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3/6/2011 3:54:15 PM

Sarafiel Light
Posts: 1
This is probably one of my first real poems. However I am quite new to the whole poetry thing and I know very little about structured poetry. I halfheartedly tried to make the poem fit a specific meter but then I was unable to fit in all I wanted to say. Perhaps I am not skilled enough yet. That is probably the case. Also, if anyone would be kind enough to tell me what sort of form this poem would be categorized as I would be grateful. I would really appreciate any criticism anyone is willing to give. Thank you very much.

And as she gazed down upon the writhing creatures below, the very thought she had so
strongly opposed, for a split second, was her own.

"Would it really be such a bad thing,
to toss a boulder off this wall?
To be the one who stopped the suffering?
To finally put an end to it all?

The pestilence, the poverty,
The larceny, the lying,
The mourning, the misery,
The destitution, the dying.

Would it really be such a bad thing,
to toss a boulder off this wall?
To be the one who stopped the crying?
To be the one to end it all?

The pain, the profligacy
The rape, the rotting,
The vindictive, the vulgarity
The sorrow, the suffering

Would it really be such a bad thing,
to toss a boulder off this wall?
To watch in horror knowing,
I was the one to end it all...

The candor, the complexity,
The laughter, the loving,
The smiles, the sincerity,
The life, the living.

Would it really be such a bad thing,
to toss a boulder off this wall?
To watch in horror knowing...
I was the one who let it fall...

To be the one to create
The Silence..."
edited by Moonlight Serenity on 3/6/2011
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3/16/2011 9:05:19 PM

julie heckman
Posts: 17
Well this is my "High" critique: poetry is more than black or white, good or bad or just the way you put it or make it rhyme...its about art something with many styles good luck exploring your style.
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3/20/2011 1:58:23 PM

Aron Jacob
Posts: 12
I like your style quite a lot. The refrain ("Would it really...) is the strongest element of the poem, as it really brings the reader into the world of this person's weighty decision to "end it all" or not. The other verses to me contain too many repetitive images and a little bit too much cliche, so maybe some minor rewording or different choice of adjectives would benefit the work as a whole. Unfortunately, the one aspect of the poem that I really found disappointing was the ending. I know the whole poem is engineered to arrive at "The Silence" (it's the title, after all) but I think it's just too much of a cliche to be taken seriously and it detracts from the depth of meaning that came before it. I don't think it adds much and it disrupts the rhythm of the poem somewhat. I would be very satisfied if the poem ended after the previous verse. After "I was the one who let it fall...," I don't think anyone will be in doubt as to what The Silence is to which you refer in the title. I think it's more poignant to leave it to the reader to make that connection rather than to spell it out so obviously. Just my opinion, of course.
edited by GrtfulAron on 3/20/2011
edited by GrtfulAron on 3/21/2011
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