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Forum Home » High Critique » the definition of innocence....please critique

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3/1/2011 12:46:12 PM

Jeremy Moore
Posts: 2
What is innocence
Is it a little boy
that pulls his toy
fire truck down the street
And it follows him on a string
As he dodges empty beer bottles
And crack needles
Wishing his toy.
had wings
Is it a little girl who dreams of tea parties
And dolls
And in the next room her father hits her mom
And slams her against
Is it the kid who’s playing cops
And robbers
And finds his fathers gun
And suddenly it’s not so fun
What is innocence
Is it the American in his lazy boy
Watching American idol
As if it’s, hisidol
As his government bombs another village
Is it becoming aware of our obesity epidemic
As another child dies from an
Empty stomach
What is innocence
Is it venti coffee you buy for $4.99
To stay awake at work
As you push passed the homeless
As you stand in line
And you clutch your quarters
And mutter, this is mine
Is it teaching your family Jesus and love
As you yell…
Nuke those Muslim towel heads
Send them to, hell
What is innocence
that little boy
whose pulling his toy
with it’s broken wheel
Do you think he doesn’t know that the price of that crackneedle
Could buy him a meal?
Do you think he doesn’t, know
that that beer bottle
Is why he bares the bruises on his skin
Is it why he has to force himself to grin?
Is that little girl sitting with her perfectly coifed dolls
Singing to herself so she doesn’t hear the screams
Doesn’t she scream in terror
as her father bursts into her dreams.
And shoves her mom crashing into her little table.
Does she have to dream, to live her fable
And even then,
is she able?
Do you wonder what she is thinking
as she struggles to push the head back on her doll
or is it a way for her to merely, ignore it all
Are you watching with 20 million other viewers
A drone in your living room, a slave to a box
A fly in a web of airwaves
Do you think your government is doing the same
Or are they filling up
is there an agenda being played
as our minds are swayed
Is this distraction as innocent as it seems?
And that epidemic….An epidemic of having too much food
Begging someone please!
stop us from eating I cant see,
my knees
like it’s the bubonic plague
like we’re dropping like flies
An epidemic!
Could we build a memorial and carve on its stone
5 million died this year
from an this epidemic alone
we could… if we replaced obesity with
Is it ironic that the fat kids stomach looks just as big
as the starving ones.
What is innocence
Is a boy who just wants to spend time with his grandpa
He doesn’t understand
As his grandpa takes him by the, hand
And leads into the bathroom
To show him the darker side of man
That in that moment he’ll have to grow up
Faster then he planned
Faster then he can
What is innocence
Does it exist in this land
From the time were born
We stripped down, bought and torn
From violence to porn
We’re watched and mimicked
Our lives just a gimmick
To get in our little kids heads
Where innocence treads
To take away their bliss
The only thing that they were born, with
What is innocence
Does it exist anymore
Or in this day and age
Have we closed that door
Forever more?
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3/19/2011 3:24:33 PM

Posts: 12
Sad, but true. Your poem basically summed up everything people try to ignore. Everything people pretend isnt real, because it is to sad. Great poem, sad reality, keep writing
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3/19/2011 7:14:53 PM

julie heckman
Posts: 17
Hi Jeromy... a narrative of a very depressing view of life certainly there is some balance there??? Sometimes life can be so difficult but I wonder what you poem would be like if you talked equally about what you're grateful for??
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3/19/2011 9:02:55 PM

Windyann Plunkett
Posts: 2
visually stunning and i yes i do agree with julie, a little depressing but I enjoyed your emotion
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3/20/2011 1:47:25 PM

Aron Jacob
Posts: 12
There is some very strange and inconsistent (as well as some incorrect) punctuation that I think detracts from the reader's experience here. I'm not sure what was intentional and what wasn't, but you may want to consider some further editing. I am also not a fan of inconsistent rhyming...either rhyme or don't...but that's just my personal preference. Rhyming creates a rhythm to a poem that impacts the experience of the words and it is odd to the ear to have just a piece of a poem in rhyme unless there is some clear reason for its introduction at a specific point. The message of the poem is quite poignant, but i agree with the previous comment that there is a lack of balance. I think the point becomes clear too early in the poem, and then it just becomes a redundant set of details. Not much new is being added as the poem goes on, so it does become a bit overwrought, in my opinion. You have a clear voice and a clear message, so this is a great beginning, but I think it needs editing in aspects of style, form, and content.
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