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9/23/2016 3:02:14 PM
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Please help me edit/feedback on my poem!
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To me the poem seems a bit overwritten; many of the lines could be shortened or deleted all together, which I think would improve the flow. E.g.
I wasn't born with a silver spoon,
But was given the gift of life.
.....
But was given the gift of time
.....
But was given the gift of work
.....
But was given the gift of earning
My very own silver spoon
I.e., try to imply things to the reader rather than spelling them out explicitly.
edited by zaq12wsx on 9/23/2016
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9/23/2016 3:50:07 PM
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Help and tell me if it works
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I think the problem is with the rhyme scheme, in which almost every line rhymes on "day", which forces some lines into coming off as awkward, especially the first and second lines in the second stanza. The first line would read better if you broke your rhyme and wrote "All day the king and the cripple".
I would shorten some lines:
and must parry/the privileges thrown his way
among others.
The phrase "both citizens need sway" is unclear; do you mean "need to sway"? I.e. "be flexible"?
Why does the cripple "have cache"? Or "great scope"?
There should not be a comma after "stay" in the 1st stanza, since it's "stay upright". And the king is not a citizen, he's the king. Just write "both need to sway".
So basically I think you need to modify the rhyme scheme to something more flexible to avoid awkward lines and phrases.
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9/23/2016 5:31:49 PM
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My first Villanelle Poem... Help!
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Try using the active voice more: "My heart is weary and burns in pain".
Why does your broken heart "heals anew" just because it's dawn?
Try "As nightfall draws closer my heart cries in vain".
The repeated phase "I'm alone as I lay missing you" could be used to break the poem up into stanzas, making it easier to read, with that being the first line of the stanza.
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9/23/2016 11:10:05 PM
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Problems with poem's final stanza, ending.
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First, I would not put Free Will in quotes; I feel that that weakens the line and/or title.
More importantly, I don't find the argument presented in the poem convincing. For one, there is no "we" here; SOME people choose to be sheep and to follow authority, and some do not. But even then, that is something that they freely choose to do. The question of free will to me is whether our decisions are completely determined by our mental processes, memories, and/or inner desires. Did I really make a free choice to eat that bowl of ice cream? or was my choice determined by which was stronger, the desire to enjoy the ice cream or the desire to loss weight.
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9/25/2016 5:14:52 PM
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Honest Critique please.
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It's not clear to me why the narrator of the poem is going to revel with the gargoyles and to meet the king of hell if he's so afraid. The souls of the damned are usually dragged to hell by demons; they don't go there willingly as this narrator seems to be doing.
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9/25/2016 5:26:11 PM
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Feedback appreciated. Constructive criticism okay,
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Not clear to me why the narrator is worried about how near ARE the people if the car has now stopped. Do you mean how near they WERE to the car when it was in motion. And if so, why is the narrator STILL worried about that?
Also not clear to me is what the 3d line, first stanza means. Or why "other 2" is in quotes.
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10/30/2016 6:19:49 PM
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Some missing masterpieces!
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A bit off topic but I was surprised to see Muhammad Ali (???) listed as the 5th most famous modern poet in the list on this site. Nothing against Ali but, while he was famous, it was not because of his poetry (in my opinion).
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11/8/2016 2:58:32 AM
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SOS save my poem or drown it
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Junk it.
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5/17/2017 2:43:32 PM
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The Tell
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The Tell
The hill had stood on its plain for eons
between the mountains and the Sea,
Still, quiet, barren,
As the wind blew across it
And the stars shifted,
When a hunter
Eight thousand years ago
Saw the spring at its base
And lived for awhile on its summit
Then died.
Other people came and settled on the hill
And built a village,
And, after many years,
A small city,
And then, for unknown reasons, left.
Many more cities were built on the hill:
Walled cities that lived for a while
But were in their turn burnt and destroyed
By great armies from distant empires,
Or were simply abandoned.
Each destroyed city,
Each abandoned city
Left behind a layer of debris
Of collapsed buildings and toppled walls.
And so the hill grew.
But each time a new city
Was built atop the remains of the older ones
By new peoples
Drawn to the hill by its spring
And its promise of refuge.
Canaanite merchants, Hittite soldiers, Hebrew prophets,
Assyrian generals, Greek stone cutters,
Byzantines, Saracens, Crusaders;
Each in their time came
And left their imprint before passing on.
