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11/16/2018 8:40:56 PM Maryann Nope Posts: 3	A few feet away Only a few feet away in distance But in my heart and mind it’s miles Through treacherous terrain and mountain Icy cold and frozen Just a few feet from me is the man I gave my all to The one I could reach out to Who I thought understood me Is now somehow my enemy Very close in proximiy lies the man I could extend my hand to I can’t change him nor do I want to Thought I loved his flaws Again it seems I was terribly wrong Only a couple words away is the man I could speak sweetly to Silence fills the room because I’d rather be alone than plaster a smile on my face Tonight I will lie alone instead of in his embrace On the same bed is the man across from me At the very same moment in time as I Might as well have been centuries from now Too numb to even cry So I’ll share a bed with this man I thought I knew Realizing the truth, that we’re strangers in one bed I guess tonight I’ve got no choice but lay back-to-back from him And wonder how someone so close can seem so far away Again -- Maryann
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11/19/2018 1:14:37 PM Frank Frank Posts: 15	A few feet away Only a few feet away in distance But in my heart and mind it’s miles Through treacherous terrain and mountain Icy cold and frozen Not a terrible opening. I kind of like the repetition. Remember, though, you're writing a poem, not a travelogue. So perhaps drop "in distance" - it's redundant and not very poetic sounding. And "it's" is a little vague, maybe expand that. Then you would end up with something like this (just my suggestion): A few feet away, only a few feet away But in my heart the path is miles Through treacherous terrain and mountain, Icy cold and frozen Do the same to the other stanzas and you might end up with a half-decent poem. Maybe shorten the lines a little if possible in a few places (eg, drop "in proximiy" [sic]).
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12/2/2018 12:25:08 AM Jack Webster Posts: 255	1 of 2 Your poem plays with space, physical space, inner space/ emotional space, and juxtaposes them in a dichotomy of being in close physical proximity but being worlds apart. I think choosing to illustrate this aspect of the human condition is a very strong poetic choice. There is a great quote by Rumi I wish i could remember, about how we shout at each other because our hearts are so far apart and they're trying to be heard across a great distance. I think you would really enjoy Rumi. "Only a [few] words away..." is an exceptionally strong phrase and should be the first line of your poem. It fuses inner and outer space: it implies the partner is near enough to speak too, but also speaks to the inner space that could be arrived at by just a few words, the words are a bridge leading somewhere - are they words of discord, reconciliation, love, angst, mistrust etc... and what is it that is just a few words away, a break up, a marriage, forgiveness, hatred, confusion, the beginning of understanding etc... "Only a [few] words away..." is a huge open door and a red carpet for the author; it is a rabbit hole that will take you deeper into your poem if you know how to follow it. I think the poem is held back by the author's desire to recount a personal experience. The opportunities the poem possesses are cut off by the reality of the author, as the opportunities of the poem exist in an artistic space rather than transcribing the script of daily life. I think the emotional truth the author is conveying should be used as a seed; the personal experience of the author has made her/him aware of a vision greater than mere personal events: the interplay of movement between physical space and inner space, and how they move each other. I would approach the poem as a collection of artistic elements rather than a record of events. In this instance, something I'm not sure works is moving through time. The past is referred to without being described, it remains very abstract, and only serves to diffuse the clarity and focus of the poem. I would leave the poem entirely in the present moment of the physical and inner space. The foundation of the poem is the image of the two partners in bed back to back. Begin here, end here (with a twist). Your instinct to describe inner space with concrete elements is very good, as it makes something intangible tangible. However, I would move the description of inner space to the middle of the poem
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12/2/2018 12:27:09 AM Jack Webster Posts: 255	2 of 2 I would outline an experimental draft as this: stanza 1 "Only a [few] words away..." physical description of the partners in bed, physical descriptions that emphasize the physical closeness, but disconnect, illustrate the inner conflict, maybe the blanket is stolen, maybe the speaker is being crowded out of its space, hanging on the edge of the bed, - the back to back is a good place to start, but you can really imply an entire story just from the description of lying in bed. It may not be a historically accurate description, but it can illustrate something that's true emotionally #artistic license. The selfish partner could try to warm its freezing feet on the speaker's feet and the speaker curls up into a ball protecting what's left of their warmth, feet facing away from each other could imply they are headed different directions, on different paths, maybe the selfish partner is asleep (both figuratively and literally) and its the wounded partner that is kept awake by their pain, both figuratively and literally). You really can tell a whole story here even in the physical description. Being on the edge can have both a physical meaning and a figurative meaning and could be used to transition to... stanza 2 description of inner space, you could describe just one as you have already or you could explore all the possible destinations that might be arrived at should a "few words" be uttered. stanza 3 return to physical description of being in bed, only leave with a cliffhanger, such as stealing the sheets back, or falling out of bed, or pushing back to reclaim the space in bed, or uttering something to wake the partner, etc... something concrete that demonstrates the wakeful partner has arrived at a decision of some sort that returns us to physical space, and sets an unknown conclussion into motion. don't tidy it up by letting the reader see the end play out, simply witness the outer action arising from the inner action, and leave it there. thanks for letting us read your poem, i hope my suggestions end up being useful somehow
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