Get Your Premium Membership

Poetry Forum

home recent topics recent posts search faq

Forum Home » High Critique » Forever Love

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
12/23/2017 10:49:31 PM

I'll look at you,
to write something
I'll look at you,
to feel myself fall
I'll picture you,
dancing beside me
Just you and I
In a grand concert hall
You'll start to laugh
You dare me to catch you
I'll jokingly say
You're much too tall,
You'll lean in close
I'll finally kiss you
I'll remember forever
I'll remember it all.
permalink • reply with quote
12/29/2017 8:03:31 PM

Jack Webster
Posts: 96
very straight foward and accessible. very honest and unadorned, but not without beauty. very plain-spoken, but not without music.

very strong use of rhyme. not overdone, 4 key words, all very naturally placed, completely without force.

the line breaks and seemingly regular timing of the rhymes creates a musical (spinning?) effect which is very nice.

for me there is a note of melancholy throughout. perhaps it is the short phrasing of the lines, the similarity of phrasing of the lines. It's not a complaint; it's more of a question/ observation. The element of affection is very strong, but there seems to be an admixture of sadness. Perhaps is in part from writing it all in future tense? yearning for something to happen that hasnt happened? something out of reach?

All in all i like its sweetness, its simplicity, its honesty. it's not afraid to be human.
permalink • reply with quote

Forum Home » High Critique » Forever Love

Powered by AspNetForum © 2006-2010 Jitbit Software