11/12/2018 6:06:36 AM
Topic:
Elle to Abe
Carolyn Fish
Posts: 12
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~ A modern/personal take on Alexander Pope's "Eloisa to Abelard"
It is thought that the following lines are a call to action from Pope for other poets to carry on in re-telling the story of Eloisa and Abelard:
~"Such if there be, who loves so long, so well;
Let him our sad, our tender story tell;
The well-sung woes will soothe my pensive ghost;
He best can paint 'em, who shall feel 'em most."
~I've definitely taken quite a few licenses in making this "re-telling" my own, but hopefully its enough to soothe that "pensive ghost".
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Enjoy..
How cryptic would I have to be to get this off my chestOne score and yet it seems like yesterday it was the bestMost simple feeling that a girl could ever come to realizeA moment and a smile, gone and lost in big, sea-colored eyesIll-fated from the start, but gotta hand it to us kidsWho tried and failed and tried again, a love that popped the lidsOff every pressurized container of some crucial expectationHand in hand we walked a path of gorgeous ruinationThrashing in the beating lightFloating through the haze at night..Swimming through the sound of a Revolver…We heard each other speak, though not a single word was utteredDo you wonder what I wonder?On the times that split in twoOne path that leads me hereAnd one that leads me straight right back to youOh yes, sometimes I wonder if the fates have just been tryin’To make you my Billy Crystal and make me your sweet Meg RyanSo long from nowSo long for nowIts fun to stay and playWith these daydreams of a time that coulda-woulda’d in charming wayStraight into my own beating heart, dancing to a tuneOh sweet melody, sweet beat and rhymeHold tight and take me to the moonYes, whisper me a promise that I still could hold the keyTo a world that never will become, where you’re still holding meSome blameless vestal never that I wasThe shackles of insipid bliss could never give me causeTo laugh or love or live or cry or screamOr give any of the signals that my life is real and not a dreamEternal storm cloud of the spotted mindYour turmoil more belov’d by me for all that you’ve divinedOf the flavors that make life all worth the livingThe painful truths and hard earned proofs, the taking and the givingAsk me once, just once, if I’d go back and change it allWould I unburn every bridge we torched or rebuild every crumbled wall?I may as well be asked if I’d sell off my precious soulIn exchange for heady smoke and glitt’ring mirrors, all that would consoleThose gasping for reprieve from all the spice and fire and life and lightIllusion, sweet illusion that what’s wrong is wrong and right is right!So know this, that I often thinkIf even a thousand miles could sinkIf even a thousand years could make me blink away the mem’riesOf some distant love that made me gaze up to the stars in wonderOf some reckless love that charged the world with tearing us asunderAnd could I ask once more if you do wonder what I wonderOr if I’m the only fool to bare in rhyme this mortal blunderOf looking back if only for vain curiosityYes, I do know better than to ask the crime to gaze on meOnce more as in those sweet immortal times that we’ve forgotIf for nothing more than that my reverie is not for naught
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11/12/2018 6:03:50 AM
Topic:
A Nihilisitic Pen (Would Appreciate Any Feedback)
Carolyn Fish
Posts: 12
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Frank wrote:
"A crude tool" - a nice way of describing an instrument that writes down language, but after that you lose me: "corpses of the animate" - how do the animate have corpses since they're, well, still alive?
~ Try saying it in plainer language.
~And perhaps look up the meaning of "nihilism" - not sure what you're getting at with that in the title.
I agree with Frank's first point, unless what you mean is that the animate are living corpses (somewhat tying in to the Nihilism theme, evoking images of apathetic sacks of life walking around in meaninglessness.)
I agree as well that plainer language would benefit this poem. It seems like their is a desire in this poem to get out a lot of a certain type of imagery and mood without ensuring that the words actually make any sense together. It sounds like you have a lot of feelings/perspectives that you want to convey, but simply having powerful words placed next to each other does not automatically convey anything.
