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Real me Part one
Four walls are enticing
Can't get out of my own head
Who is that figure in the mirror?
The face that haunts me
Nimble and limp - I feel misplaced
Envious and boiled and ready to put on simmer
Want to circle up in a ball and just tear my hair out
Can't get over these thoughts - driving me wild
The way I look at them as they walk on by
Don't know how lucky you've got it
I'm fighting myself
Can't show this you see?!
Not allowed to
Just hold back these waters and shore up your defences
I am too dependent on people and don't want to tear connections apart
I feel so alone and so stranded and feel like I am the only person who feels like this
Need my own space
I need to just procrastinate constantly to escape it
Can't you see me and the person who lies beyond it
Can't you see my tears run constantly down my face
And the way I zip from joke to joke trying to make you laugh
In order to feel human, feel valid, to feel accepted by you
It is all a performance you see
It isn't the person I want to be
I have to live within these means
People don't want to see it
See the real me
Even I hate it
Self loathing and low self esteem
Have formed from this
I hate my body and I hate my sex
I hate these expectations and the way people see me
I am not a man you see
I am more than that
I am beyond that
I am trans you see
But you can't see
Some do and some don't
Some will vilify and make you not feel wanted and make you just want to give it all in
Even I wanted to give it all in
Give up
Cut myself
Hurt myself badly
Until I bled out
Because this body isn't mine
I hate it
Just want to be like them
Like that woman I see on TV or who passes me by
Can't I be a woman or am I woman
I am allowed to be
My dad wants me to be the man of the house
I lived through his views and expectations and through my school's expectations - just "man up" and "not show my emotions"
But I am emotional you see
I am emotional
But I hated myself for it
People have used me
Abused me
Taken advantage of me
Ignored me
Mocked me
Kicked me
Beaten me
Blamed me
Turn their back on me
Don't get it wrong
I am no innocent flower
I have hurt others and I have been a dick at the best of times to even the best of people
But I just want to be me you see
But some people can't see
This government can't see
The media can't see
My family sometimes even now can't see
And therefore I can't see
As I am dependent you see
Copyright ©
Martyn King
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