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12/11/2016 12:42:10 AM
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My First Couplet
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Hi Ady,
I have a lot of comments. Maybe too many for "gentle" criticism, but I mean no offense.
My opinion: put a comma in the first line, after "pieces."
I think it reads better that way, especially since you have a comma in the second line.
"A hundred puzzle pieces, scattered on the floor." 7/5 syllables. Has a nice rhythm to it.
"All is in place, except for one more." 4/5 syllables.
That can read pretty well, but I think it would be better with 5/5 or even more then 5 before the comma.
Perhaps "All is now in place, except for one more." 5/5
Or, "I set them all in place, except for one more." 6/5
Or, "I positioned them in place, except for one more." 7/5
Can still be better yet. Say the first line, "a HUN-dred PUZZ-uhl PEE-sez," with the capital letters being the stressed syllables, and the lower-case letters being the unstressed syllables. That unstressed/STRESSED thing is an iamb, much used in poetry. Things sound good when the same rhythm is carried all the way through, so it's something to strive for.
That last example has things backwards, as far as the stresses: "I puh-ZISH-und.." so now we have STRESSED/unstressed when ideally it would be reversed. Doesn't have to be - the main thing is that it sounds good - and it may take a lot of thought and work to get things "right."
Also, saying in the second line that you positioned the pieces or placed them, set them, etc., clears up the action in the reader's mind. To go from them being "scattered on the floor," to instantly being all in place (but one) in the second line doesn't sound quite right.
"I didn’t realize one was missing.
And it seems there’s no chance of it resurfacing."
If you want each couplet to rhyme, then this needs work. The lines need to be closer in total number of syllables, too, for best effect. So it is for the rest of the poem.
Good luck, and enjoy yourself,
Doug
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12/11/2016 10:12:38 PM
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Get Questions Answered
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Rhymerca wrote:
add an Acrostic poem of almost 10,000 characters?
Denis,
You'll have to break it up and post it in separate pieces. People often do this, with the title then being something like "Title I" and "Title II," or similar. Normal limit is 2500 characters, 6000 for Premium members.
edited by Doug Vinson on 12/11/2016
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12/11/2016 10:13:54 PM
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Get Questions Answered
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caroldavis wrote:
I have a OLD book written by someone that has Robert louis stevensons poems and some playwrites in them. I don't know who wrote the book because the cover is off and has a makeshift cover saying "poems by Robert Louis Stevenson" with no author. can anyone give me info about this book and who may have wrote it. the pages are fragil and it's not in that great of shape. It starts out "Stevenson as a poet" and then goes into Underwoods, then A child's garden of verses, and so on. can anyone help me with this? e-mail webejammin1998@yahoo.com thanks
Carol, I think that just searching on Google is the best way to start, there.
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12/11/2016 10:17:52 PM
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Get Questions Answered
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sunnygal wrote:
How do I post a poem under the "gentle" critique forum? Doesn't seem to be a button. Everything I push takes me to facebook.
Peggy, the Forum >> Be Gentle (in the Poetry Critique section). Then the link for "new topic" in the upper right.
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12/21/2016 9:58:39 PM
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Hello from Ontario, Canada!
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 Hey Val, welcome!
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12/21/2016 10:50:30 PM
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One of my personal favorites, but not so with PS.
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Trey, my opinions: I love the first two lines. Love love love.
Then, despair guards your fatigued core - seems a little contradictory to me, i.e. "guards" implies some beneficial aspect; how can despair do that? And - surrounded by the ruin of all that you implore - seems too open-ended to me; you are imploring, begging, asking strongly for...what?
Diadem and ramify - good words for poems, but perhaps unknown to many readers? Not saying that's necessarily a bad thing, but could lead to less comments. It's not bad to stretch out or indulge our vocabularies - I'm just thinking that people click on a poem, if they're after the quick fix, the easy hit, they may scan and quickly go on to another poem.
The poem also changes line length and rhythm a good bit - my gut feeling is that this will filter out some readers.
Just guesses here. 60 views, 0 comments - I wonder, too.
Doug
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12/21/2016 10:59:28 PM
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These Threes
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Keith, lots of views, so why no comments as of now? I think that in this poem you may be trying too hard, forcing things.
I've done it plenty myself, wanting to take things to the max, get in as many rhymes as I can, be clever, etc., and I never know when to stop.
You certainly do pull off the rhymes, but are the stanzas really fun for the reader?
edited by Doug Vinson on 12/21/2016
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12/21/2016 11:26:24 PM
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Doldrums - by - Bob Atkinson
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Bob, I like the overall idea - that the 'doldrums' isn't necessarily a bad thing, that there may be value in silence, watching, listening, contemplation.
The 2nd and 4th lines rhyme in the first two and last two stanzas, but not the middle four stanzas. I think the reader is going to notice that, and may feel the loss of the rhyme.
Writing with an eye to the reader - this may be cutting things pretty fine, but it's one thing that struck me - in the first stanza, you compare seeing (the senses, perception, going right into the brain, directly, believable) with when our switch is 'Off' - then we will be less sensitive, less open, receptive. To go from 'On' to 'Off' is a big change, and I think the contrast should then be big as well - not that if 'Off' we'll miss something small like "the lightest rain," but that we may miss something big, like heavy rain.
My opinion...
Best,
Doug
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12/23/2016 9:17:58 PM
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Feedback appreciated. Constructive criticism okay,
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Micah, you ought to make a new topic/thread - Forum > Poetry Critique "Be Gentle" (if that's what you want) where it says, "new topic."
