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Forum Home » High Critique » Constructive criticism needed :)

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
12/20/2017 3:25:07 PM

Sanja Cokolic
Posts: 9
OZ isn't place in someone's imagination

It always starts the same
a fairy tale
first child
second child
you didn't even want to see him
let alone give a name
I did
you vanished
sleepless nights submersed in days
hours became a battlefield
we stood against over 20 armies
they had a name
and classification
one life got cataloged
yet destitute of any record
as no one ever took his picture

less human

for the rest of them he turned to less
but mine
he was my silver shoes

first years were a laugh
then electrical storm
aimed his metal hat
and cry whispered
- something is wrong

they put him in great blackness
and told me how the roads to that core were misplaced

but he wasn't
he was just in the right place

my little tin man

countless times shrunken metal heart stopped
so I lend him mine
and became his breath
I've tried to overlay him
as there were 3 openings in his plate armour
strange how something empty can be a life-saver

(had to save you)

so I assembled these tin sheets in my arms
and made system to see you
we did it
they finally saw us
and named me the courageous one
but I wasn't
I was terrified to live without you

I had to hang my silver shoes up
and the letter came

"Your right on the status of nursing parent stops with the death of a child with difficulties in development ..."

that night ... I died with you
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12/21/2017 12:39:09 PM

Stephen Wilson-Floyd
Posts: 49
This is obviously a poem that has a lot of heart in it. It is very sad and has to do with the legal v. emotional rights the speaker has with a loved one. That said, I'm a little at a loss about the relationships. At first, I thought the speaker was speaking to an absentee father, who didn't care about a new born child. Then someone went to war, "a tin soldier", who died. Then at the end, it was about how the speaker lost legal control over an elderly adult. Between are many generalizations that for this reader didn't help the literal track of this. There is a lot of generalizing here. It is always a good bet to show more and not tell. Don't get me wrong, there is a great emotional poem here, but I would let the reader take the journey with the speaker not hear about it later. Best wishes!
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12/22/2017 7:16:41 AM

Sanja Cokolic
Posts: 9
this is a story about a mother that won a legal battle over her legal right to be a nursing parent and shortly afterward her child died. first, she is addressing her anger to a husband that left them, and then she is speaking to the system who has that discriminative note in its behavior toward people with disabilities. In between, she is kind of apologizing to her child because somewhere in the way his life became her reason for existence and in that sense, she did everything to keep him alive. She calls him a tin man because due to all medical equipment he was surrounded with he resembled at him. hope this explanation will help at least a bit thank you for your comment <3
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