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2/25/2017 2:01:35 PM
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The Navy Pilot's Lover
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Sitting on the rooftop, wavy hair billowing
In the wicked wind, fluttering away like herself
She clasps to her neck the silvery heart-locket
Before looking down from her shady alcove
She has no more time to waste, and, deciding a decided decision,
Tumbles through the sky...
_
When she was younger, she always looked to the sky
A source of inspiration, like the flags billowing
Patriotic she was for countries not hers, patriotic her decision
To go to the celebration of another land, that day of herself
There, in the shadows, she found an alcove
In the young boy who later gave her the heart-locket.
The boy, while certainly not a looker, was perfect for her, like the heart-locket
The reckless one, always wanting to fly for his country, a Navy pilot, up in the sky
And maybe that's why she chose him as the perfect alcove
For when premature death sealed his lips, only the flag knew her story, billowing
Its tragic tale into the world, mixing with the song of herself
That only she knew. That, at least, was her decision.
Despite the many voices, she made her own decision
And visited his coffin the day of his funeral, the heart-locket
Reflecting the pilot's face for the final time, he dropped out of the sky.
Had no reason to die. They found the body. A miracle for her and only herself.
The grey tombstone where she lived, the flag he died for above their heads, billowing,
Etched with his name in the color of death. Her alcove...
_
The funeral procession proceeds, though they all try to crack smiles. They visit her alcove,
The gravestone of a young boy so foolish to die. But really it was his decision.
The ominous flag like her hair that fateful night, billowing
With another life captured, preserved only in the heart-locket
Capturing the essence of what it meant for them to fly. The ground and the sky
Still encircling her neck, it sang her song, unsung except in the darkest nights, for herself.
Now there is no such thing as herself,
Only her cadaver, lying in its plot next to his, in the final alcove
She found before falling from the sky.
Just like him, that young boy, his eyes sparkling with his dream and his decision
To fly above the waves with her and the glitter of her heart-locket,
The flag he served forever in the air, billowing.
“Still capturing the essence of the sky, her waves of hair billowing
Remind us that she is lost forever. She could not live for herself, and her final decision
Reflects the alcove of the gravestones and the spark in the heart-locket.”
edited by bluebunn84ppg on 2/25/2017
edited by bluebunn84ppg on 2/25/2017
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2/25/2017 2:02:20 PM
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The Navy Pilot's Lover
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I've posted this on the Soup too, I just wanted to see what you forum-ers thought...
Lemme start working the format now, it wonked up.
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2/25/2017 2:13:09 PM
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Thank You!
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You got a first-placer on your first contest?
I've entered so many and my best was 2nd...
No hard feelings, though. I wish you luck in your next contest. Remember to write. ~Blue
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2/25/2017 7:10:50 PM
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Thank You!
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Hey, three contests, two placings... Better than my record.
And I think one reason that everyone's so kind here is that the community is so tight-knit. It's honestly like Six Degrees of Andrea Dietrich... XD
Thanks for reading my poetry! And anytime for the compliments. I've read the winner... Wow, great job! Can't compete with that.
Remember to write. ~Blue
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2/25/2017 7:43:16 PM
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The Navy Pilot's Lover
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I'm looking for constructive criticism, but not too harsh.
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2/26/2017 7:41:52 AM
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The Navy Pilot's Lover
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Can anyone critique this?
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2/26/2017 7:07:35 PM
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A mistake
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Wow. It's a great stand-alone, but I think it would work better as a refrain in a longer poem. That said, the language... Vividly vivacious. Good job.
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2/26/2017 7:09:18 PM
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The Navy Pilot's Lover
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Eh? I don't understand. You have to have some filler words in there. Otherwise it sounds like a Harvard professor. Could you tell me anything else?
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2/26/2017 7:11:45 PM
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Newbie or not newbie? That is the question.
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The community nest, eh?
I was active before, but am getting active again. A good tip - join the poetry contests. That way, people will see your work, especially if you place.
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2/26/2017 7:59:09 PM
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A mistake
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Not really. The length doesn't matter.
I'd call it a quatrain based on what I see.
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2/28/2017 9:03:30 PM
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A mistake
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Anytime!
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2/28/2017 9:09:02 PM
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The Navy Pilot's Lover
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NOTE - Originally posted in the other critique forum; however, I decided to bump it up. Enjoy.
The Navy Pilot's Lover (Or A Sestina in Six and a Half Stanzas)
Sitting on the rooftop, wavy hair billowing
In the wicked wind, fluttering away like herself
She clasps to her neck the silvery heart-locket
Before looking down from her shady alcove
She has no more time to waste, and, deciding a decided decision,
Tumbles through the sky...
_
When she was younger, she always looked to the sky
A source of inspiration, like the flags billowing
Patriotic she was for countries not hers, patriotic her decision
To go to the celebration of another land, that day of herself
There, in the shadows, she found an alcove
In the young boy who later gave her the heart-locket.
The boy, while certainly not a looker, was perfect for her, like the heart-locket
The reckless one, always wanting to fly for his country, a Navy pilot, up in the sky
And maybe that's why she chose him as the perfect alcove
For when premature death sealed his lips, only the flag knew her story, billowing
Its tragic tale into the world, mixing with the song of herself
That only she knew. That, at least, was her decision.
Despite the many voices, she made her own decision
And visited his coffin the day of his funeral, the heart-locket
Reflecting the pilot's face for the final time, he dropped out of the sky.
Had no reason to die. They found the body. A miracle for her and only herself.
The grey tombstone where she lived, the flag he died for above their heads, billowing,
Etched with his name in the color of death. Her alcove...
_
The funeral procession proceeds, though they all try to crack smiles. They visit her alcove,
The gravestone of a young boy so foolish to die. But really it was his decision.
The ominous flag like her hair that fateful night, billowing
With another life captured, preserved only in the heart-locket
Capturing the essence of what it meant for them to fly. The ground and the sky
Still encircling her neck, it sang her song, unsung except in the darkest nights, for herself.
Now there is no such thing as herself,
Only her cadaver, lying in its plot next to his, in the final alcove
She found before falling from the sky.
Just like him, that young boy, his eyes sparkling with his dream and his decision
To fly above the waves with her and the glitter of her heart-locket,
The flag he served forever in the air, billowing.
“Still capturing the essence of the sky, her waves of hair billowing
Remind us that she is lost forever. She could not live for herself, and her final decision
Reflects the alcove of the gravestones and the spark in the heart-locket.”
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2/28/2017 9:10:42 PM
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need help, comments
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Found it for him!
Empty Spaces
I would,
to satisfy
my love for you -
fill your empty spaces.
To show your wonder,
all the prose there is.
To fill your wounds with health.
Your passions abated.
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3/4/2017 8:22:42 PM
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The Navy Pilot's Lover
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Can anyone critique? All efforts appreciated!
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3/7/2017 9:57:57 PM
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The Navy Pilot's Lover
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Anyone please critique?
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3/7/2017 9:58:47 PM
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If someone never posts on my poem, is that bad?
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I do the same thing. It's mainly paranoia.
Cheers! ~Blue
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3/11/2017 6:49:41 PM
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The Navy Pilot's Lover
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Thanks. I wanted to play around with the word in that line, so... Ended up how it did.
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