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Forum Home » High Critique » unristrcted criticism, please help me develop

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
11/29/2019 2:42:54 AM

Ahyia Amankwah
Posts: 2
That seed from the sperm
Germinatesfrom the soil of the womb in its term
Tilltime is up, the seed remains calm and fragile
Thenurturing and maturing outburst it into stem and leaves so fragile
In innocenceand cry, springs the young to this unknown mystery
At thatpoint or even before, the choice is not in your hands in the disarray

In thisdisarray, if the young plant is favored, the leaves groom greener
With thestrong stem upheld by the sperm provider
Andfeeding from a root source of the womb bearer
Iffortunate, the youth now needs to make use of the serene condition to shootflower
Here theplant needs to put up much of effort to utilize the opportunity
Unfortunateplants are like plantain sucker planted by the wayside
Whichdue to wear and tear never prospers and dies in wretchedness
Or bareflowers that are soon blown away by the windy wayward winds
For itsfruits, forget it!

Fortunateare the plants that shut out flowers
Sobeautiful and colourful with the wish of lasting forever
Thatquestionable matter of long struggling to understand eternity
Oheternity our wishful partner but enemy with that shroud of darkness over you
Thebeauty of flower soon fades and browns if not blown away
Theflower with no beauty, sweet scent and exposer
No beewill fed it with pollens;
Thepollens that when received begins the success journey
Fadingand browning till it generates fruits
Likecaterpillar processing into a butterfly
Theflower has to shrink into a dark pupa
Then theflower flourishes into its fruit
Thefruit is what beholds the plant
Thebeauty of the flower is long gone
As thefruit surfaces
If thefruit is sour or bitter
With nobenefit of even quenching a thirst
Thebeauty and the resilience of the flower cannot be remembered
Theflower that bore good fruit will forever be remembered
And hereeternity becomes a partner indeed
For theflower is captured in the archives,
Nomatter how ugly the flower looked.

Flowerof life is the youthful stage
Life’syouthful beauty fades
If eventhe plant is not tarnished
Thefruit of the flower is what matters
Thefruit makes the flower become complete
In itsbeauty.
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12/20/2019 11:35:06 AM

Samihah Sakkaf
Posts: 3
Hi please review this poem of mine

The kindling of love
Buried somewhere
beneath the abyss of locked horns
And bones to pick on,
Is a kindling of love,
which I wow to search for relentlessly.
Never shall I give up,
resolute I am to grasp,
for amidst that deep pit of shattered heartbreaks, it lies
covertly tucked away from conceited eyes.

And even if it takes to rip my eyes off, i shall
and on my knees shall I clamber
and grope for it as well,
for with its light
i would regain my sight;
profound is the power of love.

And when i snatch it
I would set it ablaze
and melt our heartaches and differences away.
With our love rekindled
I would mould out a new phase
in our lives where
we are meant to be soulmates...
and I promise to you that i shall never
leave ur side,
for amidst that sombre abyss
there lies your kindling
heart inside.....

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12/20/2019 11:39:33 AM

Samihah Sakkaf
Posts: 3
Hi it poem I can't quite grapple the meaning of seems to complicated and long...or is it because I am bad at poetry... I wonder if it would sound better if u shorten it and stick to the point

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12/24/2019 12:55:58 AM

Pavithra CP
Posts: 1
A wish....A wish to walk free
Free of the stigma bestowed upon me....

Free of the clutches holding me tight.....

Free of the epitome of a dirt too slight...

A wish....

A wish to unfurl the wings....

The wings of beauty

The wings of freedom

And up above to the manifesto of stardom!!

But alas! it's a trait

Too harsh!!

A poison lost amidst my blood....

A poison existing in the hearts of many.....

Many a girl like me....

And alas! The wish remains a wish

The wish to roam around free...

The wish to unfurl our wings....

For many a girl like me!!
edited by Pavithra CP on 12/24/2019
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12/27/2019 11:23:37 PM

Natasha Linnette Joubert
Posts: 1
What can I say, life changes.
Dreams do get bigger, streets come to an end and every day seems shorter.

Growing up is really scary if you look outside your window and see how life begins and ends.
How colours bloom and how they fade.

Have you ever really felt that moment when you think that the child playing on the swing was you...thinking, if I'm older I will, I want to, I can't wait.

I think what scares me the most is that I can't pause the moments in life I love the most, I can't capture them in a snow globe just to keep them save.

All I can do Is live in the moment and see it be lived through different eyes, I think that's the beauty of life.

It changes.
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