Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » Don't Clap Gentlemen

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

11/22/2018 8:03:47 PM Arjun Jangid Posts: 10	The news flashing on tv again and again The nuclear missile succeeded in testing so called gentlemen clapping and chatting Arguing merrily having cup of tea in hand on open tea stall created media hype. An old rustic man had a ladhi( stick) in hand asks innocently what is going on ? brust of laugh listened soon ashamed man utters iam not from moon. i know myself well so you should behave well. What flashing on tv ? Nuclear weapons(all deadly weapons), Old man What it produces? Corpses only, replied someone soon Why we want pruduce corpses? It not for us but for enemies. Who are enemies? all who are different Do they also have such weapons? yes, definitely What will happen if both attack with same weapons and they get success in target? stars in sky so corpses on the land but regret single remains to count and comment deadly silence will rule all over the game of cricket will finish in an over Last question my friend After that disaster will it help in farming ? will it bring happiness for human ? or may i alive to say stories to grandsons? or will our hands remain to clap next time ? No No No No idiot so don't clap gentlemen Let me go now First i will settle dispute so i can save my hands to clap. edited by Arjun Jangid on 11/23/2018 edited by Arjun Jangid on 11/23/2018
	• permalink • reply with quote
11/22/2018 8:05:26 PM Arjun Jangid Posts: 10	Comments are welcome
	• permalink • reply with quote
11/23/2018 11:37:00 AM Frank Frank Posts: 15	Lots of interesting things here. However, I can't decide if the numerous ungrammatical phrases and other problems with the English are deliberate or not. If so, then that's great, you really suggest how these "gentleman" sound; if not deliberate, that if you yourself are struggling with English, then I would say you've inadvertently stumbled onto a nice way of expressing things in a poem that suggest your own secret dialect and I like that a lot. I get a nice picture of the scene from phrases like "having cup of tea in hand" without much additional description. Perhaps the least interesting thing for me is the subject matter, the whole question of nuclear missiles and annihilation. Could you weigh in and talk a little about what you were trying to do with the language? I think that would help us.
	• permalink • reply with quote
11/23/2018 6:15:53 PM Arjun Jangid Posts: 10	Thank sir I know there is a problem in my english writting because i basically used hindi. I will try my best.
	• permalink • reply with quote
12/2/2018 12:20:40 AM Jack Webster Posts: 255	Arjun, This is a very strong poem. It ultimately questions: what is it to be civilized? The poem challenges colonialist pride, and shows how pride can easily lead to evil that does great harm to others. The poem questions the philosophy of what makes something the enemy. The poem illustrates how making enemies of others is a downfall for oneself and leads to harming others. It makes the gentleman a symbol of pride, of being civilized, then shows them applauding death, destruction, and barbarism. The question: what's good about making corpses? is very strong. Juxtaposing the stars in the sky with the corpses on the ground is an extremely strong poetic image. The english does need work, but no problem. You can take it to someone that knows English well and work with them. The english is not the poem. The images, contemplation, how things are arranged are the poem, and you've done it very well. If you have not already written this in Hindi, write it in Hindi to make sure you have a copy of the ideas, images, arrangement just as you like, that way you do not forget. Then, work on the English with a tutor or friend. No problem. Very good. It is good you are writing about life, about the world. Poet-journalist. This is good. Too many people write about themselves; an unfortunate western habit.
	• permalink • reply with quote
12/7/2018 1:24:06 PM Arjun Jangid Posts: 10	superlativedeleted wrote: Arjun, This is a very strong poem. It ultimately questions: what is it to be civilized? The poem challenges colonialist pride, and shows how pride can easily lead to evil that does great harm to others. The poem questions the philosophy of what makes something the enemy. The poem illustrates how making enemies of others is a downfall for oneself and leads to harming others. It makes the gentleman a symbol of pride, of being civilized, then shows them applauding death, destruction, and barbarism. The question: what's good about making corpses? is very strong. Juxtaposing the stars in the sky with the corpses on the ground is an extremely strong poetic image. The english does need work, but no problem. You can take it to someone that knows English well and work with them. The english is not the poem. The images, contemplation, how things are arranged are the poem, and you've done it very well. If you have not already written this in Hindi, write it in Hindi to make sure you have a copy of the ideas, images, arrangement just as you like, that way you do not forget. Then, work on the English with a tutor or friend. No problem. Very good. It is good you are writing about life, about the world. Poet-journalist. This is good. Too many people write about themselves; an unfortunate western habit.
	• permalink • reply with quote
12/7/2018 1:32:56 PM Arjun Jangid Posts: 10	Sir iam very thankful to you .You explained me truly. I tried to write stire on blind competition of deadly weapons. I scare if they prove their birth .
	• permalink • reply with quote
12/10/2018 10:12:28 AM Arjun Jangid Posts: 10	Sir iam thank ful to you. You give your precious time. But i am not agree that we are waste of space. We are super intelligent but we are narrow minded. we are divided on base of nationalities, religions, castes and on base of colour also. if we should work for common welfare. we should have proved ourselves first human.
	• permalink • reply with quote