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Forum Home » High Critique » Oscillation in a static realm. Please critique

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
3/28/2011 6:27:18 PM

Lucas Williams
Posts: 10
Oscillation in a static realm. Stalking desolation, a haunting reminder of transcendence. Sporadic fractures paint a decadence flourishing confined mortal. Omnipresent the triumvirate, yet fallow diversity feigns a collapsing periphery. Malleable beings vivisect the strings of eternity for clarity divine.
edited by lucslife on 3/28/2011
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3/29/2011 8:27:00 AM

Aron Jacob
Posts: 12
You have a great vocabulary, but I'm finding it difficult to understand some of your phrases. Even though you may have a picture in your mind to represent each phrase, the reader can only create that picture from your words, so there needs to be clarity without sacrificing your command of the language. For instance: "decadence flourishing confined mortal" - I don't know what to picture from this phrase because "decadence flourishing" and "confined" are seemingly contradictory and then I don't know if "mortal" is meant here as a noun or an adjective. I have similar difficulty with "fallow diversity" - how does the adjective match the noun? I actually like this poem quite a lot. I just think some of the words could be chosen more carefully to evoke the image you are trying to create. I'm reminded of Walt Whitman, who always used the simplest, most common of words and phrases but evoked such powerful images and emotions.
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4/1/2011 2:50:16 PM

Manouchka doreus
Posts: 23
i somewhat agree with Aron... some of the poems are a bit hard to understand but i like that... i can interpret it anyway i want. not sure if that is what you're aiming for but it works
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