Poetry Forum
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11/6/2018 5:11:46 AM
Grant Read
Posts: 1
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So I was kinda forced into this as I was invited to a Poetry Slam at some friends - this Friday.
So I searched and searched for a poem to read, not so easy considering this whole poetry thing is brand new. So after not making any headway and with the deadline looming I thought what the hell, why not just give it a go... and this is what came out after 40min of writing. I am really happy with it so i suppose that's what counts but I'd be interested to get some critic, even though I have already received 2 positive comments - thanks by the way, so I might keep going with it. I did enjoy the process.
Here is my Poem:
It's the Kalahari
The sun rose that morning like a freshly baked pie
Warm and golden
Its purpose prepared for the day ahead
To torch the bald and hat less heads
Its was time to take its place in dust clogged sky
Its barely six am when the sounds
of the first cow bells ring
as the beasts of burden make their way
to find the last remnants of the dry brown hay
the grasses thirst for that first rain
and the cattle search and search in vain
oh where are you black clouds and thunder
its been a long long and warm dry winter
as the day progresses the hope of rain dismisses
oh if only that storm front from the north
would makes its way and come forth
you can even smell the air its sweet aroma
as the sound of thunder gets ever nearer
the anticipation of all of nature fills the air
every creature
and when that ferocious downpour is at its finish
you think to yourself why so quick and why did you punish
but at least it has given you strength
to face another day to go the length
to put up with the heat and to say I’m sorry
for ever wanting to leave this beautiful Kalahari
edited by Bruzo on 11/6/2018
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12/1/2018 1:47:03 AM
Jack Webster
Posts: 255
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The most powerful part of the poem is the journalistic voice the author has written in. It is clear the speaker is present with these things, has experienced these things (either in real life or in imagination), but the author is content to tell a story about something greater than himself/herself. The author does not whine about how depressed he/she is that it is not raining, or how he/she is sweating and miserable. The author simply lets the subject be the subject without judgement or editorializing. The reader is free to have their own experience of the poem, because the author has recorded a world for the reader to enter. The author has not filled the poem with a potrait of hismelf/herself, and makes the poem a gift to the reader. This is very good. (Even many experienced writers do not have the skill or humility to do this.)
The author is wise to focus on concrete details. The reader knows where they are, what is going on, what exists in the environment around them. The author includes many senses, sight, touch, sound, smell, and even alludes to taste.
These instincts as a writer are a very strong foundation to begin writing with.
The poem does need some more work, but this is not the high critique forum, so I will leave my comments at this.
edited by superlativedeleted on 12/1/2018
edited by superlativedeleted on 12/1/2018
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