For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
9/2/2019 9:57:12 PM
J.D. Cromwell
Posts: 16
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I need a title and high critique on this one. Thank you in advance.
Under a waning and gibbous moon.
Two lovers embrace, their hearts in tune.
But low! The time has come to depart.
The unspoken story of his heart,
Like the scent of rose and song of loon.
Kissing hand of his hearts desire.
His thoughts? - to be by bedside’s fire.
A bid of “adieu” with a dons bow,
Back steps a few, turns heel and strolls dow’
The road that leads to where he was birth’d
To lie to rest and dream of loves worth
Puts his head afloat like a ships’ prow
Shorter route taken to hurry home
A path, where woodland creatures roam
Cirrostratus shades the gibbous moon
The darken’d wood increases the gloom
Acorns fall and the rustle of leaves
Things brought about by a sudden breeze
Arises fear of impending doom
A snap of a twig!, an owls who!
“Who is there?” He calls, “Do I know you?”
Pace is now hasten’d, legs moving quick!
The forest floor - has gotten quite - thick?
Alas! Cirrostratus falls away
But moonlight shows he hath gone astray
Gasp! In which direction must he pick?
Internal compass, he’s no bearer
The way he chose was to his error
Whilst he stumbles his way through the dark,
Tries to think of thy love - in the park
But evil things climb into his head
Spirits and ghosts and creatures undead
Fiery fiends with wings of a lark
As swaying boughs sing their creaking song
His panick’d heart pushes him along
In this wood he’d be wise not to dwell
Slipped on a rock, lost balance and fell
Flat into the devils walking stick!
The bushs’ thorny fingers that prick
Brought a nightmare of demons from hell
This wicked place he knows he must leave
From this hell, will there be no reprieve?
A clearing ahead to his surprise
Unloved home of Victorian rise
He flees now without hesitation
Could it be a place of salvation?
But no! ‘Tis the place of his demise
He runs to the abandon’d dwelling
He thinks it safe - but there’s no telling
Clothes dirty, torn, and tatter’d
Body cut, bruised, and batter’d
Rightfully weary from his torment
And fully filthy from his time spent
In the wood where his mind was shatter’d
His reality has come unwound
He spans the porch in a single bound
Broken windows, front door opened wide
No hesitation to hide inside
He finds his way into the parlour
In hopes to wait out witching hour
His nerves on edge, the door slams behind!
Turns his head, - comes to face a mirror
Dishevel’d form, his final terror!
Horrid face reflects in pale moons light
He grasps his chest in that final fright
His heart arrested! from terrors hold
And contribution from tales of old
Brought about this young mans blight!
...And there he lie in fetid squalor
Upon the chaise in vacant parlour...
~J.D. Cromwell
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9/3/2019 6:49:27 PM
J.D. Cromwell
Posts: 16
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***Edit***
A clearing ahead to his surprise
Unloved home of Victorian rise
He flees now without hesitation
Could it be a place of salvation?
Or - is it the place of his demise?
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9/4/2019 9:58:49 PM
Jack Webster
Posts: 255
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The poem is as fun as Edgar Allen Poe handing out baggies of candy corn on Halloween night.
I’d omit the posted edit. You’re telling a story; suggesting to the reader that he might die in the House is unnecessary. trust your own ability to foreshadow his doom. Especially since this type of story is sort of an old, but enjoyable, cliche, it would be better to assume the reader is already in on the fact he’s going to die. Sticking with your first instinct to simply inform the reader he’s going to die in the House is much better, because it confirms the suspicion the reader already has, which frees them to move onto “ooooh! HOW is going to die?” and “oh, gosh! He thinks he’s safe, but he’s not!” which is more enjoyable as a reader than the author simply repeating the suspicion that is already present.
The familiarity with and use of meter is wonderful, though it could use some judicious polishing. The use of meter fits very well with the blast from the past motif. Particularly your use of meter seems a bit whimsical in some portions, in a few instances using annapests and dactyls instead of iambs, which seem to be your predominant metric. Even in the iambic sections you seem to loose sight of your meter sometimes. It seems predominantly your goal was to write in tetrameter, with the occasional extra metric for effect. However in some instances it is not clear if your substituting a trochee for an iamb on the first foot or simply beginning with a lame foot. Many times you seem to liberally add unstressed syllables so long as the line contains four emphasized stresses, though even then sometimes in the same line you substitute an iamb for a spondee. Let’s look at specific lines:
Under a waxing and gibbous moon
! — — ! — — ! — !
Sounds lovely, but scansion is simply thrown in the air. Is it two dactyls, a trochee, and a truncated trochee? What about something like:
Under waxing gibbous moon
! — ! — ! — !
The meter is cleaner this way, there is more tension. The x in waxing is more sonically violent than the languorous n in waning. Also the ommision of the articles conspires with the weight of the words under and gibbous in a way that’s almost diabolical. The danger in the poem is plain from the first line.