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11/12/2018 5:50:47 AM
Topic:
Woman (Please critique)
Carolyn Fish
Posts: 12
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I agree with Frank on reading aloud and making sure the rhythm is on point. The poem has good rhythm in certain areas, but is a bit awkward in other areas. In my opinion, a poem should not only be consistent in the story it tells, but also consistent stylistically.
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11/12/2018 4:03:05 AM
Topic:
Hello Poetry Forum
TopEssay Services
Posts: 3
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Good Morning to everyone!
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11/12/2018 4:00:29 AM
Topic:
Hello this is me
TopEssay Services
Posts: 3
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Hello everybody! My name is Helen
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11/11/2018 12:04:14 PM
Topic:
Learn To Be Still
Sandra Weiss
Posts: 1
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When chaos reigns, there is misguided free will.
Separate yourself from the crowd, learn to be still.
Be willing to to take the lead, but be sble to follow too.
Make an informed decision, and see it through.
Be unbreakable but know how to bend.
Be able to start, be able to end.
There is a way to be strong, at the same time soft.
Find a way to turn it on, but don't forget to turn it off.
Give whenever and whatever you can give,
make it part of the way you live.
Seek answers for what you want to know.
Throughout your life, continue to grow.
Find your place in the world, wherever it may be.
Never take for granted, your right to be free.
A time may come, and you know it will.
You will be glad that you learned... to be still
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11/11/2018 5:37:11 AM
Topic:
CONFESS
PHIONAH RENITAH
Posts: 2
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CONFESS CONFESSONCE you made a move i wasn't scared of for i expected you to come running and chasingthat's what men do around mefor I know I am a beauty ONCE I knew you will come to passthat the chasing will make you weary and like any other who has come by, you will let it goThen you will go for other waters perhaps deeper than thesefor every man at sometime gives upAND it came to pass that I was weary of your asking,knowing that if I didn't give you a chance you wouldn't give me spaceday after day I saw your golden eyesheard your piano voice and I took in a deep breath that day I said yesfor I knew men gave up after a few tastesBUT it came to pass that you never ran awaythat each day you loved me more than I asked fortrapped me in your warm hands and whispered sweet wordsmaking promises yet you lived by themI was pampered by your grace,secretly always waiting for your touchin the crystal moonlight behind your house that where I fell in love with you my love Norlan
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11/11/2018 5:34:57 AM
Topic:
CONFRESS
PHIONAH RENITAH
Posts: 2
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CONFESS ONCE you made a move i wasn't scared of for i expected you to come running and chasingthat's what men do around mefor I know I am a beauty ONCE I knew you will come to passthat the chasing will make you weary and like any other who has come by, you will let it goThen you will go for other waters perhaps deeper than thesefor every man at sometime gives upAND it came to pass that I was weary of your asking,knowing that if I didn't give you a chance you wouldn't give me spaceday after day I saw your golden eyesheard your piano voice and I took in a deep breath that day I said yesfor I knew men gave up after a few tastesBUT it came to pass that you never ran awaythat each day you loved me more than I asked fortrapped me in your warm hands and whispered sweet wordsmaking promises yet you lived by themI was pampered by your grace,secretly always waiting for your touchin the crystal moonlight behind your house that where I fell in love with you my love Norlan
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11/10/2018 8:01:14 AM
Topic:
Hypocricy
William More
Posts: 4
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I think there is nothing wrong in your creation!
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11/10/2018 7:57:22 AM
Topic:
WHAT SHOULD I TELL HER?
William More
Posts: 4
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Just forget about her...
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11/10/2018 7:55:46 AM
Topic:
I dont know how to begin
William More
Posts: 4
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If I were you, I would not do anything. If he likes you, he will take the first step himself. The main thing to be yourself!
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11/10/2018 7:50:27 AM
Topic:
Hello Poetry Forum
William More
Posts: 4
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Hello everyone!
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11/10/2018 6:42:32 AM
Topic:
Poll Question: Featured Poetic Forms...
