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Forum Home » High Critique » Please tell me what you think of my first poem.

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
2/20/2011 1:19:12 PM

Mackenzie Bush
Posts: 2
You see it’s all built up in my head. Would he know ornotice or see or feel me if I was up ahead? Does he think that anger is asincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat awayits pain?* And what is lame and how would someone stray from the fame they knowand claim? This disease, the fear of missing out and no doubt I get it aboutmissing the words out of his mouth. He and I both mostly know I’m totallycrazy, utterly phased but Oh what’s wrong with a little crazy when it goes a longway?
I want to converse about how I wear Converse shoes to show him that thisverse is a constructed ruse. And then to focus on my Cowboy boots is what Iwant him to do, for to shoot them some looks is all. And all this shallow talkis a means to call upon this fake gall so I can hide the fact that I wallow andfall.
People hide, shun and run for protection so as to avoid the potentialconnection of any loss or acquisition. I wanna say what I wanna say, I wannastate what my friends don’t want me to state and I want to fear only that Inever gave him a way to say “Good Day”. You see some people get all the peopleand make others weep and feel as though I was cheap – Got me on stock, go tothe back, get me a black in a medium one of her. But that’s what I want andthat’s what I crave and that’s what I choose, I choose a person who gets. But Iwanna be the person, the singular, his rockstar, his hard rock to hold and rockunder the stars in his arms.
Quitting drinking they say - wouldn’t be a problemto rid myself of that so called sin, the only thing is that I’m drinking himin. A Gin shot, shoot a tin can, no justgive me one, any even a pity shot.
Hail Mary full of grace – Look if you hadone shot, one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted. One moment,would you capture it or just let it slip? It’s known, that that came from thelips of our gen’s most hip. But I’m gonna plagiarize because no longer can Idisguise my lack of demise and despise that I have for his eyes. I say please,I hope he understands that I put myself on the line to spit out this shittyrhyme.
So I’ll say to him quote “Stop. because even though I’ll never know, Ihave this stupid thing that Ellis Boyd ‘Red’ Redding called hope. No more pulling me in with your rope.”unquote.

*Line from Andrea Gibson’s “Asking too much”
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