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9/5/2017 2:04:30 AM
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Hi, new to forums
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hi everyone
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9/5/2017 4:47:27 AM
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PEASANTS WITH PLEASANT RAGS
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great topic/ point of view. lovely refrain.
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9/5/2017 12:37:05 PM
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Is this any good?
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you could rewrite like you suggest.
there's nothing wrong exploring.
it may be best to set your sights
to works you find informing.
if you attempt a draft or two
and think it isn't good,
discard the new without contempt
and keep it as you would.
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9/5/2017 1:47:07 PM
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An Epitaph
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This isn't an epitaph
An epitaph would be like:
They buried her by the train,
still waiting for her father.
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9/5/2017 2:25:55 PM
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I see a girl
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your voice has a very grounded, straightforward, realworld quality. i think that's very strong.
the emotion in your poem is very restrained and not overtly sentimental, nor is it stated explicitly. i think that's very strong.
you allow the scene to be what it is instead of trying to sugar it up or make it over the top or larger than life. i think that confidence in the human experience to speak for itself is very strong.
i like that the poem has an arc, the character discovers something/ changes. i love how this change coincides with the emotional climax of the poem, and love even more that the discovery of confidence occurs in the midst of not getting what he wants.
i think this idea that we can meet life on its terms and still grow and be whole (instead of recoil from life when disappointed) is a very powerful poetic thought that affirms life and has the potential to truly give something valuable to the reader.
i feel like it needs to be developed more, but I'm not sure how. i don't think the poem needs to be changed conceptually, nor do i think the voice needs to change, but i wish the volume was just a click or two higher (but maintaining the subtle, not saying it overtly).
well done.
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9/6/2017 2:05:37 AM
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APOCALYPSE - Please be brutal
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Hey Sean. Thanks for allowing me to critique your poem. i hope something i say may be useful somehow. my response will be long, but i hope your patience and good faith will meet mine and yours will be well rewarded. If my comments are of no use, i thank you for the opportunity just the same.
If you wish to do major revisions (if not skip to the next section):
I feel you either need to change the title or rewrite the work completely. The reason i say this is technical in nature, and not a dislike of the poem. I do not feel the work captures the feeling of an apocalypse.
The octet is very light and cheerful, almost romantic, idyllic, spiritual, or whimsical. While this is good to set up the volta and contrast with the sestet, it is not apocalyptic.
The volta is clear. However, the sestet likewise fails to capture the feeling on an apocalypse. The closest we come to a description of an apocalypse is the line "Yet, blooms decay and autumns fade away..." Blooms decaying is an everyday occurrence; Autumns fading away is a yearly occurance. Neither communicate the sense that the world has ended with some sort of finality or has been destroyed.
In an apocalypse do blooms fade away, or... are the only flowers left peonies of burning ash? Do the autumns fade away, or are there no more Autumns left to come, and instead only endless nuclear winter? Let the apocalypse be real. Even despair and destruction can be melancholy-beautiful. Don't be afraid of it.
I think, if you rewrite, the volta must be flipped. The octet must fiercely capture the destruction, the desolation, the annihilation. The volta must introduce your theme of hope and the power of the mystic to make new life from hope itself. The more powerful your description of the devastation, the more wondrous it will be when the impossibility of new life comes true.
Another thing to consider if you rewrite is, your meter is extremely dense. your lines frequently use spondees, and you only have two lines (the couplet) that only have 5 stresses per line each. This isn't a problem necessarily, but it is something simply to consider. Many of your spondees are back to back and the lines simply swell up with loaded syllables. The ear instinctively imposes an iambic pattern where it can, but this is the work of the ear and not the art of the author. Regular meter can be very dull, so its good to turn the verse to make it lively or expressive, but it almost feels like there was a battle with the meter and a desire to impose the will of the author upon the meter. some of it is unavoidable.