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12/24/2016 8:56:01 AM
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Doldrums - by - Bob Atkinson
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Bob, that certainly makes sense. Yeah - as with the deluge of fake news reports on Facebook. So many people are predisposed to eat them up. I will say that it works both ways - that the other half of the population has its blind spots too, that in reality "the people" have long been without control of our country; that in very large measure, our interests are not advanced, despite the lip service given to them by those who primarily only want our votes, while those politicians and the people with the real access to them continue on their merry way.
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12/24/2016 8:58:23 AM
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These Threes
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Okay - that's certainly fair enough.
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12/24/2016 9:10:41 AM
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One of my personal favorites, but not so with PS.
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Oh lord, what have I done?  Trey, you're already making great poems and winning/placing high in poetry contests.  I feel like I have to say, "Holy Crow, man, don't change yourself!" 
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12/27/2016 9:30:32 PM
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How do I...
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Patience, patience, keep at it....
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12/27/2016 9:31:30 PM
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Hello from Ontario, Canada!
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Welcome, Bruce. Good crowd, some really good poems now and again.
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12/30/2016 11:10:47 AM
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Get Questions Answered
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Ahmed, when you post or "Submit Poems" this is what the policy says:
"Adult or mature content is not allowed. This includes any images or content which contains:partial or full nudity (even if art or tastefully done), pornographic images, videos, or games, pornographic cartoons or anime (hentai/ecchi)"
I'm just a use of PoetrySoup like you, but I think your two lines are okay - they are not really "pornographic" at all.
edited by Doug Vinson on 12/30/2016
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12/30/2016 11:32:00 AM
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New to this site
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Hi Jude, welcome. I wonder how many people "have training" in poetry? Certainly, many do not. I would say a very large majority, and it's no problem at all. One thing that was a bit daunting for me was how many 'forms' there are. When you submit a poem, there is the box where you put the title, and then below that you select the 'Form.' There are 151 choices (unless I just miscounted). The first time I saw that, it was like, "Holy Crow...." My vast knowledge included iambic pentameter, quatrain, haiku, and that was about it. 
Ah well, one of the choices is "I do not know?" I will say that quite a few of the forms are of modern invention - poetry is certainly a living thing that includes people willing to experiment, try new stuff, and have fun.
Cheers,
Doug
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12/30/2016 12:23:33 PM
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So, This is Christmas
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Hi Terry. Not much criticism from me, here - excellent poem. Just one tiny thing - at the very beginning, the "I" for "Part 1" rather makes it look like the first sentence is, "I slip my hand into yours and let me walk with you." That's how I read it, anyway. Maybe just some different formatting - a double-space after that "I" or something else to set it more apart from the text - would prevent this. I do see that you capitalized the "S" in "Slip," so I can hardly be critical at all, and then later there is the "II" for the second part; all is certainly clear at that point.
Being American, I love the part about the old folks snoozing and "waking only for the Queen's speech and to check what's been laid out for tea." It's endearing, but not immediately familiar to us who live without those customs - it adds interest.
I am not religious, per se, but in the second part, "a world I was born to die for on this day," still affected me - that is a profound sentiment. To what extent are we really "our brother's keeper"? Your poem shows the huge differences that exist between many of our lives, and a major disconnect that is part of the human condition. Very well done!
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12/30/2016 1:36:02 PM
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Doldrums - by - Bob Atkinson
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Bob, there is discussion of poems as poetry, and then there are political discussions. I guess this is the best place for the latter on this website, given PoetrySoup's policy on normal commenting.
I fully agree that a lot of opinion is presented as "news." When it comes to things going over people's heads, I think there are greater realities at work that affect the equation, i.e. it's not just half the people that are "drinking the cool aide" - it's the great majority that drink it, to varying degrees, from one source or another. Our system boils down to two sides, and most of us lean one way or the other, and are vulnerable to stuff that is slanted in the same direction.
On the "greater realities" - how much does it really matter who wins the Presidential election? I remember people whining, moaning, really cryin' the blues when G.W. Bush won, celebrities talking about leaving the country... Then Obama got in, and he was literally "The Antichrist" according to a good many people of a fundamentalist bent. Now, the hand-wringing over Bush is pervasive, to say the least. Yet, when all is said and done, how much difference would it really have made had Obama been beaten by Romney, or by McCain, had Kerry or Gore beaten G.W. Bush, had Dole beaten Bill Clinton, had Dukakis beaten H.W. Bush, etc.?
I don't think it's much at all difference, for the vast majority of us. The federal gov't is first and foremost focused on maintaining it's own prestige and power, and where, really, will the "good of the people" appear, in the grand scheme of things, regardless of which party is in the White House?
Trump is certainly an outlier, looking back several decades, and I think he presents more opportunity for at least shaking things up, but here too - four or eight years from now, how different will things be compared to how they'd be if Hillary had won?
My opinion - far less than what many people are feeling like, now.
Cheers, Doug
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1/2/2017 3:06:59 PM
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The Good Citizen's Creed
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Nicely done, Carolyn. Consistently bleak, and indeed - there are always forces more than willing to use the masses. I don't have any criticism for your poem, but I can see many differing individual responses to it as we read, just as we go through life in a variety of modes.
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1/2/2017 3:08:28 PM
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Hello World
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Hi Carolyn. Welcome. That's a good way to do it - "Hello World."
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