I would omit the word two. Unless we’re expecting the reader to presume “lovers” to imply a multiplicity of partners, saying there are two lovers is redundant. Omitting the word two also cleans up the meter a bit.
Under waxing gibbous moon,
Lovers embrace...
“Their hearts in tune” is a bit too campy, and is also inconsistent with the style you’re paying homage to. I’d strive for something more considered, if not at least lovely: as moonflow’rs bloom: for instance.
Under waxing gibbous moon
Lovers embrace as moonflow’rs bloom
Spend lines 3 and 4 on the romance; stanza three signals the depart. Line 5 is cliche-heavy.
Line 8 can be cleaned up metrically
A bid of ‘adieu’ and a don’s bow
— ! — — ! — — ! !
:: he bids ‘adieu’ with a dons bow
— ! — ! — — ! !
(iamb, iamb, double ionic/ pyrrhic+spondee)
If you’re going to do anything experimental with sound in the poem, I would restore dow’ to down and movie it to the beginning of line 10.
He bids ‘adieu’ with a don’s bow,
steps back a few, turns heel and strolls
down the road that leads...
(also using steps back a few sounds better. Putting bow and back back to back becomes an over abundance of b’s)
Doing it this way breaks the rhyme scheme metrically, but not organically to the ear that waits for it, anticipates it, and completely forgives it’s not on line 9. Line 9 then ends with the word strolls which has a delicious rolling length that lingers into the night and the next line begins with the full force of the word down, and he really takes off. (It also cleans up the meter for line 9.) it is a bit audacious though, and many might mistake it for an error, so you’re call.
Dow’ was an extra lame foot in line 9; you had: spondee, iamb, spondee, iamb, dow’
Now that it is moved to line 10, it’s still an extra foot, but line 10 also had too many feet to begin with:
the road that leads to where he was birth’d
iamb, iamb, iamb, spondee*, birth’d
*the spondee here might be read as a trochee, though if this foot is read without stress then the last foot of the line suddenly become an annapest that includes the word birth’d. Overall the end of the line gets a little messy metrically. Something like:
returning to his place of birth
— ! — ! — ! — !
But then that might force one to do something metrically dramatic like:
he bids ‘adieu’ with a don’s bow,
steps back a few, turns heel and strolls
down the road
returning to his place of birth,
to lie, to rest, to dream of loves worth.
He puts his head aloft like a ships prow.
(Adding he at the beginning purifies the meter in line 12. Presuming like is read without stress, you end with a double ionic which is great. If like is read with stress, you have an extra foot in line 12)
‘In this wood he’d be wise not to dwell’ is annapestic trimeter. If you try to scan it with iambs and trochees, you have a fifth foot at the end that’s lame. The sound of the line is pleasing to the ear, but it is a big departure from iambic tetrameter, but then maybe so what?
... oops! Gotta run. Call from a paramour. Gotta go, go, go...
One final thought:
He grasps his chest in that final fright
Heart arrested!...
—to—>
He grasps his chest in final fright!
Arrested Heart stopped!...
Here is the best place to break the iambic tetrameter, when his heart breaks, but only works if you’ve been relatively clean with your meter until that point. It’ll throw the ear into outer space.
Good luck. Have fun
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9/5/2019 9:33:07 AM
J.D. Cromwell
Posts: 16
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superlativedeleted, thank you. I’ve only been writing for a couple months and your critique truly shows how novice I am. I don’t even know some of the terminology you used let alone know how to implement it.
I had a story that I needed to get out and wanted to pay homage to past masters. (Lovecraft and Poe being my 2 favorite)
I think I’m too focused on syllable count (each line contains 9) and not enough focus on readability, the flow, etc.
I believe I have a good poem here but need to learn how to make it great.
Are there any sites that you’d recommend on learning more?
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9/5/2019 1:21:42 PM
Jack Webster
Posts: 255
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Holy crabapples.
You must read a lot of Poe and Lovecraft. Your meter is unpolished, but your ear is better tuned to it instinctually than many contributors on here that study it deliberately. I’m honestly surprised the terminology I used is unfamiliar to you; there was no doubt in my mind you would know it.
You simply MUST purchase ‘Rules for the Dance’ by Mary Oliver. It was written for ears such as yours. It would be a waste for you not to have a copy. It has everything you need to master metric verse, or polish instincts that are already emerging.
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9/5/2019 1:25:59 PM
Jack Webster
Posts: 255
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Yeah the Harvard link is delicious. Has metric feet I haven’t even heard of before.
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9/5/2019 1:26:59 PM
Jack Webster
Posts: 255
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poetry.harvard.edu/guide-prosody
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9/5/2019 1:45:42 PM
J.D. Cromwell
Posts: 16
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Wow, thank you. I’ll definitely pick that up. Hate classrooms but absolutely love to learn and since I started writing this year, I found I really enjoy it. Especially poetry, rhyme is fun to write and read.
Please critique my others! Ha!
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