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Forum Home » High Critique » Dreams by Bob Atkinson

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12/30/2018 11:29:01 AM

Bob Atkinson
Posts: 236
Dreams


- by - BobAtkinson




block the sun with hand held high


as you move from place to place


shunning all forms of irritation


with style and practiced grace






call those simple pleasures


ones we seek so many of


strip those dark incantations


down to the barest love






sweat pours from a body


from feelings held to chest


our needs reduced to simple forms


our loudest protests held with breath






tell me if I'm overdone


am I so outof place


as to dream some dreams of glory


impossible in these days of strong duress






I pass the tree of wonder


growing from the salted ground


as we discover growth comes fast


when life forms here in the round






tell me if I'm never to


see dreams come under light


those perturbed by simple pleasures


strength of will thought out by night






send me through that maze complex


of interactions with the crowd


and let me form my own opinions


some fruitful, some unsound
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12/31/2018 10:27:50 AM

Jack Webster
Posts: 96
very spare on imagery.


the mood seems to be restrained/ quiet resignation, desolation. The volume is so low, it's difficult to catch quite.

Passing through a maze of strangers is a very powerful concept that I think you should develop more.




I wasn't familiar with the practice of salting ground, but after having looked it up, mentioning it merely in passing doesn't quite capture the intent and scope of such an act. It seems to be the old world equivalent of dropping an atom bomb on local flora and fauna.


The image of the tree of wonder growing from salted ground has power, but its power relies directly upon the reader's comprehension of the poetic significance of salted ground, not merely the science of the attack, but the emotional and social poetic content of who would do such a thing to someone and why, a sadistic and dominating contempt or self righteousness. The power of the tree is its rebuttle to the poetic content of salting the ground, but you have ommitted it. I think it would be stronger if you expanded this section.




the use if second person in the first stanza is inconsistent with tge rest of the poem
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1/6/2019 4:38:01 PM

Bob Atkinson
Posts: 236
Jack,

Please don't put form over function.

Bob
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