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What Its like
What's it like to get what makes you feel whole, not even whole jus gives you a reason to live? Gives you a season to look forward to. No expectations held at all. That door was closed at the beginning. No way I could find a person who has as much as me to give.
Simple communication token as pressure or prying that only starts confusion and anxiety. Presence meant as affection not knowing what to say or do to not trigger something I had nothing to do with, really makes me question sobriety.
Hiding emotions, forced to believe words over actions, pouring until I'm empty, and only receiving confirmation when given first. Battles fought, scares remembered, hell is found when the peace you seek demands obedience and silence to the point you want to burst.
I'm an example of a bad example. I'm nobody that you wanna be, cause the world is afraid of me. I never rely on my sanity, I threw it away and created the monster that has your attention today. I'm so hidden and you're never gonna see.
"Don't overthink so much!" "If there is a problem I will say something!" "Stop asking me so many questions!" "Every guy I have been with hit or yelled at me." "I'm not use to being treated so well." You are perfect the way you are. I will treat you as my Queen the way you deserve.
My mind is a cell. No one to talk to, no way to vent with constructive criticism. My thoughts run and the voices tell ghost stories they convince me are real. My personality is lacking. My attitude reflects my internal conflicts. It's either the best possible way or the world is gonna end and we are all gonna die. I can't find a middle, I can't find a way out of my self-built prison.
You don't know my story. No one knows my story. I'm in this life by myself full of worry. You think you know about me. people think they know about me. Everyone assumes. They ask no questions; they conduct no investigations. Going nowhere in a hurry.
What's it like to be wanted? To be chosen and showed. What's it like to not guess what you mean to others? I thought I knew at one time. I thought I found it this time. Found out I'm playing tetris with a losing code.
Copyright ©
George Smalls
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