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10/15/2018 11:22:36 AM
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Sadness (Please critique)
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Sadness
Sadness these days seems to linger
Though I’d rather that she’d leave
But I’ve noticed for some reason
That with every sigh I heave
Sadness seems a bit less awkward
She seems a whole lot more at ease
And no longer am I feeling
Like I am stuck with a disease
I even start a conversation
Somewhat alarmed but I still dare
I gently probe to get some answers
My conscience warns and says ’Beware!’
But fear now slowly has departed
To my amazement I must say
Though sadness came much uninvited
I’m not disgusted by her stay
Eventually we move much closer
We look each other in the eyes
We gently settle our confusions
Set every truth apart from lies
And I give sadness my permission
On occasion she may show
Cause I’ve noticed in her presence
I mature more than I know.
Wendy Nipas
edited by wendyme on 10/15/2018
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10/16/2018 6:53:21 AM
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Sadness (Please critique)
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Thank you so much Sidney. Have a nice day.
sidneybrown wrote:
Great article, thank you for sharing. I just love reading it.
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10/16/2018 6:57:07 AM
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Woman (Please critique)
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Woman
I don’t think that I should teach you
Actually, I don’t prefer
To be neither coach nor tutor
The thought alone won’t make me stir
As a female I’m entitled
To feel as feminine as I can
And don’t judge me for expecting
The validation of a man
Not that I am unaware of
My own value or my pride
I just want to be respected
Though weaker vessel, or despite
May my weakness make me precious
May it force a gentle touch
Can chivalry still be requested?
Or would that be a tad too much?
I still prefer to be a woman
With lady looks and temperament
With girly traits whether odd or silly
I consider them a compliment
What makes me different is a virtue
It makes me special, yes indeed
I was created as a woman
To God the glory for this breed.
Wendy Nipas
edited by wendyme on 10/16/2018
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10/18/2018 8:29:51 AM
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Woman (Please critique)
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Thank you Bob. I did check out your poem. I love it and I do agree.
Bob_Atkinson wrote:
Another way to look at it:
www.bobatkinson-poet.com/2018/08/feminist-folly-by-bob-atkinson.html?q=feminist
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10/19/2018 6:20:43 AM
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The test (Please critique)
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The test
In these days of gender turmoil
Gender issues, gender strife
It has now become a puzzle
How to go about with life
What to teach our growing children?
Who or what defines their role?
When the family is in shambles
Undermining every goal
It’s confusion upon confusion
Rules and morals what are they?
What was once highly regarded
Is quickly seen as ’in the way’
Change the system, change foundations
Make things easy, cut the chains
That restrict the craving human
Never mind the stains and pains
We decide what we’re becoming
Can’t you see? And it goes well
If you doubt what you are seeing
Then don’t ask and we won’t tell
The time has come to make things over
The more the better, let’s recreate
And we will not stop to ponder
If this is prompted by self-hate
Let us live out every feeling
How we think is how we feel
And this unrestricted living
Really does have strong appeal
As the genders keep confusing
One another and the rest
Whether agreed on or objected
This puts all mankind to the test.
Wendy Nipas
edited by wendyme on 10/19/2018
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10/22/2018 7:37:50 AM
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Woman (Please critique)
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Woman
I don’t think that I should teach you
Actually, I don’t prefer
To be neither coach nor tutor
The thought alone won’t make me stir
As a female I’m entitled
To feel as feminine as I can
And don’t judge me for expecting
The validation of a man
Not that I am unaware of
My own value or my pride
I just want to be respected
Though weaker vessel, or despite
May my weakness make me precious
May it force a gentle touch
Can chivalry still be requested?
Or would that be a tad too much?
I still prefer to be a woman
With lady looks and temperament
With girly traits whether odd or silly
I consider them a compliment
What makes me different is a virtue
It makes me special, yes indeed
I was created as a woman
To God the glory for this breed.
Wendy Nipas
edited by wendyme on 10/22/2018
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10/27/2018 8:09:40 AM
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Woman (Please critique)
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mooren2mymind wrote:
I liked it . it came from your heart.
Thank you Jay, it sure did.
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10/27/2018 8:11:41 AM
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Woman (Please critique)
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Thank you FrankFrank. Actually the poem is witten as a rebuttal to those mocking the feminine woman and those who look down on women as being less than men. Therefore my particular choice of words. The poem is about a woman proudly claiming her Godgiven role, qualities and privileges. Thanks for your frank observations.
[1quote=Frank]First line starts out fine, then everything goes flat in the next two lines, which kind of repeat the first line, right? And the double negative - ouch.
Cliches: "weaker vessel" (does anyone still believe that?), "To God the glory".
"breed": in this context is surely a most distasteful word and anyway you probably mean "gender"; confine "breed" to livestock, please.
"force a gentle touch": maybe unintentional, but I like this anyway - gentleness being forced (implication of violence).