Your best used spondee is the end of stanza 3 "Till then,..." this is very excellent, especially will your smart choice to finish the previous phrase short instead of using the whole line. The phrase break plus the duh-duh of the spondee in "Till then..." very audibly and artfully announces you are finishing the main thought and moving into the conclusion of the poem. very well done.
if you wish only light revisions:
if you wish to simply polish the poem as is, my suggestions are mainly grammatical in nature.
the first stanza is essentially one sentence, BUT there is no subject. "...balloon rise..." is part of adverbial phrase beginning with "When..." When means means that the balloon rising is occuring simultaneously to the action occurring in the predicate. The true verb of the sentence is "reminds", however the subject is not stated nor is the person who is being reminded.
(also, the balloon image is thematically inconsistent with mystics, fairies and nature. My suggestion is to think of something from nature capabale of going hih, low, across the world, and that posseses many colors, and has some connection to music - perhaps a bird?)
in the second stanza you use the term "glad grace"
. I'm not familiar with this term. it feels a bit unnatural (another spondee!). If you're going to stick with it, my suggest to invoke the kenning structure of old english and use a hyphen to make it one conceptual unit: glad-grace. It won't make it clearer perhaps, but it will give it a literary nail to hang its hat on at least.
my final comment is about your use of inverted syntax, or rather "inversions." This seems to happen when there is a struggle with the meter or forcing a rhyme scheme to work.
Inversion make things more difficult to read, and can even rob a line of its power.
for instance: "for each of us with our own hopes is born"
is really saying - for each of us is born with our own hopes. The latter phrasing is much more simply understood, however then the rhyme scheme changes.
also: "as noble vigour our life path adorn."
is much more simply understood as - as noble vigour adorns* our life path. but, again the rhyme scheme changes.
rhyme schemea can be very demanding. it is my opinion that natural phrasing shpuld not be abandoned to force a rhyme to work. my suggestion is to first write a natural phrase, then make a word bank of rhymes for the end word, then think creatively about what you can say naturally that ends with the rhyme. sometimes this means abandoning your original phrase. sometimes you discover a new thought that was even better!
For example, your couplet. The first line of the couplet isn't technically inverted, however i think the line misses the two most poetic words to place at the beginning and end of the line:
"Till then,// the mystic stands alone atop the hill..."
i think "alone" and "stands" are your two most powerful words in the line, but they are hidden in the middle! what about:
Till then,// alone atop the hill, the mystic stands...
it places the emotional content "alone" at the front, and its counterpoint "stands" at the end. He's alone, but you can feel how strong he is still standing inspite of the fact. Beginning with "the mystic" and ending with "the hill" just kind of leaves him standing there as the blossoms fade - you don't get a sense of his power, just sort of watching it happen. The pause at the end of the line after "stands" nails his feet to the ground; he's not going anywhere, apocalypse or no.
this does change the rhyme scheme, and the second line would have to change. my suggestion is to rhyme "stands" witg "hands". your couplet is about the power to make tomorrow happen. tomorrow is in the mystic's hands. that is the poetic thought of your couplet - to MAKE.
...Till then,
atop the hill, the mystic stands
to make tomorrow.....hands
conclusion
thank you for your patience and good faith. i hope I've said something useful, and nothing offensive. Again, thank you for sharing your poem.
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9/6/2017 5:56:52 PM
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Sentimental Trash - OUR NEW HOME
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Hey Kevin. I like your poem. It has a strong nostalgic core. I think the way it illustrates the human significance of the stadium, the team and the sport and contrasts it with the impact vanity and greed impose upon the speaker is a really solid and powerful poetic foundation.
Id like to offer suggestions for consideration.
your poem vibrates with the natural emotion of the situation and experience of the speaker. I would remove the line about the rainbow, the phrase "feeling sad", and the word "forlon." The rainbow line unnecesarily sugars up the start of the poem - the beauty of the stadium is best captured in the phrasing you use to express the memories and the speaker's relationship to the time at the stadium; if you make us feel the rainbow, it doesnt need to be shown. The phrase "feeling sad" is unnecessary, because it is clear from they way you write the poem is speaker is experiencing grief; we already feel it, which is more sophisticated than telling us. Removing the rainbow line and "feeling sad" will help keep the poem from being "sentimental" without sacrificing the genuine sentiment. The word forlorn feels somewhat unusual and out of place in your wonderfully contemporary poem.
i think the first stanza should very clearly ground the speaker at the stadium, looking at how it is presently, a very concrete and solid description. i think the first and second lines of stanza 3 might be a good seed for the opening stanza - the speaker is at the stadium, everyone is gone, things in disarray, THEN he begins to remember back - into stanza 2.
