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Forum Home » High Critique » A Quiet Rain

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
12/7/2017 4:47:00 AM


Posts:
I like to watch rain,
fall gently through leaves
A thousand tiny drums, echo
through waiting thirsty trees
I watch, a single raindrop
slide down a window pane
A cloudy fog, forms on the glass
I write my daughter's name
She looks at me with wonder
I look at her the same
My fingertip, must be magic
Together, we share the quiet rain.
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12/30/2017 2:18:36 PM

Jack Webster
Posts: 71
the real poem begins lines 7-12
lines 1- 6 sap the originality from the poem by using images and descriptions that are frequently used, or are generic and not specific to the theme of the poem.

my suggestion is to rewrite lines 1-6 in ways that evoke and foreshadow the parent-child dynamic at the end. Example: the raindrops drum the roof like tiny bored fingers. This way you're still describing the rain, but you're using it as figurative language to convey the boredom of the little one, which creates a contrast with the wonder at the end of the poem. I would re-examine lines 1-6 in this way.

I would eliminate the line about the single rain drop on the pane of glass. It's not only a painful cliche, but a single raindrop is capriciously unrealistic in the midst of thousands of drops of rain.
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