Canned 'stink' - State of the Art For Crowd Control
Canned ‘STINK’ - State of the Art for Crowd Control
My girl and I were sitting in a theater last night, waiting for the lights to fade and feature film to start,
When someone fairly close to us - seemingly decomposing - introduced a fragrance that would make the average fart
Literally hang its head in shame! Nothing on this earth, close at all to being human, stands the slightest chance
Of emptying, more rapidly, a room - despite its size - than what had been dispersed by whom had obviously - filled their pants!
With moving not an option - as there were no empty seats - knowing the deadly cloud would take some time to dissipate,
I dumped out my popcorn bucket, turned it upside down, and placed it on my girlfriend’s head - trying to save my date!
I took her hand - helped her up - side-stepped to the aisle, then - melding with the frantic mob - steered her toward the door!
But...glancing back at where we’d sat I spied a teenage girl sitting three rows back from where we’d been...maybe four.
I noticed, unmistakably, the girl was wearing nose-plugs...along with what I’d have to term - a very arrogant grin!
It started me to contemplating --- Why would she have nose-plugs...and, why - when all were rushing out - she’d opt for - staying in?
I noticed her discretely spritz a tiny chartreuse spray of what I figured had to be the source of what, I swear,
Would have killed, without a doubt, any human being trapped without a means of breathing - unpolluted air!
A couple hours later - when the film had run its course - and those of us in quarantine observed her coming out,
I was standing near enough to hear the girl’s reply when someone asked her what the hell the nose-plugs were about.
“I hate the ugly noises that the viewers always make when slurping pop and chewing their concessions during the show,
And hate the way it ruins the mood when some disgusting nerd, sitting in a middle seat, decides they need to - “GO”,
How they burst out laughing at the most cliché routines, muffling what the actors say when offering their replies,
And how, I swear, it never fails...a bunch o’ total wooses ball their frickin’ heads off when the movie’s hero dies!”
It also really burns my ass to sit near sickly fools who drown out bits of dialogue every time they cough,
And I’d be tickled pink to murder every single jerk too damn dumb, or too damn rude to turn their cell phone off!
Oddly - as I listened - I could actually see her point, and, aimed at confirmation, as she turned to walk away,
I inquired, discretely, “Am I right in my assumption that somehow, through your research, you’ve apparently found a way
“Of pressurizing super-stinky-smells - inside a can...then spritzing crowds of people that you’re wanting to disperse?”
“That, indeed’s, precisely what I’ve done,” the girl explained, “and one that I’m now working on, I promise you, is worse!
“The crowd that I dispersed today took longer than I like, but I’ve been using horse manure to can my latest smell,
And what I’m currently working with - though made with dung as well - will, I’m certain, top them all, and...trust me...you can tell!
“If I can capture flatulence - ( and keep this to yourself ) - gleaned direct from fresh supplies of HIPPO --- you-know-what ---
I can get it patented, then market it for - ‘crowd control’! Imagine - gettin’ super rich thanks to a hippo’s butt!”
Surprised to learn how proud she was, I asked, “So, what’s it like - sittin’ through a two-hour movie in a theater - all alone?”
“It’s wonderful,” she countered...“I’ll sell ya’ a can o’ ‘stink’...and you, of course, can buy yourself some nose-plugs of your own...
“Then do the same as I just did. And - if your girl survives, and asks if she can join you, you can buy a second pair...
Grab a couple seats up high...odors tend to fall...then spritz away discretely ‘til you’ve pulverized the air!”
I didn’t accept her offer ‘cause I’m far too nice o’ guy...but I believe, without a doubt, she’s going to reach her goal,
‘Cause, after what she’d used on us, I know her - line of smells - is bound to be the latest thing for achieving - ‘crowd control’!
Copyright ©
Mark Stellinga
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