Get Your Premium Membership

Poetry Forum

home recent topics recent posts search faq

Forum Home » Be Gentle » Review it for me please?

Post here if you're new to receiving a critique and you want "gentle" feedback on your poem. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
12/9/2019 7:28:22 AM

Anagha Lakshmi
Posts: 1
Under the towering bridge, beside the tulip garden, next to the curvy ridge, sat a soldier awaiting no one.

Merged with a melody of notes, when the rappling river hummed it's tune, this man felt remorese to which one could never be immune.

The silent breeze calmed the dimming sky, the weather turned plesently chilly and steadily peace seemed to multiply

With a lit cigar between his fingers and his head admits conflict, sat this man in his room, clouded by the early morning's mist.

Birds chirped near by, the river hummed along, the occasional ticking of the clock, was the only other sound.

“Dear maya”, he wrote, as he returned to his bunker somewhere remote

His mind wandered to her joyous smile, seperated as they were, by many a mile,

He penned what came to him instinctively, in a scrawly handwriting,”I miss you lovely”

He wrote about everything but not for long,he wanted to tell her he missed her singing their song.

He wrote about how his home did he miss,his bike, his school and his mother’s kiss

His brother’s dare, his sister’s care,

his eyes glittered as he put it all down,his dimpled cheeks twisted into a deep sad frown,

He wrote about how, of her everything reminded him, his eyes hesitantly filled to the brim,

The distance for a while did his heart tear, oh what he’d give up to, at her stare,


To his mind then came this tiny little creature, to the soldier his pup was the greatest gift of nature

Back home With his face looping, and on his feet four, stood this amazing someone, barking in wait at the door,

The empty wardrobe in the house, meant nothing to Tim, the man's shoes were what he held onto because they still smelt like him.

The pup seemed to look at the door, everytime it seemed to creek, waiting for the man whom he loved, to whom his eyes did speak.

When the fresh breeze blowing off the river, touched this man's frawning face, he realised there were tears coming off his eyes, thinking of the tiny heart who ran to him in chase.

Growing up with a companion, and then being torn apart, this story didn't seem fair, nothing of literature or art.

Will this tale of separation ever come to an end? Asked the man's gloomy heart, that longed for his best friend.

But close by there was a deafening sound,he knew had to leave, he was duty bound,

He ended his letter; promised to see them soon, in this world of internet, to him letters were still the only boon.

And after that boom that day, the phone at home almost never rang, Maya's melody was lost, she never again sang.

Even after years, she couldnt talk of her soldier without a deep sad frown,

In her nightmare she lost him; she woke up and he was still gone
permalink • reply with quote

Forum Home » Be Gentle » Review it for me please?




Powered by AspNetForum 6.6.0.0 © 2006-2010 Jitbit Software