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Forum Home » High Critique » A piece of work for you to advise me on!

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
8/25/2011 9:22:41 PM

Loretta Bailey
Posts: 2
This girl, she's crying inside,

But all everyone sees is smiles,

This girl, she's hurting inside,

She's lived like this for quite a while,

Always holding her pain inside,

She won't ruin everyone's time,

This girl, she's breaking down inside,

But all she does is smile,

Those deep eyes,

Hold a lot world of misery,

Playing pictures from her mind,

Showing her past, her history,

She doesn't want to remember,

But the memories continue to play,

Every night she prays,

Wishing them away,

But this girl lies with her laugh,

And hides behind a mask,

So that no-one can see her pain,

Her past, her denials,

This girl, she's dying inside,

Although no-one can see her pain,

She just continues to smile bright,

From day to everyday,

With beautiful lying eyes,

For everyone to see,

Everyone and anyone,

Everyone but me.
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9/5/2011 5:08:03 PM

Keith Baker
Posts: 18
Crying inside, hurting inside, pain inside, down inside -then 13 lines down- dying inside. My brain thought you were establishing a rhythm with ending of inside and then it went away and kind of came back. I think a reordering of the lines to use that in some meaningful way would do a lot for this poem. Also, I don't like double-spaced poems. I find them harder to read, that space is like a canyon when you are trying to connect subtle thoughts in my opinion.
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9/8/2011 12:21:03 PM

James Unger
Posts: 3
This is just to second Keith Baker's remarks, especially his objection to double-spacing (is it a trendy fad? I hope not). Typographical tricks always disappoint when they add little or nothing to the poem, and they usually add nothing.

And the same goes for emotional tricks. Unless we know something about "This girl" it's hard to feel sorry for her. She's an extended cliche, like a poster-child for a fund-raiser. Maybe it would help to use more punctuation than those leaky-faucet commas; some thought might emerge if you had actual sentences, so we could tell (for example) what "everyone but me" means, at the end. That everyone but you can see the girl? that she lies to everyone but you? or what?

(BTW, I'll be adding another poem in a few minutes, then you can have a crack at me.)
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10/22/2011 11:42:46 AM

Sean Cosslett Moore
Posts: 2
I am thinking the sad girl is you, and that is why "everyone but me" sees a lying smile. The poem could use more visual explanations (I was always told to show not tell) to the what, why and who of the girl. I like the amount emotion, you do manage to express quite a bit of pain, but again I think more imagery would tighten the theme of this poem up.
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