Poetry Forum

superlativedeleted - all messages by user

12/29/2017 9:20:14 PM
Psychology	The title "The Adopted Mind" is interesting for a variety of reasons. On the one hand it refers to the mind of the adopted person, but also it references the idea that the mind is changeable, that one may adopt different states of mind. However, the ability to adopt different states of mind is rebuffed by the statement that the trauma is fixed at the center of the speakers conscious id entity. I think there are many paradoxes available to the author - clearly in terms of the speaker's life experience "adopting" is something not good, but in terms of wanting to be free of the trauma "adopting" (a new state of mind) is good. There is also the dichotomy of blood vs mind. One cannot adopt new blood the way one might be able to adopt a new state of mind. I think this offers the author room to play in terms of expressing the yearning and ability to heal the trauma vs the inescapable nature of tangible reality. The other thing that jumps out at me is the line about poverty being an excuse. There is a lot of pain in that stanza, but beneath the scab of anger, is a soft, warm, ruby-red love: the speaker is essentially saying "I don't care if you are poor. I love you. I would go through anything to be with you. I would die for you. It doesn't matter." I think the unknown and the imaginative space that poetry provides gives the author the opportunity to imagine the mother in the best light possible, the opportunity to imagine the choice was difficult instead of easy, inconvenient instead of convenient, hopeful instead of selfish. The motives of the mother character may not be known, it is not unimaginable that her choice to was also a different form of love (just as the accusation that poverty was an excuse is scabbed form.of love). I think it would be an interesting artistic choice to juxtapose her choice to give up her baby for adoption as an act of love, with the love of the speaker mentioned above. In fact, it might be interesting to rewrite the poem, or write part of the poem, from the mother's perspective. Did she think about abortion: did she want to but got talked out of it; did others want her to get an abortion, but she refused; did she catch herself thinking about baby names during her pregnancy, but stopped herself; did she hold the baby when it was born; did she refuse to see it because it would break her heart to hold the baby she knew she couldn't keep, that she had to leave to the mercy of strangers? I think there is so much more humanity for the author to explore. If it is explored with good faith, humanity, and imagination, accepting that it may provoke questions that have no answers other than what the author chooses to create, i think it could be a healing poem, rather than a way to crystalize the hurt. poems are different than prose. prose can release feelings. poems create images and sounds that give feelings a sort of body that become a part of us rather than leaving us, sometimes. rhyme and rhythm and images are mneumonic devices - they form associations designed to cement things in the mind. my advice is to do cathartic writing in prose first, to clarify the feelings and hurt, and use poetry as a way to create a vessel to preserve the light, love and freedom that results from your prose exercises. (It's true there are many poets that write from dark places, however it's worth noting doing so never freed them from the places they wrote about...). good luck!
12/29/2017 10:09:48 PM
Looking for critique	There are no concrete/ sensory details. Despite the use of rhyme feels like reading prose. I like the contrast/ arc of the tethering at first being framed simply as pain, then reframed at the end as an affirmation. The use of apostrophe as a figurative device here feels awkward, because "you" isn't referring to the reader, and it's not clear who the "you" is. This breaks the charm of intimacy between author and reader. The use of inclusio as a figurative device works well, given that there is a revelation about the nature of the tethering. However, beginning the poem with the word "and" is very awkward, and may not be necessary. personally, i found the poem emotionally inaccessible. i didn't find a place in the poem to occupy as the reader. the poem was speaking at me.
12/30/2017 3:32:35 PM
The Doors of Perception	The title is intriguing. I actually find it more thought provoking than the poem itself, perhaps. I think of what you've written so far, there are three core elements that get lost in the stream of consciousness. 1) The doors of perception 2) I crave to pass through humanity's walls 3) peaceful coexistence is purview of our purpose These three points are your essential poem, but they are under developed, if not compeletely passed over. What is our purpose? ~ Peaceful coexistence. Why don't we have it? ~ Humanity's walls (of perception). What do you want? ~ freedom; peace; to walk through humanity's walls (of perception) How can you walk through walls? ~ create doors (of perception) -- although you also mention unhinging doors; perhaps these are locked doors? in that context is removing a locked door by force an act of violence that is contrary to the purpose of peace? what doors of perception do you wish to build? If there is only time to build one door of perception with your poem, which would it be? It's not clear to me from the poem if the focus is existential in nature or sociological in nature. If you're intending to focus on an existential point about the nature of reality, i think the writing needs to be more methodical in its approach to the subject.
