Poetry Forum

jonbest - all messages by user

5/15/2016 4:45:30 AM
On Two Old Characters at the Bus Stop	I like this a lot. It's a cool subject matter with an endless source of inspiration, as it just takes a little bit of overheard conversation. The ending is nice, too, comparing the people at the stop to the wandering pigeons poking around for bread crumbs. The only thing that threw me a tiny but was the irregular rhyming, but I think that's more to do with this style being different to what I'm used to, than any actual problem with the piece.
5/15/2016 8:31:18 AM
Joyous Arrival of Winter	I was just about to suggest some punctuation, and then i continued reading and saw your note underneath :P So skipping that point, there is just one thing that stood out to me and I would suggest maybe a slight rewording. It was the using of "as once again" on two of the lines. I would try maybe; "for, once again darkness" or perhaps "for, once again I can venture outside." "as now I can venture outside." "Once more I can venture outside." Etc. I just feel that in a poem this short, there is no need to reuse the same phrase. Hope I helped
5/15/2016 8:39:14 AM
communication ( im new how is this poem)	hey there, I like your poem. I don't feel qualified enough to say too much about it as its a style that I'm not too familiar with, however I felt that the tense was a little bit off, near the end. I wonder if you perhaps meant: 'Have just never BEGUN Communication.' As opposed to 'began'. edited by jonbest on 5/15/2016
5/15/2016 9:05:28 AM
Honest Critique please.	Very cool, I liked this a lot. I suppose this is similar to the previous suggestion, but there were a few lines that felt that they could be shortened by a syllable or two, just so that it flowed a little smoother. I don't think it needs much at all though, here is my quick rewrite of stanza two: Through mist and morbid mire I went To where the gargoyles dwell- A guest whose soul was spent to meet The host - The king of hell! Best of luck
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