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8/6/2017 12:27:40 AM John Anderson Posts: 7	Pan-Pan, the demons have jumped, Ship on fire, smoke engulfing. It's Demonium here! But, we're coping for now. Hoping in hell we can beat fire back to pan. ---------------------------- Help please to make this better! edited by janderson99 on 8/6/2017 edited by janderson99 on 8/6/2017
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9/9/2017 2:02:23 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	I like the idea behind this poem. Its unclear if its using the scene as a metaphor for a personal experience, or if its a tableau that readers may simply relate to. There are some potentially fun things you could do with the meter. The past perfect tense "have jumped" doesn't really fit with the present tense of the rest of the poem. I suppose technically it could be allowed, but it robs the poem of the energy of the scene by declaring it is finished. If it were simply "jump" it includes the energy of the jumping ship as part of the present chaos: Pan-pan, the demons have jumped ---> Pan-pan, the demons jump changing the tense also takes away the sluggish sound of the -ed at the end which masks the bright freshness of ending the line on the p - the demons are left in mid-air at the end of the line and hang. Removing "have" also tightens the pace of the line by removing a syllable - the energy is in the verb, the line break, and the meter. "Have" adds an extra step the ear must take before getting to the verb and end of the line, it slows it down (which could be necessary for a line of different quality, but not this one) Lexically it is a stressed syllable, and moraically its a heavy syllable - both add sonic heft which weighs down a line that could spring. Interestingly, once you take out "have", the meter of the following line is inversely symmetrical: the demons jump. - x - x smoke engulfing. x - x - this sort of turn of verse has the potential to be musical. However, to make the most of it, it would be best to begin the second line with another spondee, as in the first line. This repitition of the spondee will tell the ear to expect a metric repitition of the first line, which is given, but then the surprise of the inverted meter. This means you'd have to take out the word "on". On slows down and weighs down the phrase both because of being an extra syllable, a lexical stress, and a moraically heavy syllable. Obviously "ship fire" won't do. Something like "mast burnt" might. It repeats the spondee of the first line, as well as bears the same moraic pattern of "pan-pan" (two heavy syllables), AND 'mast burnt' both end on the same consonant, just as "pan-pan' does. together it would be: Pan-pan, the demons jump, mast burnt, smoke engulfing I think the musical quality is audible. Very regular/ symmetric meter, same number of syllables each line, a turn in the meter, the energy tense, almost manic. This musical quality is not just for fun, but has purpose. It creates a sonic context for the following line: It's Demonium in here. which breaks the tightly constrained energy of the first two lines and releases it by breaking the form, expectation of the ear. this sense can be emphasized further by tweaking. I would drop "in here". The spondee adds tension, but it shuts down the spreading quality at the end of "Demonium". Can you hear how -MONium sounds like its spreading, like a pile of something falling over and spreading on the floor? However, "it's Demonium" is weak in energy, so lets add back in two stressed syllables. The first stressed syllable can be done simply by removing the contraction: it's --> it is Contractions are very casual. They're used frequently in common speach, so when they are broken apart it adds emphasis. It's hot vs. it is hot. The second stressed syllable i think should be added back in is "pan". I'm not sure why you dropped it from pandemonium. Pan-pan, the demons jump, x x - x - x mast burnt, smoke engulfing. x x x - x - It is pandemonium.... x x 'x - X - - ... Preserving the syllable "pan" in the third line ties it back to the opening spondee. It gets extra emphasis as the ear connects it to the sound its heard before. You could leave "in here" at the end. however, i think it depends on how you want to characterize the speaker. is the speaker gleeful at the chaos, or is it reeling and unsure how to process it? -- which goes back to my first comment about being unsure about if it were a metaphor for personal experience or a tableau of the fall. I think a demon would be gleeful, hence leave out "in here"; but, if it's a metaphor for a human experience of being unable to process a hellish experience, then leaving "in here" is more appropriate as it conveys the sense witnessing something the speaker is having trouble processing (in my opinion). The rest of my suggestions use the same sort of examinations as above, however without knowing the intent of the poem they could tangeable make it a different poem/ convey a spirit or meaning the author does not intend, so i will leave my critique here. i hope my suggestions are helpful. your poem is going to have me reading Milton today, thank you very much, and may even inspire me to attempt my own poem on it.
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9/14/2017 7:18:20 PM jack belck Posts: 12	What is pan pan? Ship on fire--details, please? No such thing as Demonium unless you figure out how to attach pan in front of it. This is a very vague bit to base a poem on. It's a scrap that needs fleshing out to be coherent.
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