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Forum Home » Be Gentle » Cellular Madness

Post here if you're new to receiving a critique and you want "gentle" feedback on your poem. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
4/23/2012 5:09:01 AM

Ken Duddle
Posts: 12
Hi.
I have posted this one but struggling with the last part I have put it into couplets for now and it is about the last four or five that do no not sound right. I am working on my poems with a proof reader and she said it doesn't quite seem right. It's from
Buy sell,'deals done, deals broken...
Any advice would be appreciated.


Everywhere I go these days I see people talking.
Not to each other, but to themselves whilst walking.

Hands up to ears, eyes seeing little.
Sometimes speaking in whispering rhymes.

But mostly in a loud voice, echoing off walls.
On street corners, in shopping malls.

On public transport, getting out cars.
On benches in quiet city parks.

Buy, sell, deals done deals broken.
Marriage proposals, love poems written.

Texts to avoid meeting face to face.
Goodbye, I have found somebody else.

Sign of the times, tinged with sadness.
It must be cellular madness.

edited by nightguard on 4/23/2012
edited by nightguard on 4/23/2012

--
A good book unlike
A vintage wine is consumed
over and over
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