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Forum Home » High Critique » Dreams by Bob Atkinson

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
12/30/2018 11:29:01 AM

Bob Atkinson
Posts: 236

- by - BobAtkinson

block the sun with hand held high

as you move from place to place

shunning all forms of irritation

with style and practiced grace

call those simple pleasures

ones we seek so many of

strip those dark incantations

down to the barest love

sweat pours from a body

from feelings held to chest

our needs reduced to simple forms

our loudest protests held with breath

tell me if I'm overdone

am I so outof place

as to dream some dreams of glory

impossible in these days of strong duress

I pass the tree of wonder

growing from the salted ground

as we discover growth comes fast

when life forms here in the round

tell me if I'm never to

see dreams come under light

those perturbed by simple pleasures

strength of will thought out by night

send me through that maze complex

of interactions with the crowd

and let me form my own opinions

some fruitful, some unsound
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12/31/2018 10:27:50 AM

Jack Webster
Posts: 96
very spare on imagery.

the mood seems to be restrained/ quiet resignation, desolation. The volume is so low, it's difficult to catch quite.

Passing through a maze of strangers is a very powerful concept that I think you should develop more.

I wasn't familiar with the practice of salting ground, but after having looked it up, mentioning it merely in passing doesn't quite capture the intent and scope of such an act. It seems to be the old world equivalent of dropping an atom bomb on local flora and fauna.

The image of the tree of wonder growing from salted ground has power, but its power relies directly upon the reader's comprehension of the poetic significance of salted ground, not merely the science of the attack, but the emotional and social poetic content of who would do such a thing to someone and why, a sadistic and dominating contempt or self righteousness. The power of the tree is its rebuttle to the poetic content of salting the ground, but you have ommitted it. I think it would be stronger if you expanded this section.

the use if second person in the first stanza is inconsistent with tge rest of the poem
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1/6/2019 4:38:01 PM

Bob Atkinson
Posts: 236

Please don't put form over function.

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