Poetry Forum

Hayley07 - all messages by user

10/6/2015 4:21:22 PM
Novice writer - struggling to improve....	These two poems are ones I'm really struggling with. I want to improve so here goes... One More Hour If you could give me an hour I'd try to remember your smile So that when it was dark and I was alone My heart would be whole for a while If you could give me an hour I'd hold you, remember your touch So when it was dark and I was alone My soul wouldn't hurt quite as much If you could give me an hour I'd listen and hear your sweet voice So that when it was dark and I was alone My ears would hear and rejoice If you could give me an hour I would study your beautiful eyes So that when it was dark and I was alone Your smile would light up the skies If you could give me an hour I'd soak up each second together So that when it was dark and I was alone I'd pretend you were here forever Worlds End The muted smiles, the solemn eyes Shifting in their chairs No one quite knows what to say Death caught us unawares. A cruel miscalculation Death came for you too soon We thought we were invincible But no one is immune The cars outside keep driving The birds are full of song Why does the world seem to imply Its trivial you are gone No mention on the evening news No notice on the wall Does the world not recognise You were ever here at all You were not incidental This was a tragedy To the world you were just a person But you were the world to me edited by Hayley07 on 10/6/2015
10/7/2015 1:59:59 AM
Novice writer - struggling to improve....	Thanks for your thoughts
10/7/2015 2:00:15 AM
Novice writer - struggling to improve....	Thanks for your thoughts
10/7/2015 2:43:55 PM
Novice writer - struggling to improve....	Sorry I did not mean to dislike your comment I pressed the wrong button. I agree the last verse doesn't feel right so I'll have a play around. Thank you for taking be time to give some advice. edited by Hayley07 on 10/7/2015
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