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Forum Home » High Critique » First Poem...would like honest critique

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
7/9/2011 11:35:05 AM


Lost in this place, not knowing which way to go.
The road to take is obvious, for those who already know.

The path you take is predictable, ridiculous as it seems.
Don't you realize I can persuade you, you stupid human being.

You think you're making the decision, that its yours all alone.
However, I have say in some of which you do, I determine if you make it back home.

The decision is yours to make but your brain won't let it be.
Because you are too easily persuaded, you just wait and see.

So go ahead and choose the path for you.
I just hope you realize that I already knew.
edited by B_Pay on 7/9/2011
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7/11/2011 6:17:41 AM

Jodie Williams
Posts: 2
You write similarly to me, so I enjoyed reading this. i particularly enjoyed the 3rd and 4th lines, would like to see more heartfelt lines like this
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7/11/2011 1:54:11 PM

Cheri Pfenning
Posts: 1
I have never seen you. I have never touched you; nevertheless I have only heard
your voice.
So how and why does my heart feel so close to you? when I have never seen nor
touched you, or have you never in braced me close to you;
I know the night when you touch me my heart will came alive. And all my hurt I
have held so tight inside will be drifted away like the tide that goes out in to the
blue sea, I will never know if my heart will ever feel the love that it longs to have
until you embrace me in to your arms.
In addition, when you make that passion love to me, your lips will fit so perfect on to
mine! You will look to have no pain and never less you will tell me you need me, I
will tell you I want you, and you are the one I have longed to have and to hold close
to me. I have asked God to send me that perfect man nerveless God had told me
there is no perfect man but he does have a wonderful caring loving man he can
send my way. And when he finds me it will be that unconditional love that you and
he had longed for, for so long.
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7/11/2011 3:02:08 PM

Thank you Jodzy, I'd like to read your stuff. I'm just worried my poem comes across a little too much like green eggs and ham cause I prefer it to rhyme.

littleangel - i assume your poem and post is intended to hit on me...you're coming on a little strong but thank you....kidding of course....I assume you meant to make your own thread, I'm in no way an expert when it comes to writing as this was the first poem I have ever written, however, I think your poem will be very appealing to other females who can identify with you. I'm a bit jaded right now so I tend to think love always has conditions...except when it comes to the love of your children or family.
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8/5/2011 1:48:54 AM

Howard Bull
Posts: 4
B_Pay wrote:
I'm just worried my poem comes across a little too much like green eggs and ham cause I prefer it to rhyme.

I liked your poem and I could easily understand its meaning. I think rhyme is clever as you not only have to convey your thought but in addition, make it phonically attractive. I do both but get the biggest satisfaction from rhyme as it's the biggest challenge.

Mini Bella, exquisite jewellery for little princesses and their mum's too!

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8/11/2011 8:43:46 PM

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