But there came a day
when the ground moved
And the spring dried up.
Then the people moved away,
And no one came to build there anymore.
And the wind blew across it
And the dust settled
And buried its streets and walls.
And once more
The hill stood still and quiet.
Until
Men and women from a distant university
Came to dig through its layers
To bring to light the ancient traces
Of the life that once lived there.
edited by zaq12wsx on 5/20/2017
edited by zaq12wsx on 5/20/2017
edited by zaq12wsx on 5/22/2017
edited by zaq12wsx on 5/25/2017
edited by zaq12wsx on 6/26/2017
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5/17/2017 4:32:47 PM
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One of my personal favorites, but not so with PS.
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Some comments and suggested edits:
Separate the title from the text so people don't think that's the first line.
Some of the lines would sound better if shortened and with fewer adjectives:
"Atop a skeletal heap of unfathomed numbers"
"Like the despair that guards my core"
"My worry and anxiety continue to ramify" --awkward
"The imprisoned kraken waits with patience"
"Beneath the bedrock and foundations"
"The primeval serpent slithers around the apple of my eye"
Huh?? What does "apple of my eye" mean here?
"As my vigor wanes and my dread intensifies"--- somewhat awkward.
"I reach for Excalibur, I reach for Mjolnir, I reach for Moses' Rod;
I summon the power that comes only from God.
I wrestle my demons, I fight my fiends, I clash with my foes,
And reclaim from them all of my hard-won repose."
Finally I would not put quotes around "golden age" in the last line.
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5/17/2017 4:55:50 PM
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How do you feel? Please help.
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Yes, "we" should be "us", and it should be "touched", to agree with "released", but I think "to cool" and "to relieve" are okay: "..touched...to cool...to relieve", meaning "touched with the intention of cooling" etc.
"Soften" should be either "softened" to agree with "released", or changed to "to soften". Also "returning" doesn't look like the right tense; maybe "return to the ground".
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5/18/2017 1:40:50 PM
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Scope of improvement??
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Really nice, but some lines are sort of awkward, others are unclear or a bit long. Hope you don't mind but here's how I would rewrite it:
There's a question, most difficult, yet needs be asked.
There’s a me somewhere inside, secluded and masked.
For I have a face that like others I never show;
It shows all of my fears, hidden deep down below.
Wondering if it will ever be found,
Or if it’s better not, and to remain safe and sound.
The only risk of being alive is to die.
To say ‘hello’ is to risk another 'goodbye!'
All days won't be sunny as are these present days.
At times I'll be weak; I'll fall down in so many ways.
‘Twould be not the end, but still afraid of letting you go.
Losing you, I cannot even imagine, this I let you know. (awkward)
Even in darkness, I promise I’ll be your light.
For you I'll face come-what-may, with all of my might.
All I endeavour(?) is to see you smile and I be the reason.
The life your smile radiates has no comparison. (awkward)
(‘endeavour’ means “to try”; you probably mean something like “want” here.)
Rejection, I fear not, Acceptance, I do, of my dark side.
('dark side' is stronger than 'darker side')
There are some scars inside me that I cannot hide.
Would you extend your hand (to me?) as I sit in my corner?
Would you be frightened to take my mask off, about which I said earlier? (awkward last phrase)
Would you enlighten the dark side of me, as I do yours?
Would you love me, as I do you, forevermore?
edited by zaq12wsx on 5/22/2017
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5/18/2017 11:46:40 PM
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The Tell
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Elle Meadow: Thank you for your comments. I agree that it's a good idea to delete unnecessary words. However the 'feel' of your version isn't what I was trying for. Your version reads almost like a newspaper account, while I was trying for the feel of the slow passage of time and of events in the past that were separated by large expanses of time, written in almost a "biblical" tone (hence the And's).
1st and 2nd stanza: The hill is not standing between any mountains and any sea, but between THE mountains and THE Sea (i.e. the Mediterranean Sea). I used "The hill", "the mountains", "the Sea" to convey a sense of permanence; i.e. the hill, mountains and sea are the ones that are still there in the present time.
"The hill HAD stood ... When a hunter.." describes the 'state' of the hill when the hunter arrived.
"And lived for awhile on its summit/ Then died" I think conveys better that these two events are separated in time, an undetermined but possibly a long time.
