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For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
12/8/2017 3:19:30 PM

Jerry Hackett
Posts: 3
Ellen's Old Tree

It was crumbling brick and decaying wood
The front porch where we once stood
The years were hard and all too many
Now even gone was the hidden penny

Yet, in the back, the tree stood still
With time engrained sturdy will
It held a memory of another and me
Its where I carved J.H. + E.D.

On the day we left that mark
The sky first grayed and then went dark
The clouds held back until we were done
Then hastily, hastily, we had to run

I walked the still worn path to peek
And see if the letters still did speak
I touched the bark and studied it so
The scars were there from so long ago

The sky it grayed as I left our tree
When a boy ‘n girl floated past me
In one hand was his destined life
And in the other a rusty jack knife
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12/14/2017 1:02:05 PM

Stephen Wilson-Floyd
Posts: 49
I'm not a fan of rhyme generally, but I found the lines held their own. It is a simple story, with a meaning, at least to me, that the speaker's time of dating is over, but there is a new couple. There is some nice description here and little generalization, which is good. Thank you for sharing. Best wishes!
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12/30/2017 12:04:53 PM

levi johnson
Posts: 12
In terms of your rhyme scheme, the main skill I focus on is how well it flows with the content and how natural it is. If the rhymes are too simple or tend to not make sense, it hurts your work. Take the 3 and 4th line of your 2nd stanza. The end rhymes of me and E.D. seems simple and just a bit awkward. Perhaps if you used a name, it would flow better and become more personal for the reader. Rhymes generally don't help your content a lot, so you need a solid concept or story first, sometimes rhymes add music to the story and sometimes they don't. I use rhyme scheme is most of my work as well, but I'm constantly editing for a natural flow.
Second, your ability to bring imagry to the reader is well done with your adjectives. To me, this is the real strength of this work and something to build on for the future. Third, in terms of conveying emotion, you begin to do so, but don't complet it. Take "The sky first grayed and then went dark" This seems to just be a description of the day. But, if you say in your heart, rather than just dark, you get your reader emotionally involved. HAVE A GREAT DAY
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