Poetry Forum

L. Meadow - all messages by user

5/10/2017 12:07:34 AM
Love for the Moment	Ok, the first that immediately leaps out is theincorrect use of enjambment. Enjambment is the insertion of a new poetical linewithin the grammatical line/sentence for emphasis. Normally the emphasis fallson the first and last word of each line of poetry. When you force a line breakinto the line, it forces the reader's attention onto the 'new' last word. So looking at your poem - what was it youwanted to emphasize about the words in bold? I get Addicted To her Novocaine Moments, The times where She makes Everything Quiet. She lights fires In places I can’t See, Burns tattoo-like Days into my palms So I’ll never forget. And I won’t. Take my hand And I’ll swallow you Like an angry God- A distant God- One I can’t find Myself Believing in. Then, Tap into my Soul Like a maple tree, It bleeds out Memories And heartbreak Hopefulness, Like this time It will be Different. No two Loves Are the same, Or even Comparable- I’d say I love you now For who you are Currently, Just as some don’t love Anymore For who I have Become. But, I’d say, I love you Wholeheartedly. I’d say, Take this kiss- It’ll be different tomorrow, Or even today, In the late afternoon- But Just like how vines grow Together up poles I’d say I want to grow With you, Together, Entwined like vines Or wires Or cotton fibers- I just know that Things do grow Apart, Too. I’d say, You burn brighter. But fuses burn bright When they burst And I’m more wary now Than ever About love that feels like Fire, About a touch that burns Deeper Than cooling charcoal Embers- I want Something That feels like peace Or serenity Or maybe Just a quiet spot Somewhere Away from all these People, My thoughts. I deal in Some days, Which is to say That I dream of a Love to be, Which is to say That I love the idea Of tomorrow More than living today, Or remembering Yesterday And if I remember Any of this, Of you and I, It’s because you are Something I never wanted to Forget. So let's put the emphasis on words that DO matter with adifferent set of line breaks. And we are going to take out all the words thatmean nothing like 'and' and 'that' and other prepositions and conjunctions. I get addicted To her Novocaine Moments, She makes everything quiet. She lights fires In places I can’t see, Burns tattoo-like days into my palms so I’ll neverforget. And I won’t. Take my hand I’ll swallow you like an angry God- A distant God- One Ican’t find myself believing. Tap into mySoul Like a maple tree, It bleeds out memories And heartbreak Hopefulness, Like this time It will be different. No two loves Are the same, Or even comparable- I’d say I love you now For who you are Just as some don’t love me anymore For who I have Become. But, I’d say, I love you wholeheartedly. I’d say, Take this kiss- It’ll be different tomorrow, Or even today, In the late afternoon- Just like how vines grow Together up poles I’d say I want to grow With you, together, Entwined like vines Or wires Or cotton fibers- I just know that Things do grow Apart. I’d say, You burn brighter. But fuses burn bright When they burst And I’m more wary now Than ever About love that feels like fire, About a touch that burns deeper Than cooling charcoal embers- I want Something That feels like peace Or serenity Or maybe Just a quiet spot Somewhere Away from all these people, My thoughts. I deal in Some days, Which is to say I dream of a love to be, Which is to say I love the idea Of tomorrow More than living today, Or remembering Yesterday If I remember Any of this, Of you and I, It’s because you are Something I never wanted to forget. Some other hints – there are still places that are justwaffle, empty words. Condense this poem into no more than two verses – distill yourthoughts down to the finest refinement of them – and you have something!
5/10/2017 12:09:25 AM
Love for the Moment	Sorry for the weird formatting. I had to do this in word and then copy/paste it over because the text box here is too small and can't be enlarged. For some reason it ignored spaces in some places.
5/10/2017 12:20:34 AM
The Weight of Living	it's certainly on the edge of something amazing. The imagery is strong and graphic, although some doesn't make sense. Why are the statues 'salacious'? and the image of the dripping sun falling into your open mouth? Also you have suddenly changed from first person to second person. Silence slams again and again Into already bleeding eardrums, Reminding me Just how much can change When a single light Is snuffed out And shadows creep into the spaces Where a softly flickering star Used to glow. Even the white noise Hovering at the edges of my vision Has disappeared, Replaced by something so deeply wrong, The entire floor feels As though it’s tilting; Falling e̶v̶e̶r̶ slowly to t̶h̶e̶ one side a̶n̶d̶ depositing its salacious (?) statues Into a widening void. Let the dripping sun (?) Fall into your my open mouth, Depositing the last vestiges of life Over a plain of darkening bruises Blossoming o̶v̶e̶r̶ in reality a̶n̶d̶ distorting fantasy. At very least that should give you some ideas of where this still needs work.
