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Forum Home » High Critique » VICIOUS CIRCLE

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
1/4/2018 5:44:33 AM

Dawn Baridor
Posts: 1
Two perfect strangers
On a train heading nowhere
Aware life gets lonely
with no companion
He says "hello"
She replies "hi"

Smiles, like currency, are exchanged
Enthralled by her nature so exquisitely delicate
He yields to her subtle feminine power
Her resistance bows in the face of his masculine charm

Two hearts zings! Entwining
two souls becomes inseparable
Lost to a world of fantasy
Whispers of sweet-nothings
Anthem for their ears only
Hearts swell, fluttering like butterflies
Love flows, warm and free

or was it?....

Questioning head sits to think
As ephemeral pleasures evaporate into thin air
Love grows cold and sour
Scars remain while time heal
gashes of ripped souls....

A hurting stranger
Seeking redemption, meets another
He says "Hello"
She replies "Hi"
the vicious circle, like broken record, repeats...
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1/24/2018 1:19:05 PM

levi johnson
Posts: 15
Well, the first thing that strikes me is that each stanza is different in form and structure. That makes it feel a little disorganized. Its easy to correct if you want to condense some of the longer lines into a more precise meaning. Also, the greetings of "Hello" and "Hi" are so over used and generic, it lacks meaning. Maybe there was a "seduction of a smile" or the "enticement of glance". You want your reader to FEEL that they are there, so give them imagery they can relate to. Also, don't forget balance and rhythm to make it easier to read. Have a great day
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1/29/2018 1:08:44 PM

Stephen Wilson-Floyd
Posts: 49
I like the beginning very much. You stayed in the specific. At "(e)nthralled...", you started to generalize. The admonition of "show" don't "tell" applies. True, you are using elevated language, but the reader he or she wants to take the journey with you. Love at first sight is magical. If you could bottle it in specifics like the glint of an eye or whatever.... The story departs toward the end and it was imagined. The speaker waits for yet another infatuation. The structure is good, with a pay off at the end just use specifics. Best wishes!
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