Poetry Forum

Allergic to Life

A few months ago I began to develop a rash. It started on my ribs and was so intensely itchy I felt like I was wearing a coat of steel wool! I’ve always had allergies in one form or another. My earliest memories were of me being thrown into the car and rushed to the hospital after a bee sting. As I grew into adulthood, asthma seemed to dominate my life. I just assumed this was to be part of my fate, my genetics if you will. Years passed and my asthma was well controlled and allergies seemed to stay within their proper seasons. Then came “the rash”.
A rash is a frustrating thing because its cause is rarely identified right away. As the weeks went by I found myself thrust into the daunting task of seemingly endless detective work…
My first trip to the doctor yielded no real relief. Shingles was ruled out (that’s what I was thinking it was) so I was handed some cream and told to change my laundry detergent and bath products. Two tubes of topical ointment later I was still itching; itching so badly I had actually scabbed and scarred my skin in places. The rash had spread; I couldn’t sleep and couldn’t concentrate. Every object I looked at turned into a ‘fantasy scratching post.’ Antihistamines just made me drowsy, so not only was I itchy but now I was too tired to scratch! I’d gone through countless lotions, antihistamines, cortisone creams, oatmeal baths and even did a stint of oral steroids - all to no avail.Every night I scoured the internet hoping for answers. My searches included ‘I feel like I’m wearing a wool sweater”, “I itch so much I’m going insane”,and “why does my skin feel like I’m sleeping on thorns?” I was surprised to see how many had the same sort of symptoms, yet sadly no one seemed to have a real answer. Everything from gluten intolerance to stress was suspected, even bug bites and toxic overload were tossed in - and with all came hopes of relief from soda baths and homemade remedies.
My mother insisted it was stress but I said if that were the case I should have had a rash the last 30 years! If it were bites of some sort I’m sure other family members would have been affected. It just didn’t make any sense.
The following month I decided to go to an actual dermatologist. She was not certain what it was either so she ordered a biopsy which came back as ‘non-fungal /hypersensitivity of unknown origin’. This time I was given another sort of cream and told to start a food diary.
By now I looked as though I had survived a swim in a live volcano. My skin was pitted and scarred with sporadic patches of red bumps and blisters. I couldn’t bear to wear anything tight against my skin and was hesitant to eat anything for fear of another itch attack. I’d get out of the car and the skin where the seatbelt had touched was laden with hives. Everything I touched would break me out. I was getting to where I couldn’t touch anything at work without the telltale itching and redness, and to make matters worse it was now starting to affect my asthma again. An inhaler that lasted me up to a year was now being used several times a day. I had already had this rash for two months and the changes to fragrance free laundry soap, body wash and lotions hadn’t made a dent. I was now very depressed. The only relief came from a deep sleep which some antihistamines seemed to offer but I couldn’t go on this way! I couldn’t function in my day to day tasks. I had to find out why all of a sudden I’d developed this horrid rash and where it came from. I had no pets and no heavy carpets, drapes or endless nic-nacs that required dusting on a regular basis; I hadn’t been taking any new medications and I tore down my brand new bed and inspected it thoroughly for any signs of bedbugs. I made a‘gluten free’ grocery list and even threw away all my clothes that didn’t bear the 100% cotton tag. ( I had read somewhere that some of our clothing is processed with formaldehyde.) Formaldehyde! Imagine that. I’m severely allergic to formaldehyde – and latex – and nickel – and apparently nylon. My mattress was memory foam which too was apparently doused with chemicals. I had gone several months without eating bread or cereal, rice, or pasta of any kind.Could it be the reintroduction of gluten into my diet that caused this flare? I am now on my third month with this rash and am still in search of relief. I know we live in such a dirty, clogged and polluted world I may never find the cause. I suppose the only conclusion I can draw from all of this is I must be allergic - to LIFE!

I fell in love with a guy. I don't know when or why or how, but I knew I cared deeply for him. I admired him first, then admiration became affection and I soon found myself caring for him. But here's the catch- I didn't believe in true love and loathed it with all my heart. Now that I think about it, I didn't hate it, I was scared of it. And so avoided it. But how long could I avoid my own feelings? I had to face it and so I did. Confessed knowing I'd get rejected, and tried to move on. But...how am I supposed to move on when he was so nice and caring towards me? How can I let go of him when he's constantly around me, opens up to me and makes me feel important in his life. And so grew my love along with our friendship...which turned into a relationship. It was pure, it was rare and it was...the best thing in my life. He is the sweetest and the most amazing guy. He is my first love...and I wish he would be my last. But we had to break it off due to complications but are still the best of friends. I'm still one of his most important people in his life, and so is he in my life. Sounds like a sad but calm ending? Ah no, that's where you're wrong. You see, this guy loved a girl. His first best friend, his first love who never thought of him like that. Before we got together, he was moving on from her and even when we were together, deep down I knew a part of him will always love her. But I knew he didn't love her in that way anymore. But after we broke up...his past feelings broke open, and our promise of getting together after a few years if we still liked each other was shattered. Now he loves her, and I love him. But we both know that the one we love, will never look at us. The saddest part is, we only have each other to rely on even after all this. He can talk to only me about his feelings and heartbreak...knowing I too am going through the same because of him. And I can ask for the medicine for my wounds only to the very person...who wounded me. We're both broken with him being much more than me. And yet, we only have each other to tend to ourselves. He broke my heart, but I can't blame him. Nor can I get mad at him. Infact, I would collect all the broken pieces and give it to him again if he asked me to, even when I know that he's just break it all again. And for him, I would throw away my own feelings. I would forget about my pain and rush to him if he falls down. I will do anything...if it makes him happy. So...is this what love is like? Feeling happy when they are happy, feeling anxious when they are not doing well, and feeling contented to just be important to them. I would listen to him ramble about her all day even if it hurts, because I know he is telling me out of everyone because he trusts me and feels safe with me more than them. So...is this love?