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Forum Home » High Critique » Novice, Contest Poem, Intense critique appreciated

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
3/24/2019 8:40:34 AM

Chaya Lg
Posts: 2
Curled up frozen, but feeling cells divide
Ongoing cycle that circulates the walls inside
Time to release forces and powerfully unite
Enfolding the concept, a journey to the finishing light
Stimulation of flashes, limbs about to outstretch
To awaken the canvas upon what life is to sketch

The endurance of birth is a brutal and beautiful course
Having eyes now wide open to explore nature's blessed force
Elevating one’s progress until another mile stone is met

Training your skills, body magically Building up sweat
Opening up the chase, on you marks, ready... get set
Different emotional expressions are sensitivity felt
Developed Talents, traits and tempo will be spelt out
Long distance of life may have an environmental impact
Enthusiasm to run life is a purposefully chosen act
Reliance on others, at this stage of the marathon is core

Years of coaching tips are crucial for what your path mayhave instore
Exceptional intuition, a cloth from what your mother/Mentor ris made
Attention, affection, with passion guidance displayed
Running a stable home through life's early stages
Should formulate a winning equation for further life phases

Knowing your future plan is a huge undertaking
Making it happen is a rewarding awakening
Staring inwardly at your strength is a pro in the making
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3/25/2019 11:19:34 PM

Jack Webster
Posts: 136
Deliberate attention to meter. How wonderful! The annapests and dactyls repeat audibly.

The phrase "on you marks" aught to be "on your mark" or "on your marks".

Deeper in the poem end rhymes disguise themselves within a longer phrase. At the beginning the rhymes stop the line. Either is fine, though the longer phrasing's nice.

I think it could be tidied up a bit, in terms of clarity. The first line is well made, but vague. At first I thought of cancer, curled up sick, dividing cells. The second line is written nicely, but made me think of menses, the cycle that circulates the walls of the womb. But it seems the poem speaks to birth, a growing embryo.

Maybe simply add the word pregnant in the line:

Curled up frozen, pregnant, cells divide
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4/12/2019 12:48:25 PM

Chaya Lg
Posts: 2
Apologies for the delay. Thank you for all your fine remarks. It's been noted. The first verse is about a womans cycle and the fertilization of an embryo as you stated. Thank you for your response.
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