Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » Two versions would appreciate comments

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

7/5/2021 2:28:11 AM Terry Miller Posts: 3	Super, Awesome and Grand! Rasp-rasp, rasp-rasp, the saw moves up and down; because coffins are built better by hand. My young daughter watches in her pink gown; to make sure that it's right, you understand. "It can't; it can't be a shabby old box," she cried out loud; "best wood, best silk, and, and; he needs to be dressed in one of his frocks; it has to be super awesome and grand!" Her first small pet, Bunny, expired today. Put in the box with love; sobbing, and tears we'll surround it with buds, flowers; and pray; while both stroking its soft downy big ears. "Can we plant it now, dad?" She said with glee "And will it grow into a rabbit tree?" Super, Awesome and Grand! Rasp-rasp, rasp-rasp, the saw moves up and down; because coffins are built better by hand. My young daughter watches in her pink gown; to make sure that it's right, you understand. "It can't; it can't be a shabby old box," she cried out loud; "best wood, best silk, and, and; he needs to be dressed in one of his frocks; it has to be super awesome and grand!" Put in the box with love; sobbing, and tears her first small pet, Bunny, expired today. While I worry about any new fears daughter of mine will just right out and say: "Can we plant it now, dad?" Somewhat with glee "And will it grow into a rabbit tree?"
	• permalink • reply with quote
8/2/2021 10:12:20 PM Jake Price Posts: 2	Personally I prefer the first version you posted here. I think it just flows better and is easier to connect with than the second one. Nice work!
	• permalink • reply with quote
8/13/2021 8:00:52 PM Unseeking Seeker Posts: 1	Prefer first one … better feel to it
	• permalink • reply with quote
8/14/2021 5:25:41 PM Regina McIntosh Posts: 12	Love the first one
	• permalink • reply with quote