I love especially stanza 5 as it strongly contrasts the vitality and freedom of the memories with the colorless step up in life, if it can be called that
I think stanza 5 would be even stronger if it was written as the speaker looking forward, in future present tense. "our house will be... the executives will..." using future present leaves the speaker and the reader at the stadium as the speaker looks into the future. when you say "our house is... the executives drink..." in present tense, it takes the reader to different places instead of remaining grounded at the stadium. Keeping the reader at the stadium, not letting them leave the stadium until the speaker does allows the emotion to remain contained within the walls of the stadium and be released all at once when the speaker and reader leave together.
Also, i would remove the line "lacks the emotion" as it is also an overt statement of emotion (or lack of emotion). I think it could be replaced with something clever like - one of the team colors is claret - claret is a color, bit it is also a wine; this could be cleverly juxtaposed with the champaign which is colorless and full of air. If you can allow the claret to stand as the color, the emotion, and the wine, if you describe it as being bottled up, corked, restrained somehow, or kept in a dark cellar and compare this to everyone celebrating with something that has no color, i tink you could strongly capture what you are getting at, both thematically of the imposing culture of affluence and being devoid of feeling, or that passion being not allowed or tightly controlled.
my last suggestion is for stanza 6.
i would remove the first line entirely and simply make stanza 6 three lines:
Rich men have stolen my dreams,
my Claret and Amber days,
as I say goodbye to my team.
I hope some of my suggestions are useful. I enjoyed your poem very much. Thank you for sharing and giving me the opportunity to critique su h a meaningful poem.
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9/7/2017 1:13:27 AM
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My first poem, should it be my last?
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unless you intend your post to stand as the poem, you've forgotten post the poem or provide a link to it.
if the post IS the poem, its a clever concept, but it doesn't add to my human experience or cause me to reflect on the human experience through prosody or figurative language.
no, it should not be your last. poems are like breaths. you never ask if there should be another, just keep on going, shallow or deep, deliberate or distracted, wakeful or dreaming, you just keep doing it, and it gives you life.
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9/7/2017 11:14:34 AM
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Opinion Advic plz: What You Ar What You Mean to Me
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the structure is fine. the free verse meter has a natural flow. the rhyme scheme works and isn't overpowering. it's clear you've spent time on it and given it quite a lot of thought.
your work has a strong voice and a palpable presence. it definitely houses and keeps the spirit of the author.
however, I think your work would be better described as a song, not a poem. None of the lines use metaphors or similes (except maybe one). the lines do not use sensory detail to communicate emotional content. All of the lines are explaining or declaring something.
the closest we come to figurative language in the work is "love-blossom", and "dousing my fire." (i actually like these phrases). The song is proclaiming things (mainly to the wife), but thinking back on the work there are no images, only thoughts and a feeling. While it is an effective song, i just don't believe it to be a poem.
As a song, there are many beautiful things about it. Its very clear the song cherishes the wife and wants to give something meaningful back to her, and it is very clear tremendous thought and consideration has gone into it. While i dont believe to be a poem, there is a tiny flicker of Rumi in it somewhere. i imagine the author's wife will be very pleased with it.
however, the reader is not the author's wife. It is unclear to me if the work is intended only for the author's wife, or if it is intended to be shared with a public audience. most of the poem seems to addressed to the wife, but other portions seem to be making a speech to someone else. It seems like two different works in one. A love song to the wife and a speech to the public.
the song feels like the speaker intends to hold up his relationship with his wife as an example for others. This makes me uncomfortable. others might not be uncomfortable. i can only speak for myself.
the song is almost as if the author wishes to tell others how to live or behave, and the song to the wife is a device to make a speech to others. while the behaviors are not objectionable, necessarily, i cant help but feel there is an element of conceit. Maybe i am misreading the song.