5/10/2017 9:40:56 AM
The Weight of Living	however "synonymous" salacious and lecherous are, they do not mean the same at all. Salacious: arousing or appealing to sexual desire or imagination Lecherous: given to or characterized by lechery; lustful. "Salacious" refers to attracting sexual attention. She licked her lips salaciously and crooked her finger at her mark. While "lecherous" refers to the act of giving sexual attention. He leered at the young woman lecherously. And as for the rest of your response - if you don't want help, don't invite critique. Every point you felt you needed to explain, is a point that needs work. If those are not evident in your poem. If I 'missed' them, it's not because I'm a "stupid" reader, it's because you didn't write them. edited by L. Meadow on 5/10/2017
5/10/2017 11:47:24 AM
Nobel Prize Winner?	hmm may I suggest that a diatribe does not a good poem make?
5/15/2017 12:33:35 AM
Nobel Prize Winner?	it genuinely does not read as humourous. The tone is, not exactly angry, but dismissive, putting down. And most certainly reads like a moan - NOBEL PRIZE WINNER? Nasal, sand paper gritty voice. - this is a put down Why did he win the literature Nobel? “The answer my friend” may be “blowin’ in the wind.” i.e. you have no idea why he won What were the Swedes thinking - again dismissive, no respect for their choice when they voted, what were they on? - had to have been 'on' something to make the choice they did Probably sat around saying “everybody must get stoned.” only people high on something would do this Some probably opposed the vote How could it be unanimous? such a poor choice some MUST have disagreed The yeas said “don’t stand in the doorway, don’t block up the hall.” so they were coerced into agreeing The chair tried to contact this great man of counterculture sounds sarcastic poetry. No response. The notice on his website taken down. he blew them off Surly, snarling, reclusive. he is not a nice person His thought might have been “Go away from my window…… I’m not the one you need.” he rejected them proving they were wrong Will he come to Stockholm? Will he stay hidden? Perhaps we should ask Quinn the mighty Eskimo. sarcastic tone again - who knows if he will go accept his award and basically we don't care if he does. So you might want to reconsider the tone in which this is written, because any humour in it is being lost.
5/17/2017 12:03:52 PM
Nobel Prize Winner?	And here we go again. IF you do NOT want critique, can't accept critique and think the poem is wonderful the way it is then DO NOT POST IT FOR CRITIQUE
5/17/2017 12:05:21 PM
Poetry Criticism - by - Bob Atkinson	All the people who do not understand that critique means that people will not be saying 'oh that's nice'.
5/17/2017 2:32:41 PM
How do you feel? Please help.	"We" is incorrect and it should be "us". "We" is used when it is the subject and "us" when it is the object. You are also missing a comma and soften the hearts of us, the cursed dead, You also have a tense issue:- released (line 1) past tense touches (line 2) is present tense to cool (line 3) and 'to relieve (line 4) are future tense
5/18/2017 9:52:19 AM
Poetry Criticism - by - Bob Atkinson	The ONLY response to critique is thank you or please explain/expand. IF you are motivated to benefit from critique and engage in a discussion with someone intent on helping where you work together to express what you are trying to say in the best clearest way possible then that's also OK, but arguing with a critique because it upset your notion that was nothing wrong in the first place - then a critique group is not for you.
