|
| |
Brain Injury
Pain settles in quite instantly your senses
are totally unprepared for this graveness
the notion to sleep sets in like an energetic
twilight phase the injury abruptly strangles
thought my ears are always ringing with this
strange metallic taste on my tongue my limbs
are numb I weep a lot for no reasons out burst
of grief for the person I once was before this
car bomb ignited my face crushing all the bones
in my face my eye socket fell into my cheek
I remember seeing this pinkish beige substance on
the windshield and dashboard amazingly I glance
in the mirror and saw my eye dangling underneath
I noticed the pinkish beige substance had been blown
out splattered across the vehicle I began piecing
it back under my eye packing it like play doe
fixing my face in shock everything went cold on
this warm day citrus aroma covered the highway
from rows of orange groves melancholy matter
this feeling is ongoing through medical treatment
cognitive teaching an yet pain and suffering
continues ignited by light sound taste severe
stress I awaken to death my untimely death I
envision myself deceased even thou I know
I survived the bones in my skull bites the nerve
endings as I'm rushed into a dark place isolated
no sound I'm empty lost receiving twelve nerve
block injections every month painful struggling
with anxiety depression ptsd panting panic attacks
getting some solace from medications as I awake
sleeping I sleep awake dreaming while awake
narcolepsy takes over i want to vomit pain creeps
across my forehead attaching to the actual
impact where my head slammed I wonder who
I am in this state of brain injury healing brings
comfort a weary gesture over shadows my waking
hours I feel numb afraid to feel anything due to
the long lasting effect borrowed from my mind
captured in a sullen notion of health crying hurts
my head honesty I'm thinking of dying as a relief
the end of severe traumatic headaches the
physical sleep state to allow my brain respite
quiet time away from the wrath of pain of suffrage
I saw myself deceased again i could see on lookers
saying she looks so natural why no one knew the
extent of her pain she's in a better place now
her pain and suffering is no more fear sets in
arouses me to try and move my legs am I
dreaming why can't I move my legs cataplexy
I struggle to move them but they are weak
and very heavy gravely I realize I want to live
I should want to live what will my family think
was she a coward to want to leave us she was
so upbeat happy laughing all the time suffering
so horribly I'm in a state grateful for great doctors
not grateful living with pain mental diseases
emotional diseases flash backs wearing wires
pregnant for the FBI brutal beatings from
domestic violence oh how strong she is how
she survived living in a state of panic hated
I don't like her timid afraid broken bruised
lifeless brain dead can she here us can she feel
the pokes her eyes are blinking her limbs
are jerking wake up agent Braun wake up
we're all here we're not going to let you die
I think to myself I'm already dead trying not
to disappoint my neurologist who always say
you're so brave my psychiatrist tells me
you're doing so much better my therapist
say's you've come along way an yet deep
sadness overwhelming tears tears tears
puffy eyes ears ringing a new day same dawn
it's okay not to feel good all the time it's okay
to be sad alone afraid masking it all by one
great big smile followed by I'm okay I'm blessed
knowing i am totally drained on a ledge afraid
to actually jump i don't dare go out in traffic
nearly walked in front of a bus in that moment
i knew it would be over quickly but what if I'm
blessed enough to survive even more pain so
I abandoned that kind of harsh sudden death
my brain hurt filled with sheer confusion achiness
shadows my existence medication quickly blocks
suicide thoughts replacing them by forced rushing
memory of my calm place Frauenkirche our lady of
Munich seated in the garden pollen tickles my nose
i sneeze and laugh a little a giant plane goes over
head i embrace the return of yet another traumatic
event the smell of flowers replaced with smoke
i don't like it here don't take me there i don't want to
remember buildings burning screams wails sirens
panting going undercover wearing wires for the FBI
hearing my fetus heartbeat thee arsons vaguely i
try and stay focused on the here and now my calm
place my eyes are closed soothing myself but the
pain in my head is drifting backwards renouncing
coping my mind struggles to think without pain to
breathe without panting would be the greatest
achievement so i try it deep at first then shallow
deep then shallow tears roll panic attacks always
seems to make me cry because i feel like my
breath is being taking away it's returning to normal
there's a small beacon light in view faint hues
I seek solace and peace falling in love with myself
again i want to hold her and say I'm so sorry
I frightened her she is very kind to me we've
been through so many challenges and she's never
ever left me this state is tricky for me due to
several altar egos they rarely appear only during
fight flight panic mode when i just cannot function
without breaking down my therapist said there
could be at least seven different races and ages
the youngest one is indeed the strongest we all
protect her i won't name her she's just the kidd
Mary me full of grace usually causes the weeping she's
so sensitive but the weeping takes my breath away
my throat closes up my therapist is startled today we
are all staring back at her she's fascinated I'm stuck
panting breathing panting breathing my eyes are so puffy
rubbing my hands together I'm filled with fear my
heart racing reliving madness wrath traumatic events
this sends signals to thee other alter egos saving me
from the sudden onset of my very own wonderful death
Copyright ©
Yolanda Nicholsen
|
|