The song is lovely. Like holding a flower to one's face, but a cricket leaping from its heart and landing on the nose. Some may not mind. Others may drop the flower.
Thank you for sharing. I hope my comments are useful. I apologize if I've said anything offensive.
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9/7/2017 12:30:56 PM
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THE FEWLY APPRECIATED
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i think this site has a lot of new/ inexperienced poets that may feel uncomfortable critiquing others work, either because they don't know what to say that would make it better, or they lack confidence to make an honest criticism.
i think at the other end there are very experienced poets that look at some poems that are so uninitiated that they don't even know where to start, or feel that leaving any comment at all would only be met with hurt feelings. What does one say when everything must be fixed?
then in the middle are the poems that are just fine as they are. not fantastic, not horrible, but enjoyable.
the problem with inexperienced poets not critiquing is that they never learn to exercise the ability to analyse a poem - what they think works, what they think doesn't work, and why - not necessarily what they like and dont like, but the actual craft and technique that accomplishes (or doesn't accomplish something). Does the poem make you feel happy? why? Does it make you feel sad? Why? Can you feel sunlight even though the poet never says anything about sunlight? How? Don't know? imagine the different ways the author could have said the same information, and see how the feeling changes:
he put the flower to his nose.
the man lifted the peony and savoured its scent.
he shoved his nose into the flower, breaking the tender petals as his hairy nostrils stole their sweetness.
His head fell. The shadow of his face slipped into the petals, and was lost.
He craddled the flower, the edges of its petals gathered around the heart of a dense galaxy, and inhaled.
in all four the man is smelling the flower. each has a different feeling.
in a five examples the man is smelling the flower. the feeling is how its said. if an inexperienced poet feels something, they shouldn't be afraid to say what, and why, or examine why. "i don't know why, but your poem makes me feel happy. maybe its jow you describe..." or "i know i should feel .... when you said... but im not sure why i don't. what if you said..." i think those are easy and fair critiques even for someone new to poetry to make.
the problem with experienced poets being too proud to read begginers poems and to give feedback is because the values of mature poetry aren't passed down and you end up with inexperienced poets reinforcing ineffective poetry. its not terribly hard to make some people feel something. hallmark cards do it everyday. but, to do it with maturity and sophistication requires both a willingness to be critiqued AND the willingness of experienced poets to help inform and educate inatead of whining about their delicate pallettes.
to say "they just don't get it..." may be true, but to just walk away and not at least give somewhere to start just ensures inexperienced poets will turn to other inexperienced poets for guidance and affirmation instead the poetic language being passed on.
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9/7/2017 5:17:30 PM
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Tasting Desertion
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the poem is very focused, very direct. the mood is in sharp focus.
it's not clear to me how the poem is intended to add to the reader's human experience.
the language is very successful in creating a palpable poetic space and using both concrete language and figurative language to convey the sensations of the emotion - the part about oozing in the throat is extremely strong and visceral. It is well executed.
While it is successful writing in that sense, i don't get the sense that the audience was considered when the poem was written.
A poem is an invitation for the reader to enter the space of the poem and to experience it, not as the author experiences it, but as the object that the poem acts upon.
The space of the poem is somewhat unpleasent to experience - while the oozing throat is very effective writing, and brilliantly intuited as being a precise description to convey the feeling, it is not necessarily a sensation I as the reader want to experience. If the poem added to my human experience somehow, then it would have some merit to indulge that experience, but I don't understand what reason there is to want to share that experience with the poem. I'm just left with an oozing throat. Hopefully an oozing throat is not the only thing the poem wishes to give the reader?
Poems written in second person are tricky i think. At first i thought you were addressing the reader, then i felt like i was reading a poem intended for the subject of the poem. As a reader i started to feel like a third wheel.
your voice is wonderfully strong, and i think you have a talent for visceral language and instantly translating emotion into sensation and images. I enjoyed this aspect of your writing very much as an observer of the poem, rather than the person occupying the space of the poem (i hope that makes sense)
I hope my feedback is helpful somehow. your writing is very strong.
