Poetry Forum

GrtfulAron - all messages by user

3/20/2011 1:47:25 PM
the definition of innocence....please critique	There is some very strange and inconsistent (as well as some incorrect) punctuation that I think detracts from the reader's experience here. I'm not sure what was intentional and what wasn't, but you may want to consider some further editing. I am also not a fan of inconsistent rhyming...either rhyme or don't...but that's just my personal preference. Rhyming creates a rhythm to a poem that impacts the experience of the words and it is odd to the ear to have just a piece of a poem in rhyme unless there is some clear reason for its introduction at a specific point. The message of the poem is quite poignant, but i agree with the previous comment that there is a lack of balance. I think the point becomes clear too early in the poem, and then it just becomes a redundant set of details. Not much new is being added as the poem goes on, so it does become a bit overwrought, in my opinion. You have a clear voice and a clear message, so this is a great beginning, but I think it needs editing in aspects of style, form, and content.
3/20/2011 1:58:23 PM
The Silence.	I like your style quite a lot. The refrain ("Would it really...) is the strongest element of the poem, as it really brings the reader into the world of this person's weighty decision to "end it all" or not. The other verses to me contain too many repetitive images and a little bit too much cliche, so maybe some minor rewording or different choice of adjectives would benefit the work as a whole. Unfortunately, the one aspect of the poem that I really found disappointing was the ending. I know the whole poem is engineered to arrive at "The Silence" (it's the title, after all) but I think it's just too much of a cliche to be taken seriously and it detracts from the depth of meaning that came before it. I don't think it adds much and it disrupts the rhythm of the poem somewhat. I would be very satisfied if the poem ended after the previous verse. After "I was the one who let it fall...," I don't think anyone will be in doubt as to what The Silence is to which you refer in the title. I think it's more poignant to leave it to the reader to make that connection rather than to spell it out so obviously. Just my opinion, of course. edited by GrtfulAron on 3/20/2011 edited by GrtfulAron on 3/21/2011
3/21/2011 12:16:27 PM
It affects everyone	Just a few spelling errors you might want to correct: beautiful ostracized (unless you intended the British "ised") zealocy (not a word...zeal, zealousness, zealotry are possible alternatives)
3/21/2011 12:17:48 PM
Snowflake	What a unique and powerful metaphor. Well done!
3/25/2011 7:32:55 AM
An Inceptual Validity.	"Inceptual"...what a curious word...did you borrow that from Heidegger's philosophy of "inceptual thinking" or from the recent film "Inception?" I can't say I'm sure what an "inceptual validity" is, but your description of the pathological tyranny of a pharaoh is very powerful.
3/25/2011 11:00:17 AM
To See Fair Love	TO SEE FAIR LOVE If once a flower stood in heaven's light, fair petals, windswept, tending toward the dawn, If ever vim exhaled from violet night, redolent of her vigor, curtains drawn, As meditative falls hum nature's rite, so rapturous as queen unto her pawn, To see fair love as certain in the heart, I beseech you, heaven, may this be a start. -------- General critique is invited, but I'm also interested in a particular question: I had to add a short extra syllable to the iambic pentameter in the last line and I'm not sure if it is too distracting, especially at such a crucial moment as the end of the poem. Any comments? Thanks in advance!
3/29/2011 8:27:00 AM
Oscillation in a static realm. Please critique	You have a great vocabulary, but I'm finding it difficult to understand some of your phrases. Even though you may have a picture in your mind to represent each phrase, the reader can only create that picture from your words, so there needs to be clarity without sacrificing your command of the language. For instance: "decadence flourishing confined mortal" - I don't know what to picture from this phrase because "decadence flourishing" and "confined" are seemingly contradictory and then I don't know if "mortal" is meant here as a noun or an adjective. I have similar difficulty with "fallow diversity" - how does the adjective match the noun? I actually like this poem quite a lot. I just think some of the words could be chosen more carefully to evoke the image you are trying to create. I'm reminded of Walt Whitman, who always used the simplest, most common of words and phrases but evoked such powerful images and emotions.
8/30/2012 12:26:15 PM
strength, hope and love	A couple typos, I think: "Look pass" should be "look past" "Fogs your perception" should be "fog your perception" to match with the plural "clouds"
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