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2/2/2019 2:35:46 PM Leah Carroll Posts: 1	Rough draft Title : My ears don't work My ears don't work, I can't hear a thing. Not a whistle or a bang, or a telephone ring. My ears don't work! My ears don't work, I can't hear a peep. Not a cat, or a dog or a car horn beep. My ears don't work! My ears don't work, I can't hear a word. Not Mummy and daddy tell me my worth. My ears don't work! My ears don't work, But that's ok. I can still communicate but in a different way. My eyes are my ears, my hand is my mouth. We'll soon work together and figure it out. My ears don't work! My ears didn't work, But now I can hear. I have a device called a cochlear. It lets me hear things I've not heard before. I will be eternally grateful forevermore. My ears do work! My ears do work, I can hear everything. The whistle, the bang and the telephone ring. My ears do work! My ears do work, I can hear a peep. Cats meow, dogs bark and the loud car horn beep. My ears do work! My ears do work, I can hear every word. My Mummy and Daddy praise my worth. My ears do work! My ears do work, It's amazing to hear. And it's all thanks to my cochlear. My ears do work!
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2/3/2019 7:15:34 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	This is absolutely lovely. The form is perfect for the audience. The rhymes work well, and not only do the refrains work well the volta in the middle where there is the transition from not being able to hear to hearing, the contrast between the old refrain and the new refrain really powerfully captures the excitement of being able to hear. some suggestions for consideration as you feel appropriate. I think the final stanza would be stronger if you omit the refrain and end simply with cochlear. Since it is a rhyme, it should not feel awkward the refrain is omitted at the end. The mind will anticipate the refrain due to the repitition, but the rhyme will close the poem and the mind will unify the meaning of the missing refrain with cichlear. Read it aloud with and without and see which sounds best to you. Similarly I would omit the refrain at the end of "figure it out", for the same reasons above, with the addition that the omission of the refrain creates a pause because the ear is expecting the missing refrain, and this pause alerts the ear there is a change, a shift, which silently announces the volta andthe transition into the second half of the poem, which is affirmed also by the new line "my ears didn't work. In stanza three I would change "Not" to 'when' and omit punctuation on the preceding line. Similarly, in it's parallel stanza, stanza 8, I would change "My" to 'when' and omit punctuation on the preceding line. They would read as: My ears don't work. I can't hear a word when Mummy and Daddy tell me my worth. My ears don't work. (and) My ears do work! I can hear every word when Mummy and Daddy tell me my worth. My ears do work! I think this an important change as the way it is currently written there is a semantic ambiguity that leaves room to feel the worth exists because of the ability to hear. using "when mummy and daddy tell me my worth" as a third refrain is significant because it emphasizes the affirmation of worth is unchanged and has always been there and it is only the ability to hear that has changed. It also rephrases the third stanza in a positive phrasing. lovely, lovely, lovely. Hope some of my suggestions are useful. edited by superlativedeleted on 2/3/2019
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2/3/2019 7:24:16 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	To be perfectly honest, with the above changes you could probably get this published by a store-brand publisher as a children's book. Not sure if they take pre-published work though. I would talk to an publishing agent to check it out. edited by superlativedeleted on 2/3/2019
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