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9/7/2017 5:21:11 PM
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Tasting Desertion
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oops! DIRECT ADDRESS*, not second person (though they both are awkward for poems i think)
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9/9/2017 1:54:35 AM
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Brian Strand...I'm your huckleberry.
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I think you have alot to say
and write to help mankind.
Although the senses say things best,
they're absent in your lines.
While poems may express a thought,
or better yet a feeling,
I think it often, more than not,
is spirit needs the healing.
I see this wisdom in your work,
the want to mend the world.
I think the senses say things best
and make the will unfurl.
Inviting all the senses in,
like sight, and sound, and rhyme,
creates a thought that deeply speaks
beyond the thoughtless mind.
These motions are a culmination
of all our motivations.
emotions are our motivations
and sensual revelations.
I think, perhaps, you could explore
another draft or two,
depicting scenes that juxtapose
what greed and kindness do.
I feel the senses say things best,
although your thoughts are sound,
but in the senses readers find
the feeling to be found.
I hope these words contain some truth
and nothing that offends.
I'm really glad you shared your work,
and here my rhyming ends.
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9/9/2017 3:35:18 AM
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Wavedance..Id love your feedback
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Is this an attempt at trance poetry?
if it is, you should put a notice at the beginning of the poem so the reader is informed, just as a curtesy.
as far as the work goes, i was too busy stumbling over the words, description, meter to be lulled or disarmed by it.
also, you should be careful when you use a refrain twice in a row like that. the mind usually reads it literally the first time, then assumes there's a different meaning the second time and goes looking for more figurative interpretations. not sure what "salty waves" was intended to mean, but the second utterance was undesirable to me.
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9/9/2017 2:02:23 PM
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Pandemonium, On Fire
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I like the idea behind this poem.
Its unclear if its using the scene as a metaphor for a personal experience, or if its a tableau that readers may simply relate to.
There are some potentially fun things you could do with the meter. The past perfect tense "have jumped" doesn't really fit with the present tense of the rest of the poem. I suppose technically it could be allowed, but it robs the poem of the energy of the scene by declaring it is finished. If it were simply "jump" it includes the energy of the jumping ship as part of the present chaos:
Pan-pan, the demons have jumped
--->
Pan-pan, the demons jump
changing the tense also takes away the sluggish sound of the -ed at the end which masks the bright freshness of ending the line on the p - the demons are left in mid-air at the end of the line and hang. Removing "have" also tightens the pace of the line by removing a syllable - the energy is in the verb, the line break, and the meter. "Have" adds an extra step the ear must take before getting to the verb and end of the line, it slows it down (which could be necessary for a line of different quality, but not this one) Lexically it is a stressed syllable, and moraically its a heavy syllable - both add sonic heft which weighs down a line that could spring.
Interestingly, once you take out "have", the meter of the following line is inversely symmetrical:
the demons jump. - x - x
smoke engulfing. x - x -
this sort of turn of verse has the potential to be musical. However, to make the most of it, it would be best to begin the second line with another spondee, as in the first line. This repitition of the spondee will tell the ear to expect a metric repitition of the first line, which is given, but then the surprise of the inverted meter. This means you'd have to take out the word "on". On slows down and weighs down the phrase both because of being an extra syllable, a lexical stress, and a moraically heavy syllable.
Obviously "ship fire" won't do. Something like "mast burnt" might. It repeats the spondee of the first line, as well as bears the same moraic pattern of "pan-pan" (two heavy syllables), AND 'mast burnt' both end on the same consonant, just as "pan-pan' does.
together it would be:
Pan-pan, the demons jump,
mast burnt, smoke engulfing
I think the musical quality is audible. Very regular/ symmetric meter, same number of syllables each line, a turn in the meter, the energy tense, almost manic. This musical quality is not just for fun, but has purpose. It creates a sonic context for the following line:
It's Demonium in here.
which breaks the tightly constrained energy of the first two lines and releases it by breaking the form, expectation of the ear.
this sense can be emphasized further by tweaking. I would drop "in here". The spondee adds tension, but it shuts down the spreading quality at the end of "Demonium". Can you hear how -MONium sounds like its spreading, like a pile of something falling over and spreading on the floor? However, "it's Demonium" is weak in energy, so lets add back in two stressed syllables.
