my opinion, this cries out for specifics, "show" don't "tell". For example, what's the story about addressing her as "forewoman". This might be a confessional poem in which case, excuse me, the speaker dishes the dirt. As unflattering as it sounds, we readers have a voyeuristic need to imagine ourselves there. Let the reader take that the journey with you.
edited by Stephen Wilson-Flo on 1/15/2018
1/15/2018 2:16:59 PM
Topic:
Upon Wind's Wings

Stephen Wilson-Floyd
Posts: 33
As I understand it, poems can be for self exploration, family, friends and fellow worshipers. Or it can be for a wider audience. For this to be more appealing to a wider audience, I would rewrite this without the archaic language. In my opinion, if poetry is relevant in today's world, it should be written in the modern idiom. I can't think of a modern published poet with any wide readership who uses this kind of style. It should be an easy fix, should you choose to do it. Best wishes!
1/15/2018 11:22:05 AM
Topic:
Upon Wind's Wings

Oliver Furlong
Posts: 3
A very beautiful and well-balanced poem, it doesn't bother me the last paragraph is 4 lines long. The soul of a real poet is in here, you have touched mine, and I thank you for that. Amazing.
1/15/2018 9:45:24 AM
Topic:
What to do, I m feeling ashamed

Faraz Ajmal
Posts: 7
My dear frienrs, my name is Faraz and i m a 15 years old guy, well I m from Pakistan and currently doing my O levels, well everything was perfect, I was doing tol from always, but just before our Cambridge papers, they took our pracrise exams and I m ashamed to say that I got really bad numbers, it s for second time in my history, first was when I was in class 3 and now, I just don t know how to face the class tomorrow because today I was absent and my brother tols me that this mews has become really popular, everybody was talking about it, I m feeling really ashamed to go to class tomorrow as everyone will say that Faraz what happened to you, my mother was really angry but she later assure me that she trust me and she s sure that I ll again do top in my Cambridge exams which are in May. But here s the point, it take me 5 years to build up a respect and it s fallen in just one second, now I again have to built it and wait for another seven months for the next papers whixh will be Cambridge, there results will come in August, I just don t know how to face my classmates and teachers. My Chemistry teacher never like me and now she has an additional point to dislike me, further this was the first time that the boys and girls were competating, and everybody was saying my name, so I ve also lost my reputation I was thinking of building in girls as they didn t know that I was topper, this was my chance but it s ruined



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