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victoriafirefly - all messages by user

5/12/2012 3:48:01 PM
critique & opinions? called on by a quiet shore,
a calm, and lucid, lonely shore,
not in a dream-she's wide awake-
but by a voice through whistling wind,
a draft,
she hears a spirit sing
a calm and peaceful hymn,
for fallen hearts,
and broken wings;
'sweet child, come to me,
the salty sea.
i can show you how to be,
and everything your tired soul
will ever need,
to finally
fall asleep.
bring your brothers,
bring your friends,
tell your sisters not to worry,
that it's not yet the end,
and that they can all come now,
safe and sound,
and rest their heads.
I won't let them drown,
or even let them weep,
and they may all, finally,
fall asleep.'

'You are lost,
and wandered lonesome.
But I won't leave.
You will always have the ocean,
and the mountains,
and the trees.
I am your keeper
and I promise you,
that I will see
that everything you fear
will wash away with me
when I put you,
to sleep.'
5/12/2012 4:40:22 PM
What hopes I really think this poem has potential, you just need to give it a little TLC. I think the grammar is a little confusing, when you say "what hopes, what dreams lie left of the pieces burned in a fire and burned under an icy coat of snow" maybe you could play around with it, something alone the lines of "what hopes, what dreams are left to lie, as pieces burned in a fire, buried under an icy coat of snow" if you are trying to ask what "hopes and dreams" are left behind as part of the fire. If in fact that is not what you are trying to say, I would just suggest changing your wording so that the line "left OF the pieces" makes a little more sense. Also, I agree with KaiJai, that you need to revise the format of your stanzas. Not necessarily because it sounds "rushed" but just so that it is a little more put together. Poems always read differently in your head then to someone else, so you have to kind of play with formatting so that the reader experiences the same rhythm you do when you read it to yourself. Punctuation is your friend, use it to your advantage. Commas and semicolons are really helpful in making a good rythym. For example, you could use colons here "what hopes, what dreams, lie left in the pieces burned in a fire, buried under an icy coat of snow?" and again at "what hopes, what dreams, persist inside the soul as it crumbles in the hands of another?" Redudance is good in poetry too, but it's a tricky balance to achieve... I think the word "some" is not a good word to use twice especially so close together because it is not a powerful or meaningful word. You could take out the first one and just say "And out of joy, some dark joy, lies the death of hopes and dreams; stoked into a thousand embers of fiery tears." I really like the tie between 'a thousand embers' and 'fiery tears'. And bring the last sentence together as you would have throughout the poem "what hopes, what dreams lie left; as their charred remains are thrown away, buried in an icy grave?" I hope you don't think I'm trying to re-write your poem haha, I actually really dig it overall and think it's a foundation for a great poem. Keep working on it until you are 100% satisfied. Hope all the CONSTRUCTIVE criticism you receive from everyone on here is helpful, and Good Luck
5/12/2012 4:53:22 PM
Pining Island far from the ground,
a sun faced sea shines on me.
no trouble i see - but a sail with no wind
to catch no worry in the air.
should i swim so long, and tire arms

to reach the golden glaze ahead?
and rest on islands set in silk,

to catch a glimpse
of flocking beasts and friendly herds.
edited by victoriafirefly on 5/12/2012
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