The first stressed syllable can be done simply by removing the contraction:
it's
-->
it is
Contractions are very casual. They're used frequently in common speach, so when they are broken apart it adds emphasis. It's hot vs. it is hot.
The second stressed syllable i think should be added back in is "pan". I'm not sure why you dropped it from pandemonium.
Pan-pan, the demons jump, x x - x - x
mast burnt, smoke engulfing. x x x - x -
It is pandemonium.... x x 'x - X - - ...
Preserving the syllable "pan" in the third line ties it back to the opening spondee. It gets extra emphasis as the ear connects it to the sound its heard before.
You could leave "in here" at the end. however, i think it depends on how you want to characterize the speaker. is the speaker gleeful at the chaos, or is it reeling and unsure how to process it? -- which goes back to my first comment about being unsure about if it were a metaphor for personal experience or a tableau of the fall. I think a demon would be gleeful, hence leave out "in here"; but, if it's a metaphor for a human experience of being unable to process a hellish experience, then leaving "in here" is more appropriate as it conveys the sense witnessing something the speaker is having trouble processing (in my opinion).
The rest of my suggestions use the same sort of examinations as above, however without knowing the intent of the poem they could tangeable make it a different poem/ convey a spirit or meaning the author does not intend, so i will leave my critique here.
i hope my suggestions are helpful. your poem is going to have me reading Milton today, thank you very much, and may even inspire me to attempt my own poem on it.
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9/9/2017 3:23:14 PM
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Opinion Advic plz: What You Ar What You Mean to Me
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the lines i find most beautiful are
You are peace through me flows as my eyes upon you rest,
You are speech when I have nothing to say,
You are warm infusions in my mind...
These lines are where I feel Rumi the most. I might even be able to imagine that they were written for Shams Tabriz.
They are so powerful because there is no attempt to conceal that the speaker is incomplete without the spirit and inspiration of the object of their devotion. The speaker is given life by the one they are singning of.
These lines do not proclaim "I am a good boy!" or bear the conceit of telling the wife "You feel this." These lines do not tell others "you should do this" or "things are like this."
These lines are a confession of joy instead of shame. These lines confess the smallness of the speaker and the vastness of that they love. These lines confess the joy of being made whole. That is beautiful.
The other lines have a different quality. Many of them proclaim "I am a good boy!", or say "You feel this." or "This is how things are." These lines are all, in truth, about the speaker, not the object of its love.
The line "you teach me lessons..." begins well, is about the object of ones love, but then it is suddenly turned into a line about the speaker "... that I teach others." It feels like the author is saying "See what a good boy i am!" This is not really about the object of his love, in my opinion.
Specifically, you mention bound duty. I think this is a mistake. You seem to contrast the bound duty with the love - the wife is bound by duty, she has to do things even if there is no love, just go through the motions, BUT the speaker is pleased because he knows her love isn't just duty. I think this is possibly trouble.
It may be true, but reminding someone they have to be your wife anyway just isn't romantic. This isn't the intent of the author, but speaking of the duty is a reminder still. Also, expressing that one is happy they are loved is about the speaker, not the object of the love. You don't have to love ME, but you love ME anyway.
The three lines I've posted at the top have the right spirit. They are about the wife. They express the fullness of life the wife gives. The joy of being loved is best captured in them, i think.
Does this make more sense?
These are just my feelings. Others may feel differently.
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9/9/2017 7:46:37 PM
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First Poem: Long term essence of a healthy life
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Many of the great classical poets wrote personal essay to formulate and express their thoughts, and then wrote poems to distill the spirit and emotion that inspired the thought, or that would pass on the muse of that thought to the reader, using sensual detail and prosody. The essay was to preserve their views, but the poem was written as a space for the reader alone, to experience the muse of the thought through the senses and emotion. The poets did not use poetry as a substitute for essay.
The thoughts and views expressed in this piece would be best preserved in personal essay.
There is no space in this work for the reader to lose themselves in an experience. The work, as it is presently, is a list of instructions, exhortations, and injunctions. It talks at the reader instead of providing them something they can experience for themselves through the senses and the sound of the poem.
