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Forum Home » High Critique » Two versions would appreciate comments

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
7/5/2021 2:28:11 AM

Terry Miller
Posts: 3
Super, Awesome and Grand!


Rasp-rasp, rasp-rasp, the saw moves up and down;
because coffins are built better by hand.
My young daughter watches in her pink gown;
to make sure that it's right, you understand.


"It can't; it can't be a shabby old box,"
she cried out loud; "best wood, best silk, and, and;
he needs to be dressed in one of his frocks;
it has to be super awesome and grand!"


Her first small pet, Bunny, expired today.
Put in the box with love; sobbing, and tears
we'll surround it with buds, flowers; and pray;
while both stroking its soft downy big ears.


"Can we plant it now, dad?" She said with glee
"And will it grow into a rabbit tree?"


Super, Awesome and Grand!


Rasp-rasp, rasp-rasp, the saw moves up and down;
because coffins are built better by hand.
My young daughter watches in her pink gown;
to make sure that it's right, you understand.


"It can't; it can't be a shabby old box,"
she cried out loud; "best wood, best silk, and, and;
he needs to be dressed in one of his frocks;
it has to be super awesome and grand!"


Put in the box with love; sobbing, and tears
her first small pet, Bunny, expired today.
While I worry about any new fears
daughter of mine will just right out and say:


"Can we plant it now, dad?" Somewhat with glee
"And will it grow into a rabbit tree?"
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8/2/2021 10:12:20 PM

Jake Price
Posts: 2
Personally I prefer the first version you posted here. I think it just flows better and is easier to connect with than the second one. Nice work!
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8/13/2021 8:00:52 PM

Unseeking Seeker
Posts: 1
Prefer first one … better feel to it
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8/14/2021 5:25:41 PM

Regina McIntosh
Posts: 4
Love the first one
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9/17/2021 3:18:30 PM

Twelve Twelve
Posts: 9
They're both good. I like the first one better. The only thing to consider is her mood on the last line. She's mourning throughout, making certain everything is perfect, but then she says with glee?? This is an excellent poem. Can you find a word that fits the rhyme scheme, but conveys a hopeful tone?
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