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Depression vol 13 ~ Loveless

How dull I feel, writing of the same 
eternal misery like all those before me;
All my fellow poets, or the regretful 
artists lyrics, that forever seem to plea,

As fickle as a coin toss, as
rare as the solar eclipse,
If you happen to lose, the 
agony as brutal as warships,

Still no matter the price, I still yearn 
desperately to gain the magic promised in this prize,
However, I can't help but doubt that 
its all nothing but naively held lies,

The concoction of soul mates and love 
at first sight; just whimsical, misplaced hope,
Still wishing of knights in armour, 
whilst modern men just cuss and grope,

Such an alien concept, watching all the 
connections others seem to effortlessly make,
Maybe I should be grateful my delicate 
soul doesn't dare risk this stake,

Yet, feeling the even slightest of 
butterflies, it instantly quells my nihilism,
Ignorantly forgetting disastrous past 
attempts, the causality to my cynicism,

But reality eventually always kicks in, 
brutally extinguishing my daydreams,
Reconfirming this simply will never be, 
slipping me between the two extremes,

Either miserably longing for 
the simplest of attention,
Or drowning in loneliness, 
isolated like in permanent detention,

Forced to absorb the suffocating 
joy paraded around by other couples,
Knowing for me this shall never be, 
bitterly unclenching my knuckles,

Like my demons would ever allow 
me true happiness to ever take place,
As if I would ever be ahead, 
in this or any other rigged race,

Maybe I'm just never to understand 
the complex torture that is romance,
Doomed to continously be 
discounted at any first glance,

Turning stupidly, jaded with envy, 
I still attempt to appear remorseful,
Hearing friends petty quarrels, 
trying not to be too forceful,

I guess it shall remain an unsolved mystery, 
whether I will ever grasp it,
Leaving the question for my psychic, 
but doubting I shall ever ask it,

Trying my best to wish all those 
happy partners well in their peaceful bliss,
But just attempting to forget the 
trauma of my dreadful first ever kiss,

Wondering if I can find meaning in 
my life without this missing part,
Striving to find contentment, 
even with the gaping hole in my heart.

Copyright © Katie Smith