The work, almost without exception, does not use figurative languagage such as metaphor or simile, nor sensory detail that is a vessel for emotional content, nor the prosody of meter, nor of rhyme (though the last isn't a requisite). The only device it makes its appeal to is use of line break, but without them the appearrance of being a poem collapses.
The poetic core of this work is the battle between denial/ disengagement and the vitality of being present in ones reality and the role pleasure plays in providing a space in which we feel safe to engage, and release pain. I think this is essentially the foundation of all poetry - the call to be present, awake, and engaged in the human experience. This is the bedrock of poetry itself, and is excellent.
The work mentions the natural world in passing. An effective poem might be describing a recovering addict taking a journey into nature and capturing the spirit of nature that benefits their mental health, not by stating such overtly but by creating lush descriptions of the natural world, and describing the inner and outer sensations the subject experiences. If the sensual and emotional content are captured well, and without editorial, the result may surely be the reader envying the time the subject of the poem spends in nature and the wish to go out and have a similar experience themselves.
I think many people turn to poetry to have an experience they are missing in their lives, an experience that opens their eyes. I don't know many people that turn to poetry to be told what is wrong with their lives, or what they should or should not do.
I think this work has lots of merit but should be rewritten in 3rd person as an experience of nature or something beautiful.
I think the author might greatly benefit from exploring the classical tandem of essay and poetry as part of their writing process to allow a vessel for their thoughts and then create a poetic space for the reader and the senses.
edited by superlativedeleted on 9/9/2017
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9/10/2017 12:10:43 PM
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Mystic Mist Marauders
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I think this could end up being a very good poem. If I've read it correctly, the image is ravens feeding on a dead animal/ corpse. This dynamic is rich with opportunities for expressing a poetic musing.
First, I'd decide what the muse is for the poem: is it the feeling of being helpless while one is exploited, fed upon; is it the idea that death is transformed into life; is it the idea that if no one wanted to do the dirty jobs in life, the world would be filled with decay and filth; is it simply the disquiet of death overtaking life, that it is inescapable? What musing do you want to illustrate with your ravens and mist?
You are at the door, but the true poem is on the otherside. I feel this work was written mainly as entertainment without having truly identified or focused on a musing about the nature of life or the human experience, but you've set yourself up well to explore deep musings!
I think your writing shows you are excited by the richness and sensuality of language. Sometimes when we are seduced by the sensual quality of language we just want to add more and more and more because its so exciting we just want to have ALL of it in there, even to the point of becoming unclear or overwhelming.
For example, your title could simply have been "An Unkindness" (a group of ravens is called an unkindness), which understates the brutality of the feeding, and sets the reader up to be caught off guard by the poem even though the title plainly announces what it is about, so it creates a moment of discovery as the mind realizes there is a different meaning (even if they don't know a group of ravens is called an unkindness, the artistry of the understatement is universal). Or, if you intended the birds to be crows, your title could simply have been "Murder in the Mist" (a group of crows is called a murder), which again both misdirects the reader while being perfectly plain. However, I believe i understand how you arrived at "Mystic Mist Marrauders" it repeats the syllable mïst twice, and all the words begin with M; mist sounds moody, and saying it is MYSTICAL mist just means its supposed to be that much more mysterious; marrauders adds that playful element of danger. Its meter even feels very clean as trochaic trimeter. Its a playful title intended to titilate and excite, but this this is sort of a heavy handed playfulness that might distract the author from more artful opportunities.
Similarly, the first stanza is loaded, and even after several readings the reader may only be able to guess what the author intends to say. Is it intended to be the birds looking down at the world?