Maybe try stripping this down to half its length. Perhaps first write out what you want to say in declarative sentences, probably only about two or three needed. Then rewrite them using more poetic language, rhythm, etc. Be sure to read aloud at all stages - if you don't hear at least a little music, well, try again.
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11/16/2018 12:30:32 PM
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Woman (Please critique)
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Thank you Carolyn. I'll take your suggestion to heart. I'm still learning. Thanks for replying though.
Carolyn Fish wrote:
I agree with Frank on reading aloud and making sure the rhythm is on point. The poem has good rhythm in certain areas, but is a bit awkward in other areas. In my opinion, a poem should not only be consistent in the story it tells, but also consistent stylistically.
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11/26/2018 11:07:26 AM
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Woman (Please critique)
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Thank You Levi. It's funny how different the reactions are to this poem. I do value all of them. It shows that the poem is interesting. Why do people want me to break up my poems in stanzas though? That's the only advice I refuse to take (lol). Other than that, I understand and I appreciate all the reactions. Thank you so much.
Levi wrote:
Lets take a look at Franks psychological bias. The only thing that goes flat is Frank since he is unable to say how it goes flat. Classic poets also repeat the same concept in different lines depending on the effect one wants. I don't think "weaker vessel" itself is a cliche since you rarely hear it. Perhaps he means that the "attitude" of women being weaker is a cliche--but, Frank, that is how people think.
When I hear the word, "breed", I never think of livestock only people, I guess Frank was raised on a farm. The fact that he likes the implication of violence only displays his repressed anger and long term frustration. So, you may need to clean up some grammer and maybe seperate the stanzas, but no need to re-write the poem in his style.
In conclusion, every critic has a clear bias to a style they prefer, but want you really want is to develop your own style. (If Frank sees this, its nothing personal as I just used you as an example; have a great day).
edited by Levi on 11/23/2018
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12/4/2018 10:32:21 AM
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The test (Please critique)
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Hi Jack,
To answer your question, uh, confessional poets? I may sound a bit ignorant, but I don't really know any confessional poets. I guess I should? I'm so new at this. Will you recommend some?Why the question if I may ask? And thanks for replying.
superlativedeleted wrote:
Do you have any favorite confessional poets?
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12/15/2018 7:19:58 PM
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The test (Please critique)
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Thank you Charles, very kind of you.
Charles wrote:
Wendy: Just have to give you an A on this one dear. You kept your pace, form, conviction and content all the way through a long formidable subject. Good write. Charles Henderson
edited by Charles on 12/13/2018
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12/16/2018 7:15:26 PM
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What do you consider "Not a poem" ?
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Any piece of writing that does not inspire, any piece of writing that has no effect whatsoever on the emotions or the mind. Any piece of writing that is just a number of words strung together with no purpose or meaning. I'd say none of that is poetry.
edited by wendyme on 12/16/2018
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1/8/2019 7:24:34 AM
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The test (Please critique)
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Thank you Luisa. I'll take your words to heart.
ThatDramaKid wrote:
This is a very beautiful poem, but it would be perfect if just a little shorter. You have a beautiful message, but it gets a little muddled in all the words. Sometimes, less is more!
edited by wendyme on 1/8/2019
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6/3/2019 11:17:48 AM
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New poem (On cue)
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On cue
God his purpose is elusive
What is actually his role
In our lives and in our planning?
What good is worship as a whole?
Don’t we long for independence?
Why would this start up a fuss?
Why should we give God the power
To decide what’s right for us?
We don’t want to be directed
Why wait for his sign and cue?
We could use him as co-pilot…?
That’s the least that we can do
Mind you, we will give the orders
We’ll do exactly as we feel
And when it gets a little tricky
We might scream ’Jesus take the wheel!’
This doesn’t mean that we are cowards
No, it means we have a choice
For in a fair collaboration
Every partner has a voice
Equal say and equal privilege
And we claim it, it’s our right
But we want God to be ready
To find a cure for every plight
Until then, he should be quiet
He should utter not a word
We’ll appreciate his presence
Even more if he’s not heard
As we brazenly continue
See us veer and see us swerve
As our silenced fellow traveler
Waits for his cue to come and serve.
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4/8/2020 2:51:18 PM
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Happenstance (Please critique)
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Happenstance
A puppet once was not amused
Was tired of being tugged and used
He wanted no more of it all
And every time he chose to fall
Whenever he would feel a jerk
That ordered him to jump or twerk
He just lay down and he would sniff
He did not move, he was just stiff
No longer did he want to shake
’cause all this wiggling was just fake
A happy puppet he was not
That’s what his master had forgot
And since he did not seem to care
The puppet gave him a good scare
The master therefore stooped to see
How all of this had come to be
With gentle touch and gentle stroke
He kindly to his puppet spoke
To him it was by happenstance
That his puppet carried on his dance.
Wendy Nipas
Wendy Nipas
edited by wendyme on 4/8/2020
edited by wendyme on 4/16/2020
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