12/30/2017 3:47:45 PM
Critique please for 'Autumn' poem	if your goal is to evoke bittersweet memories in the reader, you must do it through your powers of description and use of figurative language. Maybe the reader has no bittersweet memories of Autumn. Maybe it's their favorite season when everything is full of color, and family and friends are gathered together like piles of gold and purple leaves. Simply saying "evoking bittersweet memories" is as about effective as telling someone "suddenly you're happy", "suddenly you're sad" etc... Writing a bittersweet scene that takes place in Autumn would be more effective, or something figurative. Example: I couldn't help but think of our last summer together, as the Autumn leaves broke beneath my shoes.
12/30/2017 3:59:18 PM
A poem where nothing matters	hate the bold font. love the poem. it's depth belies its airy tone. Proof read it. Make sure the meter is as you wish, and you're done.
12/30/2017 4:04:12 PM
the wall	reminds me of reports of the effects of solitary confinement. i don't usually go for fragmented lines, but it works well here.
1/18/2018 11:13:37 PM
Tinsel	i think your three strongest metaphors are the jolly tunes being her confidant, the garland and tinsel being her jury, and the souls being plucked like birthday candles deforming the icing. I think they are profoundly original and dynamic in a way that clearly and crisply conveys the inner experience of the tragedy. i think your weakest stanzas are the ones describing the crying. the descriptions are notably lush (perhaps bordering on too beautiful, though this is a matter of opinion), but the moment you rely on saying plainly the person is crying, you've already stated directly they are sad, and indirectly told the reader they should be sad too. After that, there's no real way to be subtle about evoking the emotion within the reader, and vivid descriptions of the crying just become redundant or simply for the sake of imagery as they are not conveying anything new poetically, its just more and more and more: she's not just crying, but the tears are sparkling, and rolling, and they are big tears that (even fantastically) come down the steps, and soon there are so many of them she might just float away through the door like Alice in Wonderland. i think you could convey all of the grief intended with the description of the crying simply by extending the birthday/ holiday theme to wrapping paper: her face crumpled like gold and red wrapping paper, torn, and discarded in the bin. mixing the Christmas imagery with the birthday cake imagery was slightly disorienting to me, but i love both, so not what to suggest. normally I'd suggest stick to one or the other, but I'm not sure its bothersome enough to discard either of your very authentic metaphors. I would suggest rephrasing "birthday cake candles", as cake is redundant. if you're plucking birthday candles, its natural to assume or visualize a cake. if you wish to keep the word cake, i would rephrase as: ...souls can be plucked/ like candles from a birthday cake... that way cake is necessary as a noun and not redudant as an adjective. I would remove the line: ...no one wants to lick. this line makes the poetic meaning of the icing ambiguous, and the acting of licking (in this case trying to savor something sweet) may be seemingly sensual in nature. if the linez were: ...souls could be plucked/ like candles from a birthday cake,/ leaving deformed icing (end of stanza) - i think there is an idea that the icing is the sweetness and happiness of those left behind and how it is damaged by the act of taking and the absence of that source of light. With the line about licking, it asks the readers to determine what isn't icing that is lickable that the icing represents. licking is such a physical act that if the icing is supposed to represent something intangible the verb licking is misleading. if the icing is intended to be the body of the deceased, rendered "un-lickable" by the accident and the taking of the soul, then this becomes a potentially uncomfortable line. thank you for sharing. i hope something i said ends up being of some use. good luck edited by superlativedeleted on 1/18/2018
1/18/2018 11:26:39 PM
Don't Shoot the Messenger	i agree with Bob A. I think this is very good as is. There is an opportunity, if you wish, to extend the coffee metaphor: coffee is something that wakes people up...
5/2/2018 5:30:12 AM
Tree.	proofread for complete sentences, proper punctuation. some of your sentence fragments are actually subordinate clauses to the main sentence; just change appropriate periods into commas. the poem itself its wonderful, lovely, and complete. You could elaborate more if you wished, but it is lovely as a drop.
5/2/2018 2:33:29 PM
The artist	I don't really get the sense that the description of the sunset is necessarily expressing something unique, but I think it is a worthy image to explore. The main ideas of the poem seem to be a) sunsets are beautiful b) this beautiful quality evokes a sense of something greater than appearances (an artist behind the beauty; artistry being an act of intention and deliberate design) c) (?) that the beauty of the sunset misdirects a careful observer from a sense of mortality? If my reflection of "c" is correct, this is the closest the reader comes to an original expression in the work. It's a clever turn, or volta, whose brevity of articulation might indicate that it would be interesting to see the work rewritten as a Shakespearean sonnet. All in all, my attention began to drift halfway through; I did not find it nearly as compelling as a real sunset.