Caren Krutsinger
Posts: 7
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I think it is nice the way it is. that you read and choose whatever hits your heart or your happy buds or your taste. You are doing a wonderful job, and I do not want to see you limit yourselves. I am thinking if you featured a particular type of poetry, some people might force themselves to write that poetry that week, but would not really "feel it". On the other hand it might encourage a person who almost always writes the same type to try a new way. Whatever you do, I am for you. Hip hip hooray for you I say! I love this site.
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11/9/2018 10:47:42 AM
Topic:
Trees in Winter
John Summers
Posts: 4
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Thank you Frank for a very good crit. You have given me much to consider...it is appreciated.
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11/8/2018 9:43:04 AM
Topic:
Trees in Winter
Frank Frank
Posts: 10
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Readable, but readability is rarely sufficient in a poem. You need some fresh language and ideas.
Leafless trees that are "naked" and colorful leaves that are "autumn finery" are both cliches, as is "innocence of youth".
"Where now the innocence of youth / And the boldness of summer?" 2nd line is not bad, but you need something a bit more original here. Remember that you're basically restating what a zillion poems have already said and where one of the most famous lines of French poetry in a common translation says "Where are the snows of yesteryear?" Rewrite this so we have something a little more memorable and then maybe try to answer the question (just an idea).
Days that are "fleeting": also kind of cliched. Give us something that tells us how they're fleeting. Example: Bukowski wrote "The days run away like wild horses over the hills". You don't forget that image, of something that you can't catch.
The "your" in line 6 presumably refers to summer, but maybe the narrator is addressing himself?
Last two lines: what if you put this is present tense and tell us how the passage is "marked", etc. - otherwise pretty vague.
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11/7/2018 4:24:19 PM
Topic:
Trees in Winter
John Summers
Posts: 4
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TREES IN WINTER
Naked against the winter sky
Their autumn finery lies moldering
Beneath the season’s first snow.
Where now the innocence of youth
And the boldness of summer?
How fleeting do your days appear,
Too soon they are consumed.
Regretfully, I marked your passage,
Then looked forward towards tomorrow
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11/6/2018 5:11:46 AM
Topic:
Virgin Poem
Grant Read
Posts: 1
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So I was kinda forced into this as I was invited to a Poetry Slam at some friends - this Friday.
So I searched and searched for a poem to read, not so easy considering this whole poetry thing is brand new. So after not making any headway and with the deadline looming I thought what the hell, why not just give it a go... and this is what came out after 40min of writing. I am really happy with it so i suppose that's what counts but I'd be interested to get some critic, even though I have already received 2 positive comments - thanks by the way, so I might keep going with it. I did enjoy the process.
Here is my Poem:
It's the Kalahari
The sun rose that morning like a freshly baked pie
Warm and golden
Its purpose prepared for the day ahead
To torch the bald and hat less heads
Its was time to take its place in dust clogged sky
Its barely six am when the sounds
of the first cow bells ring
as the beasts of burden make their way
to find the last remnants of the dry brown hay
the grasses thirst for that first rain
and the cattle search and search in vain
oh where are you black clouds and thunder
its been a long long and warm dry winter
as the day progresses the hope of rain dismisses
oh if only that storm front from the north
would makes its way and come forth
you can even smell the air its sweet aroma
as the sound of thunder gets ever nearer
the anticipation of all of nature fills the air
every creature
and when that ferocious downpour is at its finish
you think to yourself why so quick and why did you punish
but at least it has given you strength
to face another day to go the length
to put up with the heat and to say I’m sorry
for ever wanting to leave this beautiful Kalahari
edited by Bruzo on 11/6/2018
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11/5/2018 2:44:49 PM
Topic:
Women in the Waiting Room
Nancy Owens
Posts: 5
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Thank you, Frank.
I made changes, but I am still editing.
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11/4/2018 8:14:04 AM
Topic:
sometime you lose a poem
Tony Kirk
Posts: 1
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That's why they put erasers on pencils
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11/2/2018 6:30:07 AM
Topic:
HE
BONNIE Hollywood-Cutts
Posts: 3
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I like the message but the way it is presented with the two lines out of rhyme breaks the flow. but the poem has a good message to it
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