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For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/3/2012 2:22:37 PM

Major H
Posts: 2
Hello all,

I'm new to the site. Here's a poem I already posted. Let me know what you think. Any suggestions, oddities?

Six Thousand Miles

Whispering lies that tickle my ears.
I told you I loved you, you tell me your fears.
A life filled with sadness, but now a new start.
I pledge my commitment, you're subtlety an art.
Dance around issues, I listen you speak.
You see it as weakness, when only I'm meek.

I ask if you're ready, you give me a promise.
I sense the lies hiding, you tell me you're honest.

I ignored my gut feeling, my greatest regret.
A country to cross, I start feeling the threat.
You stopped saying those words, unsettling fear.
You say we have to talk, as I'm growing ever near.
I changed my whole life, only hours away.
A city cast in shadow, as you broke off that day.
Mistakes floating in air, no blame to be cast.
Your lies fill my dreams, no forgetting the past.

Two weeks and you're gone, one more week I can't stay.
My soul and my heart were ripped from me that day.

A shell of the man that I used to be.
Drove back across mountains seeing all I could see.

But nothing compared to the beauty of your smile.
It's all I could think, mile after mile.

I thought I was lucky for the time we shared.
But of course it's a curse, dreaming what isn't there.

A tragedy it's clear, the lies I was told.
A heart so empty, your love only cold.

Abusive and cruel, you feared what would change.
I would see you, "the truth", I would leave just the same.

So return to the pain, you swore he meant nothing.
A cheater, with lies, all along you'd been bluffing.

So every night as I write, you sleep peaceful in bed.
But of course I can't sleep, you're rent free in my head.
edited by Major H on 5/3/2012
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5/5/2012 12:48:26 PM

Josie Whitehead
Posts: 7
If I tell you the truth Major H, I would say that your rhyming is good but your metre is faulty. I can see anapaests coming and going in your poem, ie ti TI TI ti TI TI (four per line). This would make the basic rhythm anapaestic tetrameter (4 per line). Look: I ig NORED my gut FEEL ing my GREAT est reGRET. You can see these four clearly. This is a lovely lovely easy flowing metre for poetry and I use it a lot, but you need to count it out line by line and it takes time I know. I hope this helps you. The opposite of this is the Dactyl and this is the waltz of the poetry world, ie TUM ti ti TUM ti ti TUM ti ti TUM ti ti. I also like this but the anapaests are much easier to get right. I guess it's hard until you do lots of them. Good luck. It is a really really sad poem and I hope it doesn't apply to you. Best wishes

They say that writing poetry keeps the mind young, but writing poems for children heads that I think.
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5/7/2012 5:08:11 PM

Major H
Posts: 2
Thanks Josie, I've never taken any kind of writing classes so this is exactly what I was looking for.
I'll keep this as a finished poem but definitely work on my metre in the future.

Josiespoems wrote:
It is a really really sad poem and I hope it doesn't apply to you.

Unfortunately it is based on a personal experience (I wrote this laying in bed one night since I couldn't sleep) .. But there's nothing like a soul-crushing broken heart to make you want to write about it.

So I guess that's an upside?

Thanks again Josie
edited by Major H on 5/7/2012
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