5/3/2018 8:56:21 PM
The artist	you can look up the rules for a Shakespearean sonnet if you like. writing them in iambic pentameter can be a bit nightmarish if you're completely new to meter. Still you might enjoy adopting the stanza structure. juxtaposing the classical beautiful sunset motif with awareness of mortality is something i haven't read before. each half has been used before, but I've never seen them used together. using them together that way creates the opportunity to make a statement about how we relate to beauty and how desire shapes perception of reality. it could turn into a lovely exploration if you wish to develop it in that direction. edited by superlativedeleted on 5/3/2018
5/4/2018 7:43:16 AM
Feedback Pleae🙂	I think the topic is good. I find the stanzas disorienting. I like the title; I looked forward to reading about a shipwreck. However the stanzas remain extremely abstract. I think the first line is excellent. Splintered glass in the second line was the beginning of the poem moving in a different direction from the expectations set up by the title. I was expecting wood instead of glass because I went into the poem anticipating a shipwreck. Later on in the poem you mention a treasure chest, but generally you don't stay very close to the image of a shipwreck at all, and a shipwreck doesn't necessarily have to have a treasure chest. I think the choice of shipwreck as your metaphor is excellent, but I'm confused about the execution of the imagery in the poem and why your main metaphor is not relied on as the vehicle of expression. I think the poem would be more powerful if the emotional content was focused entirely through the lens of the shipwreck imagery. Perhaps the speaker is walking along a beach and comes across the remains of a wrecked vessel, its wooden ribs torn open and jutting up through the sand like giant splinters reaching for air as the sand swallows them whole. Perhaps the wreck is young enough that the tatters of the sail are still there, evicerated by a storm it couldn't weather, unable to beat the storm but refusing to abandon the hull, hanging on by threads. Or it could be the scene of the crash itself, which is what i thought the first line was setting the poem up to be. There are lots of ways to work with shipwreck imagery. I think it would be exciting for you to explore that imagery more. Your poem is clearly speaking about something very personal, which is perhaps why its vague on specifics. That's why metaphors are so great, is you can be perfectly clear and speak about one thing specifically that has nothing to do with the details of what actually happened, but the emotional truth can still be told. There is no need to be abstract for the sake of privacy; the metaphor is your masque.
5/4/2018 8:40:24 AM
Broken Trust	The first two lines are extremely strong. The choice of words creates a sense of a corpse being embalmed. The phrasing of the first two lines leaves all the emphasis on the verb "caves"; it is very nicely done. "His muddy irises..." is really a remarkable phrase. In the context of the poem, for me it leaves a very mixed impression; the image that comes to my mind is brown eyes painted in water color, perhaps because muddy is an adjective, -y sounding like a diminutive suffix, and irises is such a beautiful sounding word that is also used to refer to a lovely flower. It interposes a strange quality of naivety to the male character in the midst of the female character's disturbing experience. It's as if she thought his brown eyes were beautiful, until things got muddied with emotion, the way water color pigments bleed when touched with water. A different phrasing like "he looked at her with eyes made of mud." conveys an entirely different feeling, as if his soul isn't there, looking at her, but not seeing her because his eyes are blank, and mud cannot see what it is really doing. The bit about tears refusing to fall being obscured by tge muddy irises loses me conceptually. I'm assuming it is the female character's tears that are refusing to fall, but if they are not present, how can they be obscured; also, how could his eyes obscure her tears. Its taken several readings, but it seems the 3rd stanza is dependent on the last 2 lines of the previous stanza, the hiding of the tears being the mask, and he is beguiled by her stoicism? I think this point needs to have more clarity. I think stanza 3 is also unclear because of the line break in line 7. Ending with the word obscured there creates ambiguity if the obscuration exists within him for the female character or both. When stanza 4 says this mask, its not clear whose mask is being referred to. the 4th stanza ends with implied weeping which is slightly disorienting given that stanza 3 seems to say that the scene is dependent on the male character being unaware of the female character's upset? I think the closing two lines are also very strong. I think you definitely have an intuitive sense of how to use words to build emphasis and complexity. i think with more clarity your capacity for nuance will really shine.
