Poetry Forum

danzelindistress - all messages by user

6/4/2011 7:13:03 PM
My first post on this site. Any critiques? good??	DC, i really like the honesty of your introspection. these days, it is far more common for people to proclaim their own greatness, necessity and beauty (and one wonders what barometer they've used in the assessment, or if they've come to the conclusion without any examination of the details whatsoever). anyway, i love the metaphor of your flaws/hidden aspects as 'detainees,' fleeing the prison camp of your will to supress them. it's excellent, and i wouldn't mind it if you extended that metaphor a bit. it's just a matter of personal preference, but i'm not entirely sold on the rhyme scheme. you have some interesting rhymes, but i think your adherence to the scheme cheapens the thrust of the subject matter. i'd love to see your poem re-written without it. based on the aspects i've already mentioned, it seems like you can make art, not just poetry. and, i think turning the sentiments in this work into a poem has robbed them of the artistic weight i totally think you're capable of. this is just my opinion. i look forward to your future posts.
6/6/2011 1:15:31 PM
My first post on this site. Any critiques? good??	i'm constantly trying to get to that point as well, and i think i've achieved it a few times. but even when i don't rhyme, i can still see redundant thought patterns or meters within my own work. as far as breaking away from rhyme, it started for me with limiting any occurrence of it to within sentences and phrases, rather than always at the end. i'd also recommend collaborative writing, stream of consiousness, and any of the surrealist methods as studies on how to say things differently. feel free to soupmail me if you're interested in trying some collaborative stuff; i've never done any over the internet before, but it could be interesting.
6/7/2011 9:27:22 AM
Games	me again- i really like the word play at the very beginning; 'frustration building' could mean that there is a growing frustration, or that frustration is building some thing, or that there is a structure referred to as the frustration building. perfectly vague. and when you continue, and use 'ceiling' i can actually start to visualize a steel skeleton of some high-rise or the like. i want you to keep it going. you already know how i feel about the rhyme
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