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9/9/2020 2:51:05 PM Tansy Roekaerts Posts: 5	once Joyful, resentful, demanding and loud The past is a place, where I felt defined Pain I wear it an invisible shroud I’ll take to my grave, unless I can find That time that I colored to lend it weight Bright little boxes, for fear we be late. Unthinkable that time could lose its hue Fading with it all I held to be true Time now weighs heavy, a mantle of lead. Time then so light so quickly was it spent Paying no heed to my disease so spread Till I was left, or was it me that went? Once was mother, but alas no more I have lost my voice, but inside I roar. Tansy888 on 9/9/2020 edited by Tansy888 on 9/9/2020 edited by Tansy888 on 9/9/2020 edited by Tansy888 on 9/9/2020
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9/11/2020 6:25:19 AM Jack Webster Posts: 255	Looks like you’re adapting the English/Shakespearean sonnet form. The line structure is good; 14 lines/ three quatrains followed by a couplet. Your syllabic lines are nearly perfect; it seems all but line 13 have 10 syllables. The rhyme scheme deviates from the classical shakespearean form; your first and third quatrains follow the traditional rhyme scheme for English/ Shakespearean sonnet, however the second quatrain is composed of two couplets. Compare traditional: ababcdcdefef gg to your adaptation: ababccddefef gg It’s not necessarily a problem, as the structure is still very deliberate, but for those that are anticipating a more traditional rhyme scheme might be confused momentarily by the deviation. The use of the couplet at the end adds a sense of finality because it breaks the rhyme scheme of the quatrains by having the rhymes back to back; it’s a cue to the ear. When your adaptation places the rhymes back to back in the second quatrain it alters the nonverbal message the rhyme scheme structure gives the ear. For the casual listener or reader, it will likely go unnoticed. The petrarchan/italian sonnet structure has rhymes back to back in the octave before the volta abbaabba(volta)cdcdcd, however it does not conclude with a couplet — it uses the alternating rhymes and change of mood/image to signal the close of the poem. It’s a different type of song. Choosing to observe the 10 syllables per line in addition to the line and rhyme structure is really fantastic for a first attempt at a sonnet; many just do 14 lines with the rhyme scheme their first time. As you’re most likely already aware, you’re not using iambic pentameter — I would say omitting iambic pentameter is (sadly) very common for contemporary sonnets. We haven’t grown up with an ear for iambs or metric poetry, so writing in meter seems difficult and foreign to us — merely by lack of familiarity. Walt Whitman’s nationalistic predilection for free verse circumcised or body literature of its metric inheritance. Interestingly though, your ear seems to lean in the direction of anapests and dactyls, also tetrameter (in various acrobatic variations - catalectic, hypercatalectic). An shaky argument could be made that some of the lines that have 5 or more stressed syllables are written in very spirited lines of iambic pentameter with a great number of trochee and spondee substitutions, however it is a difficult argument to make since the first line is in tetrameter (dactylic or anapestic catalectic), and sets the ear up to expect tetrameter in the subsequent lines. But, of no consequence if using meter is not a goal. In terms of content, the reader isn’t really invited into the happenings of the poem. It reminds me a bit of the times I've gone to a new therapist and trust hasn’t been established yet but I want to talk about how I feel without really talking about what has happened. It’s like a locked box, or a locked room — will come out and talk about how we feel about what is inside, but the people outside are never really allowed to share what is inside, or invited inside. Seeks sympathy, but withholds the opportunity for empathy, because sharing it requires vulnerability. For instance, if I were to say I would cry when my parents left me at daycare, that might provoke sympathy, but if I were to describe my little body being pressed into blue nylon weave of my napping cot as a three hundred pound caretaker crushed the air from my lungs until I went to sleep, it takes the listener to a completely different level than mere ritualistic sympathy for someone that is sad. Details matter. They let the reader/ listener in — it allows them to have an authentic reaction, not simply a reaction to your reaction. Food for thought. Good luck! Hope something was helpful.
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9/11/2020 11:26:51 AM Tansy Roekaerts Posts: 5	Wow thank you so much for taking the time to write that! Immensely grateful. You're right I simply can't hear the stresses. Thanks so much for your belp
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9/11/2020 8:12:46 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	If meter is of interest to you, Mary Oliver’s book “Rules for the Dance” is a very enjoyable and thorough read, and also explains meter in a way that allows it to be fluid and living instead of rigid and absolute. Meter can take some time for the ear to acquire. Sometimes the emphasis certain syllables receive take precedence over the stress as marked in a dictionary. Also, the ear intuitively hears the length of syllables, sometimes the weight of a syllable is mistaken for stress (this was a particular obstacle for me in the beginning. This kind of quantitative meter is not commonly used in english poetry, but is very common in old world languages like greek, latin, sanskrit, persian, and so on). Oliver’s book focuses on the lexical meter most commonly used in english language poetry.
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10/12/2020 11:00:37 AM Tansy Roekaerts Posts: 5	Thank you so much for you time. Im getting the book.
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