5/18/2017 7:50:52 PM
The Tell	One of the first things to learn about poetry (besides the fact that it doesn't have to rhyme) is that every word must have a purpose and add something to the line. If you can delete a word without changing the meaning then one should do so. These words are known as expletives or 'empty' words. Expletives are words or phrases that do not add any structural or grammatical meaning to the sentence. These words and phrases are often referred to as empty words, meaningless phrases, or redundant pairs because they do not add any information to the sentence. Some common "empty" words are: all articles (a/an, the) all conjunctions adverbs It depends on context and the sentence/line, but one of the first things to do is go through your poem line by line and see which words you can delete without changing the meaning. Then delete them. This will immediately give your poem more punch. The Tell The hill stood on its plain for eons between mountains and sea, Still, quiet, barren, As wind blew across And stars shifted in their courses, A hunter returning from the hunt Eight thousand years ago Saw the spring at its base Lived on its summit then died. Other people came later; settled on the hill Built a village, After many years, A small city, Then, for unknown reasons, left. Many more cities were built on the hill: Walled cities that lived for a while But in their turn burnt and destroyed By great armies from distant empires, Or simply abandoned. Each destroyed city, Each abandoned city Left behind a layer of debris Of collapsed buildings and toppled walls. So, slowly, the hill grew. But each time, a new city Built atop the remains of the older ones By new peoples Drawn to the hill by its spring And its promise of refuge. Canaanite merchants, Hittite soldiers, Hebrew prophets, Assyrian generals, Greek stone cutters, Byzantines, Saracens, Crusaders; Each in their time came And left an imprint on the hill before passing on. But there came a day The ground shifted The spring dried up. The people moved away, No one ever came to rebuild there again. rebuild and again are redundant, use one or the other The wind blew across it, The dust settled Buried its streets and walls. Once more The hill stood still and quiet. Until Men and women from a distant university Came to dig down through its layers, To find and to bring to light the ancient traces Of the life that once lived there. There are still problems with whole phrases that are weak e.g. 'for awhile', and really the whole poem doesn't have any great meaning or emotional impact. It is not a good narrative poem either because it does not tell a good story. Think about the emotional core of what you want to say is. When you think of the tell, of the weight of its history - what do you feel? Try to convey that feeling to the reader through your poem.
5/18/2017 8:34:07 PM
How to use the correct structure for my poetry	Um epub is a file type so I don't really understand the question. You can't 'upload' the files to epub only convert them.
5/19/2017 6:51:22 AM
PROPER CRITIQUE ETTIQUETTE	When you invite critique on your work, you are saying "please help me make this better", or "please help me be a better writer". The motivation of the person who responds to that request is to help. Now sometimes that help might be more in depth than others. Some will be more useful than others, but make no mistake, the intent is to help to the best ability of the person critiquing. So what should your response be? #1 Do NOT ARGUE with the person who offered critique .Nor should you try to justify your choices no matter how wrong the criitique may seem to you. Many workshops / critique groups have strict rules about not responding to any critique except to say thank you. #2 No matter how much you may disagree with a critique, wait until your emotions subside and read it again quietly. Try to evaluate the critique unemotionally. #3 Evaluate the criticique. Was there anything useful in it? Does it teach you anything? Does it suggest a new way of looking at your work. You may not like the exact ideas put forward, but do they make you think differently than you did before? Is there anything at all you can take from it and use to make your poem better? #4 Understand that the critiquer's perspective on the poem is that of an outsider. Things that are obvious to you, the writer, are not obvious to them. Even if they ask what seems to be a silly question, understand that the question arose because something in your writing was not clear. The way they receive your words is that of a reader coming to the work cold. They do not know you, they do not know what you know about the work. And they can't know. If you feel compelled to explain what they don't know, but which you know, then there is a problem with the writing. You aren't sitting on the shoulder of every reader waiting at the ready to explain what you meant by a certain word of phrase and 'oh wait, that actually means ..' EVERY question or bit the critiquer doesn't understand is because you didn't write it well enough. #5 Critique is not a personal attack. Yes your work is your baby that you shed blood, sweat and tears to get on the page, but you also knew that it might not be as perfect as it can be, so you asked for help. Someone took the time and made the effort to attempt to help. They aren't maliciously attempting to attack you personally. Try to remember that. And if you do get upset - see #1.
5/19/2017 2:46:46 PM
PROPER CRITIQUE ETTIQUETTE	dWite wrote: I like this, and I agree. I personally welcome critique on my writing. I welcome it on the 'normal' and I would welcome it here. Thank you for bringing it to our attention.# Your point #4 I would like to add or argue that some poems are deliberately kept vague, not everything should have to be explained, some ambiguity is attractive. If it is needed to be able to give decent critique, yes then I agree edited by dWite on 5/19/2017 I know this is going to sound like an oxymoron, but even if it is 'vague' in one sense, it should still be clear what the author is aiming to express.
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