6/25/2018 11:00:06 AM
Blood Hunger	It's spare on imagery, but I think it works really well. I think the most successful device is contrasting the musicality of tge quatrains with the monosyllables of the last lines; it is very metrically violent and very strongly conveys the intensity and violence of the poem without graphic imagery or gore. It is a brilliant device of subtlety that keeps the work from becoming distasteful or garishly overwraught. Making midnight bells tge first two words is a technically strong choice. However, it is worth pointing out, perhap that were it closer to the end of tge stanza there is an opportunity for in-stress with the word blood, which has the potential to capture the deep resonant boom of a great bell, in the right context and with the right proximity: Throughout the country land shadows begin to cry and sing; midnights bells begin to ring, as they thirst for one demand. Blood. This construction might make it sound as if it is bells that thirst for blood, but the semicolon introduces ambiguity, allowing the one thirsting to be any of three options 1) the shadows 2) the bells 3) both, because the semicolon construction could mean the second independent clause is giving more information about the first, or that they simply have equal positions and significance. The reader won't stop to figure it out; they will end with the word bloof, which should itself ring as if the bell had been struck. There are instances in the rest of the poem where things m be more clearly phrased, grammatically. I think the choice to ommit punctuation does not work in the poems favors stoppages help control flow and mood; for instance: Hunger quelled by carnage now, tranquil, they settle after the feast. None remain to tell us how to survive the quandry of the beast. The commas after now and traquil create pauses that create that sense of pause and tranquility in the flow of the poem, which will match the description of the poem.
6/25/2018 11:32:57 AM
Diamonds	Very positive and whimsical content. One of my personal pet peeves is poems that tell the reader how to feel or promise the way they will feel. I suppose if it were a poem for a children's book, maybe. My main suggestion would be to experiment rewriting it as a lyric poem in first person. I often find enjoyable poems that accomplish the amazement of the reader through powers of description rather than simply telling them they'll be amazed. I like the promise on the menu, but I'd rather have the steam of the steak rolling up into my notrils, the sting of steaksauce on my tongue, and the smooth warmth of mashed potatos in my mouth. No need to say "you'll love our steak and mashed potatos." Give us steak and mashed potatos! Rewriting as a lyric poem i think will help the author focus on experiencing and expressing its own amazement and wonder, which is sure to resonate at a universal level with others, rather than overly focusing on the reader and trying to figure out how to get them to feel amazed.
6/25/2018 11:44:54 AM
THE FORBIDDEN TEMPEST	The brevity of phrasing works well. The title is almost too grandiose as-is; allcaps is unnecessary. I don't usually care for abstract poems because they tend to turn into pastel vomit, but yours has focus, unity, weight, authentic thoughts arising from the angst of the theme, and an enjoyable voice. I'm not sure why you've put a space between each line, though.
6/28/2018 5:20:41 PM
Questions (a different style)	As it is, it is good. However it reminds me of the reflection of a seagull skimming across the clear surface of the sea looking at all the fish it might grab; how I was waiting for it to plunge into the waves and seize one in its beak and beat the waters with its wings until it emerged soaked and satisified. As it is, it is enjoyable, whimsical, like leaning one's cheek on one's palm and staring out the window. I think there at least five or six unique poems waiting to be discovered in this alone. As its own poem it is fine, but I hope you will not stop there. It is a field rich with seeds that can't wait to put up leaves. edited by superlativedeleted on 6/28/2018
9/2/2018 9:52:26 PM
Looking for Honest Feedback// Fools and Freaks	I think it's over wraught. I think the thought might be more artfully expressed: Vignettes of peoples lives, composing lines with clarity of soft and simple breath. Saying plainly what you mean you'll find to be the best. The work is abstract, a philosophy of sorts that obfuscates the journalism that apprehends the heart. Let it be a scene in a high school hall, a mall or on vacation, the outcast that amuses unintentionally the court of painted smiles. What jewels are hid in the jester's argyle?
9/3/2018 11:12:06 AM
Lost Cause	It works really well plainly stated. The language isn't strained or overly florid. It's very accessible. I think "if love could heal addiction" is a really powerful theme. If you like, I think you have a very unique opportunity to elevate your theme. Written in first person, with the camera tightly focused on the personal interaction of the speaker, the poems feels like it is about the speaker - and it may be - but I think the poem has something equally important to say about the nature of addiction and support in a universal field. It would be exciting to see a second poem written in 3rd person, focusing on "if love could heal addiction" with a wide angle lense, a series of vingettes of different people with different addictions receiving support from well-meaning friends, family, or colleagues. Addiction is its own entity, an intangible entity; a wide angle lens would allow you to focus on addiction as super-mundane entity. Also, illustrating that love of those around us can't cure addiction could actually be freeing for allies that think "if i just love enough, it'll help..." etc... If you wish, there is a much vaster poem out there waiting for you, if you wish to be the one to tell it.
9/3/2018 11:24:32 AM
The unknown that I seek	This is as difficult to read as a waded ball of paper. "What if..." asks the mind to access if something is possible. Turning time backwards is confusing even when we know it is impossible, but to imagine it as possible demands that the proposals be clear. Even if you insist the reader twist their mind into a pretzel, it better be worth it. In this case, whatever the poem is proposing is based on a reality that doesn't exist.
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