Poetry Forum

Augustine Prens - all messages by user

1/29/2019 1:46:29 PM
Testing First Submission (Please help critique:)	Chased Pens and paper piled- Blank they rise higher- Babel with no spires. The instinct to daunt, to tempt- And like Prometheus to set ablaze- Gone with no wind, lost by no sin- I’ve chased it away. Hemingway told me in earnest- “Son, beauty is to bleed.” Blanche! I see no scribbles- No “perhaps today” and no “perhaps tomorrow”- For yesterdays, through lonely time- And two lonely eyes- They too have been chased away. I fear, lest I hope, something strange that now churns within- A boy is found, breathing hard and fast- “Am I born to die?”-He asks- My negation is swift, unnerving, and true- Reminds me the beasts I must set free- The fires I must set- Upon the world, I must stand, naked I will go- Ozymandias, I chase the name away. Remember! Empty hands make empty minds- And dawn has yet to come. The unknown and unwritten- Familiar lovers now- No challenge but to lay with them- And chase them all the same. edited by Augustine Prens on 1/29/2019 edited by Augustine Prens on 1/30/2019
2/4/2019 3:11:48 AM
Testing First Submission (Please help critique:)	Thank you very much for your feedback. The analysis you made helps me "remember" (I know, heavy handed) that there always remains something to be written. I particularly appreciate your criticism of my syntax flaws, something which I do need to focus on. However, it should be said that English is my first language, and that the claim that "the phrasing and syntax in the complex sentences structures seems almost invented rather than something natural" hits the mark: the syntax was invented. Your point is still completely valid, and I am working through a revision where the poem reads smoother while still allowing me to say what I would like. In short, I really cannot thank you enough for your wonderful critique.
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