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Forum Home » High Critique » Please, don't hold back! One time around

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
2/19/2012 4:17:02 PM

Robert Masterson
Posts: 2
Morning begins,
not with the fresh promise of a new day.
the air is thick with promise and fear.

The sun shines bright.
Its rays only a fraction,
a spattering of pink and yellow light.
This morning is cold.

The day begins in a different way.
Though sounds signal this gathering life,
the morning sky is neither blue nor grey.

Mid morning sky becomes a gathering storm.
A strong fury,
blossoming fatalism,
the end seems near.
But slowly
v e r y s lo w l y,
the storm passes.


The clouds clear and promise is again thick.
The sun’s rays are strong,
but still the air is curiously cool.
Warmth is absent.
Warmth is craved.
Its absence is feared.
Perhaps it is warmer there,
or there,
or there,
maybe there?

But here it’s not unbearably cold.
The flickers of warmth from a distant sun,
An ancient ball of gas billions of lifetimes old,
whose rays are curiously and unbearably obscured.
Eight minutes old waves,
illuminate fears felt but not heard.

A bird soars high,
warm and free
from the thickness of promise,
and the absence of heat.

The sun now sits high in the limitless blue,
with warmth still frighteningly distant.
Alone, though not, in a day half-way through.
Alone, cold, and now trapped in what seemed but an instant.

The burdens of a day only half-gone,
encumbered by a life only half-spent.
The fleeting memory of warmth leaves only greater desire,
Its passing a scar in a life only half-went.

The only thing worse might be no scar at all.
Then again…

What has this afternoon,
this evening,
and this night to bring?
Will they pass with grace, poise, and bright warm sun?
Might they deliver a joy that will sing?

Will they bring warmth from the promise of tomorrow?
Or might the warmth of the sun never reach this day?
Might they repeat the day’s early sorrow?
Perhaps the promise of a day that will never really be seen?
Or will they bring ever more cold, more pain?
Or might they bring the birth of wings?

Whatever, may the end come swiftly.
Let the burning cold come with the flash of a moment.
For this day has been long,
and alone.
These scars are many and they run long and deep.
May this end come like an eagle,
for it be too long if it comes with a creep.

It has been too long, too dark and too cold.
It has been far too painful, and too lonely to grow old.
edited by BrokenFriend23 on 2/20/2012
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5/1/2012 1:54:05 PM

Robert Ludden
Posts: 10
I think it is too much to give us a single purpose to the poem. Why not take just a single aspect
of the day, and reflect on that! The poem would then not only be shorter (which would be effective in this piece---not always of course) and would not only sustain interest, but allow you to express your feelings about it more completely. In other words the poet needs to show him/herself more. That gives it some drama and some emotional appeal here, which the title promises, but does not deliver effectively.
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5/10/2012 8:19:33 AM

Nathan D.
Posts: 7
this is more of a rambling then a poem. it goes on and on with no clear point. to many of your descriptions conflict eachother such as the shine bright followede by its but a fraction. its as if your on a a train of thought going from red to apple to oranges to sun to black holes to where all going to die ahhhh. alnyways takes roberts advice and focus.
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