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10/3/2019 11:27:31 AM Agnes Yusuf Posts: 1	As the silent walls enravish the sweetness The thunders roars, the water sways Fallowing breed of mountain's delight Grazed in the oak of nature's meet The thunders roars, the water sways The tendrils of scented pine trees discovered Grazed in the oak of nature's meet It's fullness thereof, behold the splendor The tendrils of scented pine trees discovered Fallowing breed of mountain's delight It's fullness thereof, behold the splendor As the silent walls enravish the sweetness
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10/11/2019 6:46:47 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	I find pantomimes a challenging form; im sure I’m not the only one. None of the poem really makes any more sense than fall leaves floating by on a current. It feels like it’s been put through some sort of poetic encryption machine where the imagery is meant to obscure and obstruct rather than clarify and deepen. Without a proper context, the counterpoint between silent walls and roaring thunder is just sort of gratuitous artistry than renders describing walls as silent redundant rather than revelatory. ‘The sweetness’ is left entirely abstract. the walls are at least something concrete, but one is never sure what walls they are either. The water similarly flirts with the concrete but is never defined, perhaps a waterfall (roaring thunder), but one is never sure, could easily be a white water rapids, or could just be ripples moving across the surface of a pond. ‘Following breed of mountain’s delight’ borders on simply gibberish. Presumably you’re describing water cutting a path through a mountain pass. ‘Grazed in the oak of nature’s meet’ is likewise approaches the realm of gibberish. Presumably the verb ‘grazed’ is being applied to ‘the water’ but even this does little as the subject ‘the oak of nature’s meet’ lacks such clarity it is as if random words were drawn from a hat. the preposition ‘in’ blows all that is presumed, but still not understood, entirely out of the water and into the sky, in an awe inspiring display that can only be compared to an unintentional rocket launch leaving a vapor trail of light and steam that disappears into the distance of the great unknown. The water(?) that grazes is IN the oak?? Pine trees do not have tendrils. Wasn’t familiar with meet as a noun, but even after looking it up, I have absolutely no clue what a ‘nature’s meet’ is. All this being said, it is clear you have a lovely literary voice/ persona. I’m not sure why you want to deprive it of the power of plain spoken ness and the ability to be understood
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