3rd and 9th stanzas: I put the 'and's there to try for a biblical tone, and for a (hopefully) poetic repetition.
4th stanza: The 'were' in 3rd and 5th lines are for the passive voice; the cities were burnt and were abandoned.
6th stanza: Again, the 'was' in the 2nd line is for the passive voice, (the city didn't built itself).
8th stanza: Your version presents these 4 events as unrelated, coincidental events, but the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th are all the result of the 1st, the earthquake.
I agree 'ever' and 'again' are redundant, and I might edit this, but I used both words for emphasis.
I don't agree that there isn't a good story here. It's basically a very condensed version of Michener's novel "The Source", one of my favorite books that I read decades ago. The 'story' is the passage of time and of history and of the lives of some of the unknown people that lived before us.
But again thank you for your comments and for taking the time. I will consider them further.
edited by zaq12wsx on 5/18/2017
edited by zaq12wsx on 5/18/2017
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5/19/2017 8:50:12 PM
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The Tell
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J-Mag Guthrie: Thank you for comments.
Generally, my perhaps excessive use of and's and of propositions is an attempt to create a biblical or archaic feeling, and to slow the reading down by creating pauses between lines in order to reflect the slow passage of time.
1st stanza: The hill is the main character of the poem, so I think it's better to introduce it in the first line. Also the next three lines go together in telling something about the hill. I agree that the last line is a bit of a cliche, so I'll think about that.
2nd stanza: The phrase "returning from a hunt" is probably unnecessary. But the fact that he was the first to live on the hill is implied from the 1st stanza, so there's no need to state that explicitly. Also I want to keep five lines in each stanza for uniformity.
7th stanza: I did think of continuing with the descriptors, but I ran out of 'whats'. But then I felt that omitting more whats in the 3rd line had the effect of speeding up the reading of the list; the particular 'whats' in the first two lines seemed sort of interesting, but continuing them then seemed to be a drag.
I'll consider your other points.
Note added: As you suggested, I did change 'life' to 'people', but then I felt that 'people' was getting overused a bit, since I had used it 3 times before. So I changed it back to 'life' just for variety.
edited by zaq12wsx on 5/20/2017
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5/23/2017 2:39:06 PM
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Mist by Felicia Jarvis
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The 2nd line is a bit awkward. "Dew" is defined as "tiny drops of water that form on cool surfaces at night", so I don't think "dews" is a word. How about "The plants breathe tiny dewdrops"?
You might want to make the 1st and 2nd lines one sentence, with a semicolon after the 1st line.
I think the 3rd, 4th and 5th lines are too long compared with the first two, so you might want to break each of these lines into two lines.
You might want to begin the 3rd line with something like "So mist is born.." to continue the theme of the first two lines.
"Blended" should be "blend" to match the present tenses of the previous lines.
5th line: "The dew dies after.."
6th line: "return" should be "returns". How about "The mist finally returns to the ground,/ To the place to which I was led."
edited by zaq12wsx on 5/23/2017
edited by zaq12wsx on 5/23/2017
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6/7/2017 12:53:49 AM
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My Poem On Colonialism& Hope Remains My Best2Date
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It's hard to evaluate the poem because it's very difficult to read with all the lines run together like that.
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6/11/2017 5:55:50 PM
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Please tear my poem about my bulimia apart
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The main problem I have with the poem is that it offers no hint to the reader as to why the person in the poem does what she does.
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6/11/2017 10:58:20 PM
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Please tear my poem about my bulimia apart
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Well then, maybe an acknowledgment in the poem that 'you' don't know why you do this. I think the poem should offer some insight to the reader into the mind of a bulimic. Otherwise it comes off as just whining, and the response from the reader when the poem says "it hurts when I do this" might be just 'then don't do that!"
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6/19/2017 2:26:01 PM
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Any comments are welcomed
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I think a problem with this poem is that there is no development in it as you go from the first stanza to the third; the 2nd and 3rd stanzas say basically the same thing as the first, just using different metaphors. They don't give the reader any insight into the source of this pain.
Also, 'lost in a sea of despair' is sort of a cliche.
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6/20/2017 12:50:30 PM
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FAMILY MAN
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Minor point: You have commas where you should have apostrophes;
don,t -> don't, haven,t -> haven't, didn,t -> didn't, I,ve -> I've.
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