The dense phrasing of the first stanza is compounded by how you use the words inundated, induced, addled, sable, and voyeur's.
at first when you use the word inundated i thought you meant a flood (do you mean the mist? inundate is a very heavy word for something as light as mist. mist may be visually dense, but it is not physically heavy); 'induced obscure' makes no sense to me, partly because it is not clear what is doing the inducing, and (i think) its a passive voice construction that is personifying "terra firma" as being a direct object capable of performing the act of self obscuration, and also that induced is followed by an adjective and not a verb confuses me (it might be clearer to say -... induced to obscure itself); again, addled personifies "terra firma" as possesing a mind or awareness that becomes addled; 'sable vision' makes no sense to me as vision isn't a physical thing that has texture (if you said -... the voyeur gazed through his sable - it still wouldnt be terribly clear, but it would be correct - I'm assuming you mean the very fine hairs around the eyes of the raven?); and, if you're intending that the flock of birds is what is watching, it would be better to say - voyeurs' (also I'm not sure why you've written the line 'neath voyeur's superficial gaze. It would be more metrically correct to just say - beneath the voyeurs' superficial gaze. Usually in verse, i think, when an unstressed syllable is dropped it is to preserve a regular meter - ...sitting beneath the tree ---> sitting 'neath the tree. So, I'm not sure why you're dropping be- and 'the' from the line.)
All in all, there are many clearer ways to express the first stanza - The mist rolled across the sabled gem of the raven's eye... - for example. Something like this captures in one line the gathering mist, the sensual detail of the eye, and makes clear at a poetic level the raven is watching...
I think perhaps one of the goals of the poem was to capture the sense that things are hidden in the mist, unclear. I think this a great artistic goal, but the reader needs something to hold onto while things are happening.
Depending on what musing you want to pursue...
I think you should rewrite the piece either from the point of view of the corpse, unable to move, the mist rolls in, it knows they're coming for it, or the raven. Using the point of view of the corpse creates a lot of opportunity for tension as the reader waits with the corpse, knows it will be eaten, but can't do anything about it.
BUT - such a grisely scene MUST have poetic core to justify the gore. The reader must feel they've realized or identified or understood something from the scene, not simply walk away with feelings and images that serve no purpose but shock value. But yes, writing from the point of view of the corpse could be very strong, and personifying it ensures a human element is present.
I hope my some of my suggestions are helpful. I would focus on conversational phrasing, clarity, and cultivating the poetic musing of the scene.
Good luck! Can't wait to see the next draft!
edited by superlativedeleted on 9/10/2017
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9/10/2017 12:52:12 PM
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I'm not really good but I wanna hear feedbacks
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Hi. I think you have a great start. "thoughts linger like a broken clock" is a very strong line - it uses a concrete detail to capture that time has stopped inside the speaker. It is very successful. You get how poetry works.
"whisper of memories/ heart's clinging to the past" is a great musing, but these lines tell instead of show.
Longing for love lost is a universal theme, but if its not expressed in an original or fresh way, with a genuine presence, it turns into a cliche.
It would be better for the first two lines to begin with the speaker making contact with a concrete detail - seeing something, touching something, smelling something, hearing something, tasting something, that triggers the looking back
Basil melted on my tongue.
My thoughts lingered like a broken clock
and turned back...
then tie the concrete detail to the memory or experience.
She sat across from me,
basil impaled on her fork.
She laughed as she put it in her mouth...
You won't need to tell us about the heart, or longing. You can capture it all with how you describe the concrere details.
All you need is to make it concrete instead of abstract. Your line about the clock already proves you know how to use concrete detail to express something intangible. you just need to do the same thing with the rest of the poem.
Good luck!
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9/10/2017 2:07:20 PM
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Enjoy! ....Or not. Your choice.
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playful.
not sure what the poetic musing is.
I don't think the line breaks successfully counterbalance the awkwardness of the words put together:
rivulet ripples melifluously surreptitiously lilt conflating into a demure lagoon.
you can remove the word lilt, and substitute it by creating lilt that is felt in the meter - if we feel it, you don't need to say it.
you're missing an article before rivulet. if you insist on not beginning with an article, make rivulet plural (if you're going to conflate something, you need more than one anyway).
Only conscious things can act surreptitiously. unless you're personifying the rivulet, it doesnt work, and its a mouthful coming right after mellifluously. Also, you might want to reconsider describing entering something demure by stealth...
I would suggest the revised version as
Melifluous,
rivulets ripple,
flowing into a demure lagoon.
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