Poetry Forum

watersprite231 - all messages by user

3/26/2019 7:51:45 AM
critique please	There are a lot of nice touches and interesting points withinyour poem, the overall story is one to which most people would be able torelate quite easily. I found it difficultto separate the individual thoughts for instance lines 1&2 make a perfectlyacceptable sentence without line 3, however that leaves line 3 on its own orwith line 4 neither of which make sense, maybe you could add blank lines to givestructure making it easier for the reader. I think I would have gone for ‘causing’ instead of ‘As itcauses’, there is something wrong with the absolute present tense in relationto the rest of the poem which I can’t quite put my finger on. The alliteration is interesting, but I think you’ve strainedthe language just too much to omit other words which might help the flow, tryit as ‘Surrounded by’ at the start of the line, then skip the As on the startof the next line. Alternatively omit the two lines of alliteration alltogether, it may seem a shame to lose them but it does read nicely, use them insome another piece instead. I’m not sure about ‘paint’ hiding her rage it didn’t seem self-explanatoryto me like the smile pain reference on the line before. As it is the shorter last line seems to close the poem well,the syllable count rolls well of the tongue, but for me the word ‘only’ doesn’tdo it justice, try ‘Just’ or ‘Simply’ or omit it. You could use some phrase to show that theother character didn’t just let it happen, more that he? was the cause of hergetting burnt ‘threw her on the fire’ doesn’t sit quite right but it’ssomething you could play with. Good luck with it
pages: 1

3/26/2019 7:51:45 AM

There are a lot of nice touches and interesting points withinyour poem, the overall story is one to which most people would be able torelate quite easily. I found it difficultto separate the individual thoughts for instance lines 1&2 make a perfectlyacceptable sentence without line 3, however that leaves line 3 on its own orwith line 4 neither of which make sense, maybe you could add blank lines to givestructure making it easier for the reader.
I think I would have gone for ‘causing’ instead of ‘As itcauses’, there is something wrong with the absolute present tense in relationto the rest of the poem which I can’t quite put my finger on.
The alliteration is interesting, but I think you’ve strainedthe language just too much to omit other words which might help the flow, tryit as ‘Surrounded by’ at the start of the line, then skip the As on the startof the next line. Alternatively omit the two lines of alliteration alltogether, it may seem a shame to lose them but it does read nicely, use them insome another piece instead.
I’m not sure about ‘paint’ hiding her rage it didn’t seem self-explanatoryto me like the smile pain reference on the line before.
As it is the shorter last line seems to close the poem well,the syllable count rolls well of the tongue, but for me the word ‘only’ doesn’tdo it justice, try ‘Just’ or ‘Simply’ or omit it. You could use some phrase to show that theother character didn’t just let it happen, more that he? was the cause of hergetting burnt ‘threw her on the fire’ doesn’t sit quite right but it’ssomething you could play with.
Good luck with it

pages: 1