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Darryl Davis - all messages by user

1/10/2012 5:39:18 AM
This is my first ever poem, Just be honest with me Someone already posted a laundry list of things to pay attendion to, so i will avoid those and try to add to it:

- Pay more attention to your use of punctuation and perhaps use less capitalisation at the beginning of every line. Coupled with the use of some sort of stanza structure, this would make the poem easier for the reader to follow.

-Keep your audience in mind and do not exclude them. Despite the fact that this is a love poem between two individuals, the reader can be better included so they both feel they have first person clarity upon the events (the of imagry would help here) and are experiencing the events as they unfold. It's the difference between being spoken "to" and being spoken "at".

Best of luck with your future writing :-)
1/13/2012 7:13:54 AM
A free verse poem A few thoughts after reading the poem a couple of times aloud:

- Pay attention to the use of tense, as inexplicable shifts can throw the reader and influence their understanding. Lines 5 and 6 did this to me.

-Repetition in poetry can reinforce the readers' understanding of something by underlining its importance. It can also be a useful tool to emphasise beat or measure, thus positively contributing to the poem's flow. However, outside of this context, it can be a distracting sort of "déjà vu" for the reader (which is what happened to me the first time I read lines 3 and 4).

-A little proof-reading would be welcome TLC, as there were a couple typos.

-I have to say I was a little taken aback when the poem started to address me ("You're all waiting for it to fall") as it didn't seem to have really noticed me prior to that. It was rather like in police dramas when the suspect is in an interrogation room and begins to address the police officers behind the one-way mirror. It was surprising and felt out of place.

All the best wishes of your future draft of your poem. :-)
1/13/2012 7:22:24 AM
Who I am I felt myself getting into a groove during the first 10 lines (a good thing) but then it was as if I couldn't find my bearings anymore. It was rather like driving on a very long & straight road for several hours and then - without warning - having to navigate a series of twists and turns.

Personally, it feels like two styles which have been grafted together in a single poem and I think you would be better off opting for one or the other. At the very least, you might consider dividing the poem into at least two stanzas after line 10, thus providing the reader with a sign post to expect the curves which follow.

All the best for the future drafts of your poem :-)
1/30/2012 2:58:30 AM
Really looking for critque!! A Thousand Eyes My very first impression after reading this three times aloud is that I haven't the slightest clue as to what is about or aiming to do. There are no points of reference for the reader to judge where they are or even to access the interior of the poem. Much like an inside joke overheard by a stranger on a train, it left me feeling confused and - worse - excluded.
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